Looking at where I’ve come from, who I’ve studied with, and the people around me, I realize that by normal post-graduate classical performance standards, I should probably be trying my ASS off right now to get a job with an orchestra or whoever the hell will employ me OR that I should be going back to school, and that I should be taking every performance opportunity that even considers coming my way. I know this.
Grad school kind of killed off most of my desire to play and perform and do anything relating to the cello, in general. The fact that I am teaching 15 students (no more students, by the way. NO MORE), playing nearly weekly gigs and am to some degree enjoying it at this point amazes me, plus the fact that I’m actually earning a living (a living which allows me to do completely idiotic things like spill water on my laptop with the knowledge that I can afford to have it fixed). Amazing. I am grateful for every opportunity.
The fact remains, though, that I’m still recovering. I still don’t know what I want to do in life. I still need some time to let things stabilize. I appreciate advice and guidance when it comes to career, and in fact, some of it has been downright helpful, especially that form my PARENTS, who would’ve thunk it. Go parents.
What I don’t appreciate is people wagging their fingers at me, telling me (or OTHER PEOPLE behind my back) I’m not doing enough for myself right now, whether it’s well-intentioned or not.
Screw you guys. Seriously. It’s people like you who contributed to my classical music burnout in the first place. I’m enjoying the hell out of teaching right now, and at this point in my life I’m completely convinced that this is the best thing I could be doing for myself as a cellist and a performer and whatever-the-heck else I might want to do with music. And honestly? I still don’t really even know if that’s what I want to do with my life, and considering how many people end up doing something that has nothing to do with their area of study, I don’t see how that would be a big deal. On top of that, last time I checked, there was no sure-fire path to success in this admittedly SCREWED and DWINDLING field of classical performance, whether you have a DMA or have studied with the best or not, so please understand if I’m not jumping out of my chair to compete for a job at the moment.
First and foremost, though, I’m not going to even attempt to further my career in cello-playing and performance until I have some semblance of desire to do so. And right now, I don’t. Advice, I will openly and willingly take. Criticism for and sneering at my choices, I will not.
So I bid you LICK ME.
Additional word of note: gigs are starting to get to me.