Yep.

listening to: this american life – testosterone

The moral of last week’s story is this: sleep deprivation + PMS = hell! Say no more.

After a good weekend of sleep and setting myself straight, I’m all good. The futurey crap on my brain can wait, or at least shut the hell up for a little while.

Also, I’m confined to practicing technique, much as I have the beginning of pretty much every other year. Hooray! It’s maybe a little sick how much I enjoy delving into aspects of technical cello playing, even compared to some of the actual music-making parts of it. I don’t know exactly what that’s saying about me.

In other things, I’m trying to sort out my knowledge of html into some sort of organized means as opposed to just pulling random crap out of my brain without really knowing how it functions. This is possibly going to lead to some massive redesign in the distance internet future.

Huzzah.

Down, Girl.

I am insane. They should lock me up in some kind of padded room.

Not really. I mean, sort of. I think that a number of variables (hours of sleep, lack of running, monthly hormonal syndrome to go unnamed, stress, random nightly spider bites on my stomach (wtf?!)) are causing me to freak out and question myself and grasp at straws. A lot of them. Mostly regarding my future or whatever I want to do as a career.

On the one hand I am: a douche, and I can’t believe I missed what might have led to a really great not-necessarily-performance career opportunity by two entire days. DOUCHE.

On the other hand I am: still a douche, because even though I may not be a certified member of some Arts Leadership thing, that doesn’t mean I’m without resources. Seriously. I’m getting this impression that if my school could only have one thing for me, it would be a job or SOME sort of non-boring musician experience, and it’s like they’re trying to drop the tools for this stuff in my lap, and I somehow didn’t notice they were even trying. I think you have to want this stuff to get it. It doesn’t always just come to you the way I’ve occasionally been led to believe (THANKS, DAD). And knowing my own tendencies of self-doubt, procrastination and sometimes weird apathy that has more to do with unhappiness than boredom, I’ve got to be more involved and aware about the opportunities around me. So I should really shut up and use what resources have been hitting me upside the head than mope and worry, right? Right.

I also shouldn’t be so hard on myself about this stuff and how I feel like I’m “deviating” from the things so many people in my life have wanted me to do. Yes, I feel I might want a career that is music or art-related and not necessarily performance-oriented (NOT ruling it out, just saying). And I think that maybe having grown up in a family of performers, working really hard to be good at performing, and really really enjoying working with my teachers and wanting to make them proud has actually been me digging some probably-unnecessary mental hole in which I feel pressured to do what they imagine I want to do, and not what I actually want to do. Now is probably a better time than any to speak up about any ideas of things I want to do or not do.

I’m really lucky to have some supportive friends who understand and even commiserate with my progressive musiciany attitude and are helping me to freak out less, convince me to talk more to my mentors (parents included), and really actually try to do cool stuff instead of just talking about doing cool stuff.

So…go me? Yes. Go me.

All I Hear Is A Heavy Bass And A Whining Dog

So many, so many things. Where to begin. With a list.

1. It’s really hard to put into words how I feel about David Foster Wallace, and his death. And so I guess I appreciated reading some rather solid thoughts about him, via some pretty eloquent writers

2. Dear neighbors downstairs: I can hear everything you do. To a ridiculous degree. So TURN DOWN THE BASS ON YOUR STEREO. Plz.

3. School is…ugh.

4. No. School is awesome.

5. I’m torn with how I feel about school. I mean, school is great. And I am learning things via classes in a way which is definitely great. But it’s all sort of overwhelming, and I think I’ve been inadvertently freaked out in the past week because of it. There’s just so much going on, far more than I’m used to, and I haven’t quite figured out where my level of work from the last five years fits in here. I’m basically worried that I’ve been a slacker up until now, and trying to figure out how I can add the hours and not go crazy. Fortunately, I’m starting to realize that this is all probably the shock of being in a new school, and my guess is that it will pass and I’ll figure out what I need to do and not be stressed out in time. Right now, though? Stressed out, yeah!

Not helping is how much STUFF this school offers, and how much I want to do all of it but definitely do not have the time or the brain-power to do that right now. If I didn’t actually have to take classes or be in various ensembles, I would be in the new music ensemble and the old music ensemble and the arts leadership program. One thing I absolutely must get involved as soon as I’m not-overwhelmed is the arts leadership program. Because I think somewhere in my brain it’s been established that this program is kind of something I might really be able to get something out of, so how could I not take advantage of it while I’m here?

6. Future things are hard. Past things are hard. I am mostly good at not thinking about those things. Mostly.

7. I miss campuses.

8. I really don’t like having to worry what people thinks of me. Ah, the joys of changing schools.

9. Damn, I’m whiny.

School.

I have been a very, very bad blogger. And photo-poster. I don’t know what happened.

Oh wait, yes I do. SCHOOL happened.

Things I have observed about school and life and everything since classes started up last Tuesday:

1. Review theory ain’t so bad. If you’re me and apparently had no real introduction to part-writing in the past 5 years other than from a loose-screw of a professor (hey, the professor said it, not me).

2. The annex (where the practice-rooms and some classrooms are) is HOT. ALWAYS. And so I walk around and initially great teachers with something along the lines of “hi, I’m Talia, and I’m unbelievably sweaty!”

3. The practice-rooms have no stands. NO STANDS.

4. Everything else about the school besides those two things rocks. Like my teacher. And the fact that I now have Eastman-made blocks to put under chairs to make them better and more cello-friendly.

5. I can directly see the improvement I have made as a musician and cellist in the last four-five years because I can now half-ass Strauss. Um. I don’t know if that’s a good way of being able to tell I’m better or not. Oh well.

6. The accompaniment program (from what I can tell) is awesome.

Yeah. So school. I’m enrolled in it. Again. Is it just me or is this now excessive? Then again, most of me is actually very very nerdily excited about learning more things. But there’s this other part of me that wishes I earned money or contributed good to society, or ideally both. HAHAHA, oh, that last one is a funny thought.

Anyway. School.