listening to: dungen – solen stiger upp

Blarn. Sundays that are somehow more hectic and stressful than regular schooldays are wrong. And Sundays that end with me depending on painkillers are just as, if not even more wrong.

But enough whining. No more whining. Here’s another artist I should dig but do not:
Sonic Youth

Somebody (I don’t remember who, probably some random internet ass-hat) once told me that there’s a rule that if I like the Pixies I should like Sonic Youth. They’re totally different. TOOOTALLY DIFFERENT. Stupid random internet ass-hats.

I seem to have sparked some kind of comment response mania with the last post involving things I should dig but do not. Yeah. Taste in music is difficult. For me. Sometimes. I feel like music-listeners all come from very different backgrounds of listening, and have had a lot of different sounds shaping their brains. I’m positive that I can point to several direct influences that shaped my music taste when I was very very young. I really try hard not to judge other people’s taste in music. I mean, as long as said taste in music is not clearly appalling. But that’s why I feel so awkward about not liking the below-mentioned artists. They come highly recommended to me, and when I listen to them, I think “hey, I should really like this!” It’s not like I listen to all this stuff and go “wow, this is appalling!” It’s like…I’m picky. About a lot of things in life. And sometimes, certain artists just don’t cut it, or are somehow a little off. I usually listen to them for a while. Sometimes I listen to them extensively. But it’s not always enough.

But I don’t like mediocrity in my life. Especially in excess. Especially in my iTunes library. So there.

In other things, I really love my teacher.

I have to go die now. Augh. Thank some sort of God I just bought more ibuprofin.

Random Observations

1. I ache in places that don’t make sense considering the fact that the only physical activity I’ve engaged in all week is running.

2. I highly enjoy the sound of a tambourine being thrown skin-down into the inside of a piano.

3. If Eastman had just sent out my acceptance info via regular USPS instead of FedEx, I would probably know who I might be studying with next year. Stupid Saturday. Oh well. I’ve waited this long. What’s another two days. Right? RIGHT??!

Delicious, But Worth It?

listening to: the flaming lips – feeling yourself disintegrate

Things I should apparently really dig according to my current age, generation, socioeconomic status, etc, but just don’t:
The Flaming Lips
Sufjan Stevens
Neutral Milk Hotel

Yeah. Sorry. I just don’t. And I have no control over what my brain tells me I should like, so blame it. And stop telling me I’d like this stuff. I know, I know. I should.

Ugh. Why, Reuben sandwich. Why did you do it? Be so delicious and make me eat you? Why?

Some people and myself went to the The Courier. And I can’t go there and avoid wheat. I knew that going into it. I also wanted a reason to celebrate my awesomeness or whatever, and also maybe just splurge, because doing so on a weekly basis when doing something strict and crappy with one’s diet is not a wholly bad thing. So I got the Reuben. Delicious, yes. Sauerkraut filled, also yes. But my stomach now protests. Greatly. Further proof that I need to visit a food allergist and figure out how serious this wheat-intolerance thing actually is. As opposed to just not eating wheat randomly for a couple weeks, feeling better, than eating it again and feel sick for a couple weeks after every wheat-involved meal.

Anyway. Things.


listening to: bjork – atlantic

Alright, then. I’m done being boisterous and vocal about stuff. Any more and I will just feel loud and guilty.

So…back to grind.

Man. Nate gave me this song, this very version, back in like 2000, on some Bjork mix he made me. And I lost the mp3. Damn me. I entirely love this song.

I’m Gonna Kick Tomorrow

listening to: jane’s addiction – jane says

My day was absolutely made by a phone-call from the admissions director at Eastman informing me of my acceptance. Made. Completely. Just…yeah. I missed that experience some people have of being accepted to your first choice of school, the first time around.

I called Brandon almost immediately to let him know. I felt really bad for freaking him out with my extreme pessimism in my last lesson. I really don’t like making my teacher worry. I’m less crazy than that. Normally.

So this all happened during a string quartet rehearsal, in which my phone started to vibrate, with caller “Unknown.” My first thought was “Grad School??” while my second thought coincided with the thoughts of everyone else in the quartet “It’s Stefan! And he’s going to cancel our coaching in an hour!” And so Tim said he’d take the call. And I was like “okay. But…wait! Grad School!” But Tim had already grabbed my phone and was saying “You’ve reached the Office of Talia Dicker, how may I direct your call?” Fortunately, he hit “talk” after the call had been registered as missed, and sent to voicemail.

So then I went outside to check my voicemail, and seriously bolted back down to the classroom going “You guys! Eastman!” and generally being unable to breathe.

In retrospect, I’m pretty glad Tim didn’t actually answer that call.

So anyway. Eastman. I’m still not sure who I’m studying with or if there is money involved. I will find out soon.

Four down, one to go. How’s it gonna be, N.E.C.?

In other things, I may have been so excited about the Eastman thing that I mentioned in a Facebook status. For the record, I recently friended Doctor Beat, the very metronome that I own, on Facebook. And so after setting my status I received the following wall post:

In other acceptance news, it seems to be a general rule that every year for summer program applications, I will be waitlisted at once place, get another offer and then accept that other offer right before being taken off the waitlist of the first place. And it will happen with places I have been accepted to before. I was de-waitlisted at Heifetz. As much as I really actually did want to go back, and as much as I’m sad I won’t get to be in New England again for the summer, I enjoy things that are free. And everyone keeps telling me the Rockies outdo every other mountain range this side of…wherever.

The War Will Start On Monday

listening to: the high llamas – a winter’s day

I would like to announce that I just made the best stew in my crockpot, ever.

I haven’t eaten anything with wheat in it for two days. I also haven’t had refined sugar, and only minimal dairy products. My eyes are already 50% less puffy. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to gnaw my own arm off.

Yeah, I know. That stupid wheat-free thing again. But I swear, the shit I’ve been eating for the last two months, between travel-eating and stress-eating, has done me in. I only want to have energy and not feel shitty anymore. The last time I did this no-wheat thing resulted in just that, and for whatever reason I kept on feeling great, even after I started eating crap again. Stupid wheat intolerance.

Oh, but wait. Here is the best exchange I had with anyone, all day. This might actually end up running for title of “best exchange all week.”

Ryan: haha, what’d you say?
Me (Autoreply): dear talia, you need to SHUT. THE HELL. UP.
Me: i said lots of things
Me: in my head
Me: basically, i’m a pessimistic motherfucker
Me: anyway
Me: i gotta run
Ryan: laters pmf
Me: pmf?
Ryan: pessimistic motherfucker
Me: hahahahahaha
Me: that makes my day

Yeah. I don’t know if it’s stress or biorhythms or what but for about an hour today, around a bass lesson and ridiculous amounts of rehearsing, but I turned into the biggest pessimist in the motherfucking universe. Yeah, people.

I mean…there’s a lot to be down about. And I’m not talking grad schools. Sure, the rejections and the anxiety, whatever. But I started to realize that…what’s the point? Our planet is overpopulated, and country is falling into recession, some kind of global food crisis is about happen and I want to play the fucking cello? I know that music makes a difference, I’ve seen and experienced this, but I don’t believe that I can contribute some sort of good to society or the world by practicing 3 hours a day and rehearsing and having high-ended snobby academic discussion and owning…things. I hate possessions and I hate that people are their possessions and it would really be so much easier if I didn’t have any. And I have terrifying visions of the day when everything about the world is so bad and hopeless that none of that will matter anyway, and I’ll be lucky if I can eat. And remember all those years that I’ve been joking about living on some kind of hole on some kind of hill? Apparently I was serious. Because if I can’t contribute something good to society, I at last want to not contribute something bad to society. It doesn’t exactly hurt that I really really really hate people in general.

And…yeah. See what I mean? Somebody needs to seriously hit me upside the head. Because A) how do I know life is going to be so bad and B) why am I wasting my time worrying about it before it happens anyway?

I think I might need more optimistic friends. Yesterday when I was killing time by not practicing, I wandered into the library and hung out with Eric and we talked about those very pessimistic things, and how music schools are harder to get into and now you need a DMA if you want a job, and how music school is progressive enough for us, and how we’re going to start the Lakadicker (or in final form, PistaGasaLakaDicker) Progressive School of Music for Realists (i.e. Pessimists). I need somebody to encourage positive thinking in my life. Otherwise I worry I might collapse in on myself (like a dying star).

I seriously think anxiety about my future is doing this to me. It forces me to consider all sorts of irrational and unrelated factors of the world and how my life and the lives of everyone else would be if everything just stopped functioning in the world. It kind of makes me miss the days where my only real concern for the future was the probability of my dying alone and unloved. Those were the days.

I also really need to stop watching television focusing on death, or whatever. She says,

Anyway. Then Ryan fixed my day, I got over my irrational negativity, and I rehearsed Mendelssohn and Huber until forever.

The End


Television programs that this Anth 180 class (Archeology of Death) has gotten me into, unfortunately for my already poor level of productivity: Pushing Daisies, Ghost Hunters, Six Feet Under.

I can only conclude that I need to watch less morbid things on the telly. Because yeesh.

Also, I got into a school. I’m not sure if I’ll go there. We’ll wait and see. I still need to hear from other places. I just can’t wait for this period of my life to be over — the period in which every walk back to my apartment is hell, or a near panic-attack.

Can’t Get There From Here

listening to: r.e.m. – auctioneer (another engine)

Naturally, I came back from break and found nothing in my mailbox. This is the universe’s way of having hilarious and ironic revenge.

On the bright side, I now know that I am basically capable of giving myself a heart-attack. Hah! Hahahaha! Uuuuuh.

This whole pessimism thing…I’m feeling it. More than ever. And it sucks. I talked a little to Ross when I got back to school, and he kind of pointed out that I shouldn’t judge my future and unknown acceptances/rejections based on the past ones. Especially because…truthfully? I’ve been screwed over twice in a way which has nothing to do with the way I played in my auditions or the good connections I have. Sigh. That doesn’t mean I’m not coming up with back-up plans for the future.

I also wowed Ross with my sick and weird knowledge of the history of Springfield, Illinois. Did you know that the NAACP was formed due to the events of a Springfield riot? Hah! The things you probably did not know. I didn’t happen to mention to Ross about how Springfield was over-run with wild hogs during the early 1800’s, though.

Oh, and hey. I was almost killed last night. Michelle blogged this, and I am too lazy to tell my own version. It actually wasn’t that exciting. Me getting seriously hit in the face and concussed would be another story, though. That would be exciting.

And in the continuing story of my dated obsessions…what the hell?

Makes Me Wanna Throw Up!

Every time I think about the grad school letters likely waiting for me in my mailbox upon arriving back at school later today, I almost have a small panic attack.

It kind of makes this song appropriate (even though I’m not hung over).

Shoot me. Shoot me now.

This Is The Random Posting Of Youtube Videos Week

Seriously? Built to Spill? Doing Brian Eno? I like it very much.

Everybody wants to schedule stuff like rehearsals. I just want to sleep. And/or wander around.

HEY! Speaking of sleep. So, there’s this band I really like, called Why?, and I am pretty sure I dreamed last night that I decided to form a band in honor of them, and that I would call it What?. And I definitely didn’t remember this dream today until I was out running and a song by Why? came up on my song-listening device. At which point I went “Why?…wait…What?. What?” Or something along those lines. And I laughed. Heartily.

Augh. As Rebecca just pointed out, we’re going senile in our 20s. Damn my brain.

What I need is BRAIN GYM. Yeah. We learned about Brain Gym last year at the Heifetz Institute. And it’s made me far too aware of any kind of contra-lateral movement I make, and how I should be making more of those movements.

Also: YEAH, CHARLIE ROSE. I wondered what happened to him.

Service Annou….No, Not Really

listening to: cibo matto – le pain perdu

Things you should know: the “links” page has been removed. It will be up again in the future, but much editing is to be done, as most of the people on the list of “people I know” no longer blog. Never fear, though, if you have a blog that was mentioned there, you are undoubtedly mentioned on the right-hand links.

Speaking of blogs….Kyra now has a blog! You should go read it. Because I say so.

m.e.d. – Thank you for your positive vibes! They are appreciated, muchly, and don’t worry about your poor use of the telephone. I am also bad at the telephone.

kyra – Thanks! Also? I think you should know that “we are all equally screwed” is going to become one of my new mottos for life. Because…it’s the truth.

It’s worth noting that I’m trying to temper my obsession with Dungen with…something else. Something more Japanese. Something with more Inazawa Ahito on drums. I love that guy.

Yeah, Luminous Orange.

A Rambly Post About Acceptances And Rejections

listening to: dungen – solen stiger upp

I think I need to bring everybody’s attention to the Flickr group Giant Milk Bottles, to which I just received an invite for this photo:

Giant Milk Bottle

Yeah. Seriously. I don’t know what’s up with all these Giant Milk Bottles everywhere. But if you see any, you know what to do.

In exciting things, I managed to run 4.2 miles this morning. That’s a first, after all of this not-running I’ve been doing. The weather was great, and I felt awesome afterwards. Cheers for endorphins, of which I could use as many as possible to counter this PMS/grad school letter crap.

Receiving good news from Colorado College about their summer program has been a nice up. I’m realizing that grad school or any kind of auditions are emotionally brutal for just about anybody. Because first you have to go through the stress of actually applying and obtaining letters. And then you actually have to go and audition, and tell yourself you sound great and walk in thinking “I’m going to be awesome,” because that’s the only way to really sound awesome, if you know you’re going to do well.And THEN you have to wait for results, which in itself is stressful, and deal with rejections, which wouldn’t be such a big deal if you’d hadn’t just spent all that time convincing yourself you’re awesome only to receive letters from schools that actually imply that you aren’t good enough. And then you have to beat yourself up for not working hard enough. It’s like you have to continually temper your emotions as you go, and that is truly ridiculously not fun.

I felt like I was handling all of this stress alright until around the time I had to play my Civic Audition, where they wouldn’t tell me when or even IF my audition was taking place. Then I lost it. Then I regained my cool right until around the end of my Boston auditions when the weather decided to hate on me excessively. Since then I’ve been not a great person to be around. I know it’s not over yet, but I think I’ve prepared myself for the worst of what could happen, and gone from seeing myself as “awesome!” to “unexceptional.” And so I want to apologize to the people I’ve yelled at, cried on, or mocked ruthlessly in my head. Actually, not so much the people I mocked ruthlessly in my head. You don’t know who you are anyway.

As for now, I kind of want to not go back to school. There must be 2 or more letters waiting for me in my mailbox, and I don’t really want to deal with it.

But on the bright side, what about this Colorado College stuff?!

In case you’re wondering, I only applied to three summer festivals. One I did not get into, but that’s okay, because it’s this one that’s pretty difficult to get into. Another one, the Heifetz Institute where I went last year, did not accept me. Maybe that seems sucky, but I almost saw it coming based on what everybody told me last year, that there were a lot of cello applicants who had previously attended who did not get in that last year. But Colorado College? That’s awesome. Really awesome. I’ve applied to this program every year for the past four years (or maybe 3), not to get in. And to hear that it’s a hard place to get into. So what about that?

Anyway. I can’t wait until I don’t have to think about this crap anymore.

Also? I can’t stop listening to Dungen. You might need to shoot me, reader. Yes, you.


listening to: dungen – intro

You know, it’s the second that you start to deeply care what other people think that life and all things related become stupid and uncomfortable. It’s the reason I’d do very very well as a hermit, and also the reason that I contemplate leaving behind social networking bullshit like Facebook on a weekly basis.

But on the bright side, I have summer plans, and a member of the Ying Quartet possibly called my house. Hee!

Made Of Win!

listening to: dungen – har du vart’ i stockholm

Update: I got into a summer program. A free summer program I’ve been applying to for four years now. I may in fact be made of win.

But…I think David Ying called me. I say “think” because I’m not sure it was actually him. I just suspect. And…I don’t want that man to think I’m any more ridiculous than he already probably does from that one time when I auditioned at Eastman. Ha ha ha.

Separate update: I can’t stop listening to Dungen.

I Lied

listening to: stereolab – moodles

Because I am just as interested in this song as I am a lot of other things. Dammit, R.E.M., I love you so.

I am less pessimistic today. It’s good. I guess. I don’t know. I’m supposedly getting new glasses this week, what with me having kind of wreaked bloody havoc on my current pair for the last two years (I’m thinking back to that initial “jumping-on” incident from possibly as far back as summer ’06 in Brussels. Oops). It turns out one of the only two things in life I actually care about in terms of style or whatever are glasses. It also turns out I pull off orange pretty damn well. Hah, I’m kidding. I would not get orange glasses. OR WOULD I?

In narcissistic news, I’m baaaaaaaack.

Excuse My Pessimism

This might be happening a lot on and off for a while. I blame PMS and life.

Have a ridiculous video, to make up for the pessimism.

Oh lord, so ridiculous. 1983. I’m not as much interested in the song as I am the explanation of their name.

Past Efforts Feel Futile At This Point

So if I can’t go on as a music performance student, what the hell else can I do? I’ve had a lot of moments in the past several years in which I’ve realized that I might not be completely happy with this classical performance stuff. But now that I’m being faced with the possibility of not actually being able to continue anywhere next year, I feel trapped.

That’s what’s going to be running through my head for the next week or so. May everyone else have a nice Spring Break, though.

In Happier Things…

…I can’t stop listening to Dungen.

My initial and outright thoughts:

1) The style of animation in this video doesn’t remind me of anything else at all… (by which I mean it totally does…just a little…)

2) So is Sweden just like…perpetually 1970??

Seriously, though. This album is just killing me, in the best way possible. This was the album that I heard through the floor of the Empty Bottle before the Till By Turning/Roommate Show, while I was waiting in the Green Room/Basement. Christy (of Christy&Emily) was with me, and we were trying to figure out what the fuck language they were singing in. We thought it was some kind of Asian language, or something. I was about to die of curiosity, so I ventured upstairs and asked my sister if she knew this band and we both went and asked the bartender, who told us it was Dungen and that they sang in Swedish. Mystery solved.

For the record, a lot of music sounds just that much cooler when you’re hearing it very loudly through a floor or a wall or a door. Seriously.

It’s Not Possible To Make Everyone Happy All The Time

listening to: dungen – solen stiger upp

This may be repetitive to some readers who I talk to regularly. For which I apologize.

The music world is pretty intense in terms of human interaction and cooperation. This can be rough for young and stupid introverts like myself, in many ways. It’s hard to go out and play music to other people when personally I would rather just lurk and not let other people in on some of these pretty personal experiences of performing music.

On top of that, I am a big advocate of harmony and flexibility and getting along with everyone around you. I’ve had some bad experiences in the past, two pretty big ones that I can think of during the last five years, in which people have been unhappy with me for reasons completely out of my control. And for me it’s a horrible thing dealing with the fact that other people aren’t okay with me or something I have done. I’m sure this is part of the reason that I keep a lot of opinions to myself and my close friends, and that I’d much rather be approachable and easy-going with people at the same time as taking my responsibilities seriously, and not be loud or offensive or a jerk or anything that might be perceived as “unpleasant.” Basically, I have fine-tuned being neutral, which I think is very good. And it’s true, feedback has proven that everyone perceives me to be “nice,” which is just fine with me.

It may also be true that I’m perceived as being “nice” because I just happen to not mention or talk about the things which piss me off, or how ridiculous I actually think some things are, or even just the fact that I’ve gotten better at hiding my general hate for people when I’m in a bad mood.

Recent journeys to the far-off and stressful land of auditions has tampered with my ability to keep myself in check. I have not been at my best during the last week-and-a-half, and I have not really bothered to hide this. The results have been apathy, sarcastic remarks, laziness, and maybe even cruelty. It may not be something other people are around me enough to notice, but I notice it. I may have yelled at a couple people and then actually gone and bragged about it in a tongue-in-cheek manner to other people who found it amusing (don’t ask, just know that ridiculosity occurs in the music school and I’ve had no patience for anything anymore). Some bystanders may have overheard and shaken their heads at me in private. And now I’m finally shaking back into my “neutral” and easy-going manner of being and I’m feeling pretty shameful and guilty for my behavior.

But you know something? That sucks. That I can’t be comfortably honest about how I feel at the risk of offending one or two random people. Because it’s also part of the reason that I’m walked over occasionally and also don’t trust people, because I’m worried that the real me is an offensive jerk and not worth other people’s time. I’m sure I’m blowing my behavior out of proportion, and I’m also sure that none of this is that big a deal. But…I wish there could be some happy medium.

What I’m getting at is that I can’t make everyone on the stupid face of the earth happy all the time, and I my next step in becoming self-sufficient in the social world is probably accept this and not let those people rattle me as much as they are. Nobody’s perfect. Hell, even the fact that I have to blog out something about how I’m worried about offending other people by being me strikes me as awfully self-centered, the fact that no matter what it’s all about me and how important it is for me to be seen as good by everyone. I think honesty, even occasionally sarcastic and blunt honesty should have a chance.

For that matter, though, there are a lot of people out there whose behavior is just as weird as mine in terms of griping one minute and then being offended by other people’s gripes the next. I should really just let this go.

Stupid Universe

listening to: stereolab – nomus et phusis

Score one for that Universe’s Department of Ironic Punishmentation. The teacher at Northwestern who was rumored to be leaving and then was rumored to be staying as it turns out is leaving. Something out there is enjoying playing with me.

In the meantime, though, I have a Nikon D40 and that’s all that matters. I’m serious. I finally had a breakthrough with the White Noise presets AND the in-camera photo adjustments. I still need to work more with the White Noise presets. Those are confusing. But those in-camera photo adjustments are better than any photo-editing software I’ve used, including iPhoto and the software that came with the Nikon D40.

I’m going to be acquiring a sturdier, happier tripod that will be better suited to my larger camera. Is it heavy? NO. Does it resemble some kind of robot-thing from Batman the Animated Series or Doctor Who? YES.

In the meantime, here are some photos that will not fit on the top of the page because my blog’s design is stupid and needs a serious update:

Image quality is not my concern with this one.

Very Fine Indeed
Very fine indeed.

A Meeting...
Ross will have none of this cat stuff.

So tired. So very very tired.

I’m Satan, Seeya Later!

listening to: tahiti 80 – wallpaper for the soul

Just because I’m listening to Tahiti 80 doesn’t mean I’m enjoying listening to Tahiti 80. *shifty eyes*

Colin: Ceremony is a great song. Weren’t we going to cover that in our MaxMSP ensemble last year? Also, it’s your fault I now really like New Order AND The Smiths.

So um, I got the numbers in and have calculated that my chances of getting into the University of Michigan with consideration of how many people applied and how many openings they had for cellos was….

1.4%! Alright!

I’m glad I knew this information before now (though honestly? it would’ve been nice to know a couple months earlier HA FUCKING HA), as when I got that letter in my mailbox this afternoon, I went “AHA!” and was happy to get at least that rejection letter out of the way.

My mother also calculated that the UMichigan made over $10,000 in application fees from cello applicants alone. Sweet deal, you guys.

I think I’ve mentioned my love for Lore Sjoberg before, perhaps along with a link to this Wired: Alt Text entry, but I recently rediscovered the Satanic Advice archive on the Brunching the Shuttlecocks website. All from the man responsible for the Björk song. Man. Who doesn’t love that song.

Introversion Is The New Black!

listening to: new order – ceremony

Huh. Turns out that being boisterous and loud and very openly sarcastic in front of people makes me feel GUILT. What is up with that?

I think the answer will certainly be Spring Break.

I Have To Blog These Made-Up German Words Before I Forget Them For Life

listening to: cLOUDDEAD – son of a gun

random amusing quotes: “TALIA, STOP ASKING ME WHAT TIME IT IS.”

UI Symphony Orchestra just performed Mahler 2. And it was pretty okay. It was downright alright, in fact. And long. By the fourth movement, I think I had lost the cognitive ability to count, so I just started watching the first stand.

Anyway. I’ve missed a couple rehearsals due to auditions, and am a lot more ambivalent about pretty much everything than I usually am. So it’s probably the worst idea in the world for me to be sitting next to Ross, who is also really ambivalent, pretty much all the time.

But yeah. We’re pretty sad, in that somehow during rehearsals we started making up German words and inserting them into our music. Made-up. Or, taking a real English word and adding more, German-er sounding bits to it. Example: bow down = böwen downeuch. But anyway. It’s the performance, and somewhere in the first movement, on the last page. We all have our mutes on (or damper, in German). And all of the sudden, I see, written really big, “dampenfrügen.” And I get all confused and look around for an actual printed instruction to take off our mutes. And there is none. But for some reason I take mine off anyway. And then SO DOES ROSS. And then two lines later is the place where you are actually supposed to take off your mute. And I am trying my hardest not to start snickering on-stage. For the rest of the first movement. And I am pretty sure Ross and I were the most entertained people in that entire concert hall, throughout that entire hour-and-a-half period.

In completely unrelated things, I need a haircut.

Auditory Hell, No More

listening to: buffalo daughter – bird song

Man. Audioblogger, you can go to hell. Even though you’re probably already there. Because you’re DEAD.

Yeah. So anyway. Remember that Audioblogger thing that used to be around, which was awesome in that you could call it, talk into your phone and it would post an audio file to your blog? I think in like November of 2006 they shit-canned the whole thing, but claimed that they would keep all files up and running.

LIARS! It’s gone. All of it. And I don’t even really feel bad about the actual audioblogs I lost, but for this ONE FILE taken summer 2005 at Josh’s house, which involved Josh, a guitar, a loop pedal, Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik and possibly between 10 and 15 loops which combined might make one’s ears bleed or maybe resemble something you’d hear in hell. Damn me. Why couldn’t I have downloaded and saved that one at least?

There was also a good one in which I detailed the specifics of an Allen Hall Firedrill at 6am. Sigh.

In other things, I hate myself.

And my daily energy patterns have been so messed up. It’s ridiculous. Ever since I got back from Boston, there are certain parts of the day where I hit rock-bottom and have no energy. And unfortunately for me, those times are generally right around orchestra, and in the late evening around 7 or 8, when I normally get stuff done. I mean…what the hell, body? It’s not like I was traveling 5 time-zones away. It was one hour difference. I think the real problem here is not so much time-zones but amount of sleep acquired in relation to amount of stress or physical activity.

But I should quit bitching. Spring Break is over yonder and the weather is becoming workable for all sorts of things. Like running and walking and driving and not freezing.

No more bitching. None.


listening to: mission of burma – trem two

It turns out governors everywhere are having some issues.

As for me, I am sleeping more and feeling more energetic, but am mysteriously no less misanthropic. I have this theory. That it takes a lot more energy and effort to equalize my being in order to interact and be around people. I am pretty sure the last 5 weeks has been too much, and now that it’s over I just hate everyone.

Oh well.

I just hope I’m not confusing other people too much. I suspect that my behavior has been WAY more anti-people and impatient and grouchy than normal, around pretty much everybody. Other people, I apologize. It’s not you. It’s me. I just need some extended alone-time. Like a month of it. And then we’ll all be happy again. Or whatever.

There are one or two people I can tolerate, though. Which is comforting. Slightly. Barely. Vaguely.

In other things, I’ve been wheat and sugar-free for two days. It sucks. Or is awesome. I don’t know, two days is too early to feel any different. Ask me how I’m feeling in possibly a week. Tonight, though, I used spelt flour instead of regular all-purpose flour for some the sauce random pasta-thing I made and the results were…less-than-ideal. Anybody who puts edible things together over heat…any good wheat-free flour substitutes that aren’t spelt? My money right now is going on rice flour…