Every once in a great while in the universe of blogging, I become a meek and hesitant push-button publisher. What usually happens is I gain a sudden, traumatic awareness of audience. Because, see, this is the internet. It’s not as though I can ever know every person who reads this thing. And while I usually deal with that just fine, sometimes I don’t.
This audience trauma thing typically happens once, maybe twice a year. It lasts anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. Blog readers probably clue in that something is not normal. It’s obvious. Constant updates will cease to occur. There will be an entry once, maybe twice a week. And when there is an update, the subject matter is frivolous, unrelated to the life or thoughts of blog-ee. For example, a link. Or a youtube video. Or maybe some short, stand-alone statement.
Well, yeah. Maybe because this has actually been me on-and-off for the past year.
It’s alarming. Seriously alarming. I feel like all I’ve ever done since I can remember until the age of 22 is write write write, anywhere! About anything! About books! About Japan! Manga! How my day has been! Something I did with my friends! Thoughts I’m thinking! Things I’m FEELING. These sorts of things would go anywhere. In blogs. Hand-written in journals. On blank sheets of paper lying around, in completely tiny and illegible handwriting nobody would take interest in reading even if they were legible.
None of that happens anymore. I don’t want to think I’ve outgrown my enthusiastic desire to share my thoughts or at very least get my thoughts out of my head. Sure, it could be that I’m busier than I used to be (sort…of). Sure, it could be the fact that school drains my creative energies to the point of nonexistence.
What I would like to say is that this is all caused by feelings of total discomfort with my internet self that’s keeping me from writing. That makes sense in my head and explains how I do feel. But I’m beginning to realize the bigger problem is that I am uncomfortable with my all-the-time self.
Well, awesome. Who wants to fix me?!
I used to not care who read my blog. Unlike real life, it was a place for pretty much just me and my friends, and where I could be totally comfortable with the things I had to say. Except…for the part…where that doesn’t really work on the internet anymore. Of course the world would become much more internet-savvy with time. Of course they would. Eventually people found ye old blog, figured it out, through Google Search or word-of-mouth or…however. I learned the hard way that what I say here can come back to me in ways that are less than fun. I think over the years, to counter the anxiety of people finding my blog, I’ve turned this into a no-negativity zone. No whining about people. No whining about people passive-aggressively. No whining about situations in life that may be weird. No whining about anything. No talking about real-life things. No opinions. No feelings. No nothing.
I wish very much to be able to write in my comfortable, sometimes extremely funny tongue-in-cheek manner. I wish to be able to state the way I feel about things and not give a big giant crap about what other people think.
There must be some cosmic balance, in which I can write to myself and write to other people and still say the things I want to say.
I’m working on it. I’m going easy on blogging and somewhat heavy on the friends-only LJ entries. If you have an account for one of those dealies and I know you, let’s be friends so you can read the goings-on of my life. If not? Be patient. I’ll return. Guaranteed or your money back.