listening to: matt haimovitz – romainian folk-dances
GOD. FUCKING FRENCH COMPOSERS.
I’m going to skip straight to the whiny-ness.
So, I’m giving this second recital. Which I mentioned. And…WHY BOTHER?! Seriously. What is my problem? It’s like…the ONLY reason I have to do this is to keep repertoire in good shape and give myself another chance to perform.
But…what’s the use of performing if nobody’s there to hear it?
Okay. I don’t want to bitch about this, but I’m going to do it, anyway. I was pissed off after my last recital because HALF of the people who said they would be there weren’t. And of course I was happy for the people who were there, and I tried to be a real diplomat. A real positive-outlook type person about the matter. That it didn’t matter who wasn’t there based on who WAS there. But it still got me in the end. And for some reason I took it more personally than I should have. Maybe because this entire past 12 months has been ridiculous and frustrating and made me lose my faith and trust in people. Who cares? Nobody. I’ve never felt like that after a recital before, regardless of people showing up or not. I somehow managed to put myself in a really difficult position.
Part of it is me. Yes, I want to know that people care about me and the things I do. But part of it is performance in general. Why am I doing this if nobody gives a shit? How am I supposed to make a living off a medium that even other performers don’t care about? I know it’s not as simple as that. It’s like Schleicher says, you need to get out and get the audience. They aren’t just going to come to you, in this day and age of shiny things and internet and instant gratification in almost all manners.
But you know what? When it comes down to it, it’s hard to want to put forth energy into something nobody else takes interest in. But I no longer have this choice. I’ve sent out invitations. I need to go out there and give my all, even if there are only three people in the audience. Even if my DAD isn’t going to be there (because he’s not). It’s not like it’s everybody else’s fault for all having lives and being busy and doing things but…
I don’t know. Now I just feel selfish and whiny. I know people take an interest. I’m just being excessively hard on myself.
This is why I don’t like performance. I just don’t. I feel like I’m not cut out for it. I don’t like putting myself on that pedestal. I don’t like trying to be an extrovert. I don’t like sharing, even. Why am I doing this? What else could I do instead? Who can I talk to about this, as every other freaking person in my immediate family and every one of my teachers is a performer. What can I do before I go off and get another degree for something which I’m not sure I enjoy or want to put myself into? What do I do?
(note: I asked that to Kyra today, and she told me I should be a conductor. HA NOT FUNNY)
Wow, sorry. That’s been lying around in my brain for a while now, and it all just sort of put itself out there.
What I do now is practice hard and play for the three people in the audience and really love the fact that three people showed up in the first place. And eat cookies with them (because I’m totally eating sugar and crap by that point).
Then I keep practicing hard and go to Heifetz and observe to see if I slowly turn into little miss grumps-a-lot, or if I do okay and enjoy music, and then figure things out.
Most of all, though, I need to really get myself to understand that people do care. Not about my playing or my attentiveness as a musician or whatever. But that they care about my well-being and my happiness. They do, I know. It’s just…I really don’t think I believe anybody does, after the last 12 or so months. So…they do.
I’m going to go watch The Office season finale ending maybe 5 more times, because THAT will be the thing to make me feel better right now. For serious. Oh my god. Asdf;ljk.