I’ll Glaze Your Backside, Young Man

listening to: the orb – fluffy little clouds

So I didn’t get to poison young minds today because there was a miscommunication between our professor and the district teacher about WHAT DAY the cellos would be teaching. But never fear, untainted brains of young musicians. We have five weeks of teaching left. Haaaahahahaha.

In other things, Ann made a cheesecake. It was really good. And I love the Nintendo Wii. I think I would actually marry it, if that were possible and a legal option. It and I can just be married in name only, I guess.

I wish Brandon and Schleicher would come back, because I officially have no motivation when both these important hero-worship figures are missing from my life. None.

I Am Grumpy. Deal With It.

listening to: stuart davis – atavistic viking

Things that make me grumble:

+ Not being able to sleep for no apparent reason.

+ The fact that no matter how much recycling people put in the bin, I am the only person to ever put it out on the curb. Ever.

+ Ants?! In my shower?! What the hell (actually, I know it’s because of this exfoliating bath shit I got at Trader Joe’s that is mostly sugar and sweet almond oil. Regardless, I need to call somebody about this tomorrow).

+ Mixed signals.

+ The internet.

+ People.

Directly opposing things that ease the grumbling:

+ When my friends provide me with Klondike Bars and Wii Sonic. WIII.

+ The fact that apparently my Mii looks exactly like me.

+ Storytelling

+ Being accepted to Encore (question mark?)?

+ Fluffy Little Clouds

Jesus God. School is making me cranky. I’ll fix it. Just give me a good 48 hours.

In other things, tomorrow I get to poison young minds at Urbana Middle School. Admittedly, I am kind of nervous about teaching.

Also, we have to do this project for pedagogy in which we create our own method book evaluation and then fill out 15 of these for different method books. Well, I’ll have you know that the Alexanian book gave me the biggest paper-cut of my life. I mentioned this in my evaluation form under “additional comments.”

I’m A Bum

listening to: jane’s addiction – summertime rolls

This entry is to confirm that I have sold my soul to the devil, who just happens to be a cellist.

Against the wailing, whining 12-year-old cries of my brain, I confirmed my attendance for the summer with this institute-place-thing, this morning. It’s actually all because of my Dad. I needed a second opinion, so I phoned home, and by jove, the man was so excited I couldn’t take it.

More later, on why I don’t jump for joy at summer programs (it doesn’t make any sense. you’d think i would actually not rather want to crawl into a gutter for six weeks, but somehow here i am…), and why I’m a bum, and where I would probably be if my parents weren’t musicians, too (hint: gutter).

But for now: best cover song, ever.

God, I Hate Summer Music Programs…

listening to: luscious jackson – find your mind

I am back from my unofficial spring break blogging hiatus to say…

FREAKIN A’.

I came back to find a letter in my mail-box from one of the summer programs I had applied to in a last-minute frenzy of worry in regards to being accepted by a summer festival at all. It’s not an orchestral thing. Or a big chamber music thing. I guess it’s not even a festival, but more of an institute. Yeah. Institute. If you’re me, you’re right about now pressing the panic button. Institutes. With the numerous hours of practicing. And the very young people who are better than most people you’ve seen. With the being stuck in a resort for six weeks (in this case, a resort in New Hampshire — which I guess is an up from a resort in Missouri, ie, there will be less weird conservatives and people from St. Louis). There is also the added fact that I am now of an age to be a loud, benign college student-y type (I know I’m not. I’m just saying. Potential). Where would I fit in?

The main problem here is that this letter was apparently sitting in my mailbox for a week, and this institute needs to know by tomorrow whether or not I’m going to be gracing them with my Midwestern, misanthropic, cranky cello-playing presence. What should I do?

I haven’t heard from any other festivals yet, mostly because they are festivals that don’t inform you anything until mid-April. I might want to go to Blossom. But what if they don’t accept me? They did last year, yes. But that was last year. There’s no solid chance that I will go back. Six weeks is so long. I hate summer programs in general. I really do. I can’t help it. People make me cranky.

But learning. The faculty is pretty awesome. I told my teacher that this year I would definitely do something a little more beneficial for my own playing, as opposed to my orchestral whatever. This program would ensure that I would have my butt kicked — which I will clearly need for the following school-year. Also, you know. Maybe an institute with all different ages and awesome teachers and not-weird conservatives would work for me. I know that YOA was pretty cool, but I also know that my cranky introvert issues (and having mono at the time) really made things not great for some parts of it. Maybe I will find more solace in a place where I can sleep and practice and eat and not travel a shit-ton and also lurk when necessary, and also hopefully be able to take advantage of the fact that I am kind of older and crap.

Also, this would mean that I’d get to spend some time hanging out in Upstate NY, if I chose to drive. Also, it would mean that I’d get to spend some time after the program at home without parents, as they will be in Italy. Which…yeah. It’s sad, but dammit, I enjoy being at home alone.

But still. Ugh.

Ugh. Sometimes it’s really freaking hard to do what you know is best for you.

Three Brain-Injuring Albums

listening to: andrew bird – plasticities

Drooool Andrew Bird.

I’ve procured three fairly amazing albums in the last week. One being Andrew Bird’s Armchair Apocrypha, which is out as of the 20th (damn. i’m never on top of new releases). And it’s…yeah. Words fail me. Good.

Except, I’m not entirely sure whether or not I prefer him live. I’m thinking “yes.” I mean, I really love the production of this album. It’s got all the right songs in all the right places. But I think what I like about how he works is how minimalistic everything is. He basically builds every part of the song with the loop and then things play out on top. I’m a sucker for musical layering.

So I guess it’s awesome that he’s coming to Champaign on the 18th of April. Drooool, at the thought of this song live.

Other albums that I ordered a while ago: Ancient Greeks’ The Song Is You and Roommate’s Songs the Animals Taught Us. The amount of amazingly enjoyable music that has entered my life in the last week is almost overwhelming. I live for new sounds.

Yeah. The Ancient Greeks. Good lord. Talk about minimalistic. I wonder how they crafted these songs without heads exploding. Also, I know I expressed a deep love for their guitar player (who is also the guitarist of The Occidental Brothers), but seriously? I’m also fostering a deep love for the bassist and drummer. The rhythm. Oh man.

And Roommate. Damn. I don’t even know where to begin. Just that it takes a certain kind of electronic workability to get me, and I’m gotten. Or something. That doesn’t make sense, I know.

I’m done. I quit. At least I updated (honestly, this was the only way I could think of to get myself to update. I am so lazy I can’t even blog properly anymore).

Rampant Series Of Sentences

listening to: maritime – protein and poison

AAAAAAAAH SOMEBODY MAKE THE ANSWERING MACHINE SHUT UP.

It’s beeping. I don’t like it.

I’m bad at updating. I will update later.

I’m actually bad at everything. Don’t be my friend.

Except…man! My cello! And I! Are Awesome!

I am going now.

Cheers.

Briefly Stopping In To Say That–

listening to: roommate – status hounds

I am back at school (for just tonight before I am home).

Michelle’s school is…weird.

I hate I-465. And the general chore of driving in and around Indianapolis.

My Dad actually told me last week that I should skip Indiana entirely and go to Nashville. Haven’t I told you that my Dad is awesome?

More later, as I am for once in my life itching to practice. At a creepily empty music building.

Yeehaw, The End.

Getting My Edge Back

listening to: cocteau twins – pandora

Alright. I hate blogging when I don’t feel like it. But somehow, here I am.

Last night was our Don Juan concert. Which was fantastic. I mean, Don Juan was fantastic. And aside from that, something cool happened in the middle of the piece. I feel like I regained my ability to be on-stage with an orchestra and not worry that something very bad is going to happen (and by “very bad,” I don’t mean “oh hell I’m going to miss this strange and impossible arpegiated run-thing,” because I certainly did that last night and I was still having an awesome time.)

Maybe I should mention how much I love playing in an orchestra. Maybe I should mention how it’s something I’ve been doing since I was pretty young, and something I became super-comfortable with and excitable with over the summer during the tour. You can’t be on-stage that often for so many hours of the day and not start to really feel comfortable up there.

But something really crazy happened to my ability to enjoy being onstage after our Orchestra Hall concert last fall, when my body lost it. It feels like every since then, something deep inside is holding me back. Worried that something is going to go wrong, that I am going to be physically unable to keep myself going. Even during opera while we were in the pit and only the people leaning over from the front row and high up in the balcony could see us, I was really just…scared, somewhere inside.

But last night, we were playing freaking Don Juan! And it was crazy, and of course we weren’t hitting all the notes. And Schleicher was on the podium (which hasn’t happened for me since last December), and things were really happening. And suddenly it was fun! I didn’t care that there were bright lights and people were watching and it was just fun.

I had fun. Playing Don Juan. Hah!

But more, I feel really good knowing that I can still do that, really enjoy being onstage. Because I’ve been feeling pretty not-great about performing in front of people recently. Confidence is a difficult thing to grasp, sometimes. More on this later, as it has been a subject of much talk recently.

But yes. Now it is almost officially break, and I am officially going to Indiana to visit Michelle and M.E.D., but first I need to not be lazy and get things done and turn in forms for various crap. Horaay.

Ooh, comment response!

Colin: I’m not going to be back in Champaign until next Sunday, so…well, it will have to wait. But don’t let the DVD weigh on your conscience. Because…well, yeah, I haven’t really thought about watching it for a while, anyway.

I Hate You, BoingBoing.net

listening to: mouse on mars – doit

Okay, there’s a reason that I only check boingboing.net a couple times a week now, and it’s THINGS LIKE THIS.

God.

(linked from this entry on boingboing: origins of the jackalope. And if you want to completely terrify yourself and not be able to eat for several hours, click on the link to the guy with the skin condition. This is the sort of thing I have nightmares about.)

I need to like….think about rainbows or spaceships for a minute now. Just o purify my mind and stuff. Inner poise, Talia.

Professor Taylor apparently also reads boingboing, and he started talking about this stuff yesterday to other people while I was sitting there and…I need to go clean myself off with rubbing alcohol or something. MAN.

In other things, I wish I could fix things for people. I really do. But sometimes you’ve gotta stick it out and deal with it yourself, even if it sucks. Everyone has to go through it. Right?

In similar things, I wish I’d known that March 9th was National Get Over It Day.

And also, in more really weird (but not gross) links, weird shit people have smuggled into Germany. Cobra wine?! Life is weird.

You Sound Just Like The Toaster!

listening to: stuart davis – universe communion

Before I say anything else, I need to point out today’s Spiderman on Comics Curmudgeon. It made me have to stiffle giggling randomly during conducting seminar, because I think the idea of Spiderman getting clobbered by a brick after saving some random lady? Priceless. Other people just think I’m crazy. They sound just like the toaster.

Hey. This is an update.

A’ight. Obligatory neurotic health ramble (sort of) starts…..nnnnow: I’ve stopped eating yogurt and started drinking kefir. What is kefir, you ask? While wikipedia offers a far better explanation than I possibly could, the short answer is: a milk drink fermented with kefir grains (a combination of bacteria and yeast). Kefir is supposed to have numerous health benefits, things having to do with calcium absorption and promotion of good bacteria in the intestines and also ease of digestion for those who are lactose intolerant. I had only heard of people making their own Kefir until my mother started buying the Lifeway manufactured kefir sold at Meijer, which happens to come in quite an array of flavors. I have to admit that the two reasons I now buy Kefir but not yogurt is because a) the brands of yogurt that are inexpensive but I also actually enjoy all contain unnatural sweeteners of the high fructose corn-syrup type, which I really want to try and get away from when I can and b) the health benefit stuff.

But considering my initial introduction to Kefir eight or nine years ago, somebody needs to give me a gold medal for having come this far, even if it now comes in friendly flavors.

When I was 13, we spent Christmas with my mom’s family in upstate New York. And incidentally, this happened to be during a period during which my aunt was seeing a homeopathic doctor and family friend who lived down the road a few miles. Long story short, I ended up having plain, tart, tastes-of-nothingness Kefir shoved down my throat by a scary German woman (later said of German woman after spotting her at a concert last summer with my sister: “Run! She’ll diagnose us!”). Yeah. Not cool. Beware the German doctor-lady.

Anyway. I’m positive that I’m not milking (hah! get it?!) all the benefits I would be if I drank plain Kefir without all the sugar. I downloaded some PDF from Lifeway’s site showing that the flavored Kefir’s benefits are not so strong as the plain. But hey. Baby steps. I’m kind of a texture freak. Creamy things are not my forte. Creamy things without flavor, really not my thing. This may change in the future.

Also, I think it’s the weather. Or the fact that break starts in approximately 2 days. Or the fact that it’s Girl-Scout Cookie season and Adrian gave me Samoas today, but I am GIDDY!! Giddy like a Fox on Tuesday!

Existing.

listening to: cocteau twins – foxes in midsummer fires

The system is not down!

Our internet didn’t really work for a good portion of yesterday. Which sucked. But now it does. So yay.

I really have nothing to say. Today is stupidly busy, which sucks because it’s only Sunday. And tomorrow will be slightly ridiculous. There’s this masterclass I’m playing in at 5, right after orchestra. And my quartet is also playing in it. And there are two other masterclasses occurring simultaneously, which is ridiculous. And…yeah.

I mildly embarrassed myself in studio yesterday, playing Schumann with an accompanist for the very first time, ever. Basically, it brings me back to what my teacher told me while I was at Iowa and playing Shostakovich: know the score. I felt a bit guilty about this. But I sounded good. Hmm.

I really have nothing to say. Maybe only that I want my hour of sleep back.

Bad Run-On Entry

listening to: four tet – hands

IT IS LATE. I am studying. Or, I was until I decided to blog.

I’m kind of screwed? Maybe? I don’t know. I hardly care!

The band my sister plays in (Roommate) was actually here tonight, so I said “screw studying” and went. And I was one of THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE YEAH! And I brought my sister a stand. And the sound people were idiots. And when my sister laughed a shrill and ridiculous laugh, I heard it and went “GOOD GOD! I do that stupid laugh, too!” And Erica told this story about how she gave herself a concussion and I laughed so hard even though that sucks. And Ann came. And so did Dan. Who were the other two audience members. Sweet.

Exciting things: next Friday I’m going to visit Michelle in Indiana. And M.E.D apparently starts her spring break that very day and is also going to be in Indiana!!!!!!!!! I am so very very excited. Very. There will be romping a-plenty.

I hate that I’m blogging and it’s 1:41am and I still have about 15 more names and terms to define, and I did this to myself, and it’s sad that I hardly care.

Also, I was too busy in my continuous run-on sentence to mention that Roommate was AWESOME. CRAP.

Foot Out The Door

listening to: jill sobule – kathie lee

HEY EVERYBODY THIS IS ME NOT STUDYING.

Yeah. Check it out. Because…blogging is not studying. And neither is running or eating or sitting in the library thinking “hey, I’m going to leaf through this book and pretend to be studying but not actually study” and then go home and continue to not study. Excellent.

Ugh.

I’m applying to Madeline Island again. Because Vince cajoled me into it. Because if I went to Madeline Island with Vince and we were in a group together??! HAHAHAHAHAHA that would be hilarious. Also because at this point, I’m going where somebody will take me. And preferably not to a place that is going to be in session for 8 weeks. God. I would jab my eyes out with a spoon.

But I don’t know. I’m currently going through this period of being somewhat restless and needing to meet new people and see new things. Maybe it’s because I’ve been in one place for too long or maybe it’s because of all this shitty friend shit going on

On a somewhat related note: I realized recently that I have this tendency when something upsets me to avoid the real issue and blame it on something fairly unrelated. Like, say somebody makes me feel awkward or uncomfortable or just doesn’t get me. I find some completely off-the-wall reason that we wouldn’t get along, such as their hometown. “So and so is from Alabama?! That explains everything!” And then I run with it. And then later I go “wait a minute. That has nothing to do with anything” and realize I’ve just been avoiding the real issues. It’s like, I frantically look for any reason that might explain why things don’t work out, especially in terms of people.

And again, on another somewhat related note: People keep telling me this isn’t my place. That this isn’t my school. And it’s weird, because I know they’re right. But I also know that I’ve never known anything else besides this place, or at least a place very much like it. And because I’m clingy, I’m attached to it. But I also know it’s important that I get my foot out the door. Wait. I’m tired. Does that make sense? Meh. I don’t care. And I have a while to think about this, yet, as I am going to be here for another year.

And my sister’s band is playing at the Illini Courtyard on Friday! And it is free! And I am going! And that is awesome.

Cooking Green Chiles Makes My Apartment Smell Awesome

listening to: gui boratto – beautiful life

Busy. Currently in the process of making dinner (a chicken dish involving green chiles and rice). Then to celebrate Ann’s birthday. Then to study my brains out. I have this midterm for my Renaissance history class on Friday and GAH.

I guess the only reason I’m blogging is because yesterday I updated the music blog with a REALLY FREAKY cover of Porno For Pyro’s Pets, and I wanted to share that here. Yes, it is a ska cover. Go. Go listen now.

I convinced Brandon that entering the concerto competition in 6 days with a piece I have not yet memorized the third movement of or played up to tempo is a bad idea, especially in lieu of Don Juan and a midterm. But I am going to be playing in two master-classes and trying to do some work with piano before break, which can be difficult when your studio accompanist has sprained her wrist.

I am also being slightly uptight today. It’s not your fault.

*edit* That chicken dish is AWESOME. Go me, for cooking!

Shock And Awe

listening to: r.e.m. – the flowers of guatemala

WOW.

They canceled the 2007 YOA tour. That’s insane! And that REALLY sucks for people who were actually going on that tour, as it was going to be fairly huge. Just…wow.

And the Exec Director resigned?! Now I will actually audition to go back.

Just…wow.

Posted in yoa

A Return To Normalcy, Really

listening to: bonnie pink – kingyo

Heh heh. Keyboards are fun-ny.

Augh. I did not sleep last night. Not for any particular reason, just that sometimes I simply can’t sleep. Anyhow. I don’t recommend this to anyone. Just close your eyes, tell your brain to shut the bloody organ grinder hell up, and sleep. Because, seriously.

That being said, today was hilarious. And also stupid. Hilarious because I already have problems successfully interacting with people when I’m running on 7 hours of sleep. Stupid because I’m cranky and kind of want to hit people in the face. Except…that’s the way I typically am, save for most of this past week for some reason. Maybe this is actually a return to normalcy with the addition of some random fatigue.

And also, PEOPLE NEED TO SHUT UP.

Toothpaste For Dinner

I just…my god. Can’t people shut up about the cello and music and all things related for once? Just once? I don’t care about who played what or when or what festival so and so knows who from. …Alright, honestly? I do care. Just not every waking hour of the day and when there are so many other interesting things in the world to talk about. Like how wasabi and space travel do not go together. Or how apparently it has been discovered that Al Sharpton is the descendant of a slave owned by Strom Thurmond’s family? Or the fact that, dammit, I love my Cuisinart. It’s true.

But back to today — my favorite part of today was where I couldn’t talk. Or how when I did talk, I managed to say things that were completely not what I wanted to, and maybe say them at conversational points where they didn’t make sense (ie, going to see Philharmonia and saying “thank you” to the ticket-person before handing her my ticket. What the hell?). Wait. No! My favorite part of today was when I hugged the fire-extinguisher box on the third floor and some harpist actually told me I was weird. I wish I didn’t love scaring people so much…

In conclusion, when I’m sleep-deprived, I have all the symptoms of a concussion. So if you see my stumbling around, answering questions that people asked me five minutes previously, I probably do not have a concussion. Probably.

Yeah. But definitely with the misanthropy. That’s totally happening. It’s weird. I haven’t been so cranky and “get away from me, people in general” for a while. It’s almost like coming home…

But I did get some things done today. Important things. Also things I didn’t really want to do. But I did them. And I’m glad they’re done. And my mom is awesome. Just saying.

And I made an egg in a basket for breakfast. And they are so terribly simple and yet ingenious. As well as delicious.

My Brain Is Full Of Thoughts

listening to: cibo matto – know your chicken

HOLY SHIT YESTERDAY WAS MY BLOG’S BIRTHDAY AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT.

5 years. That’s a long time. This year I don’t have a cool new layout or anything in celebration of the 5 years. Also, Blogger ate an earlier entry. So…who knows.

Anyway. I’m tired. And I might maybe sort of kind of revoke anything negative I ever said about Guitar Hero and think it possibly maybe kicks ass.

What. I need to go to bed.

Kicking Ass

listening to: towa tei – GBI (German Bold Italic)

New entry up at Music From Some Girl In Space!

Hey. I’ve stopped having a heart-attack. Which is good news.

But I did realize, that I really need to be more assertive. In a big way. I need to kick ass, literally and figuratively. I need to set things on my terms. I need to not suppress my wants and needs. I need to be proactive.

Example: next week I am going to tell Schleicher that I would be interested in actually conducting in seminar next year, as opposed to just playing.

In all honesty, I feel better today than I have in weeks. Maybe it was because yesterday I got a taste of sunlight. Maybe it was because I realized that I can be a lot more when I’m not being a doormat.

But the real reason I am blogging is that I need to share some link-spam.

+ Scientists assess DNA hair sample from Human being apparently not from earth. WTF!

+ Cyborg Pigeons. ….

+ Steampunk Star Wars Asdf;ljk! I love Steampunk!

And finally, the two most delicious foodblogs (warning: high meat content):

+ Homesick Texan and

+ The Food Pornographer

Both are proof that you don’t need to actually be eating food in order to enjoy it a great deal. Although, I guess that helps.

Proactivity Is Good

listening to: stuart davis – original face

Aaaadabwa!!!!!

I officially don’t have time to fuck around anymore.

It never fails. Every time. Every spring semester, I somehow find myself overwhelmed with the STUFF that needs doing. All the things that need playing. I feel like…all I ever work at is making sure other people are satisfied with whatever it is I’m doing for them, musically, etc. I don’t think this is something I can afford to let happen right now. When someone asks me nicely to play something and I think that whatever it is they are asking me to do is even a LITTLE bit awesome, then I am a goner. Really. That’s all you need to know to get me to play stuff for you!! Because, seriously! All this stuff people ask me to play is awesome! I want to do it! But where is the time? I need to be more assertive about this stuff. I guess I realized just how important that is when I find myself in a situation where other people are actually being LESS assertive than I am. I’m not used to that. I want to know that I’m making other people happy by playing for them, yes, but mostly I need to set things on my own terms, so I don’t end up completely dead, later.

There are only so many hours of the day that I can go, you know? Especially in terms of number of hours behind the cello. Between orchestra, chamber, all these recitals and trying to make room for practice, where is my brain going to end up?

Slush, that is where (how?) my brain will end up.

I have to remember the abuse we put up with at YOA over the summer. It’s not acceptable. I can’t be playing more than a certain number of hours in the day.

And classes, what on earth are those? I need to study like hell.

Next spring this will not happen. I simply will not let it. My recital will be in the fall and not April 21st and I will have auditions to contend with in the early spring and mostly I will just NOT AGREE to play for things. I’ve gotten better at saying “no.” But I still have a ways to go.