listening to: cocteau twins – pandora
Alright. I hate blogging when I don’t feel like it. But somehow, here I am.
Last night was our Don Juan concert. Which was fantastic. I mean, Don Juan was fantastic. And aside from that, something cool happened in the middle of the piece. I feel like I regained my ability to be on-stage with an orchestra and not worry that something very bad is going to happen (and by “very bad,” I don’t mean “oh hell I’m going to miss this strange and impossible arpegiated run-thing,” because I certainly did that last night and I was still having an awesome time.)
Maybe I should mention how much I love playing in an orchestra. Maybe I should mention how it’s something I’ve been doing since I was pretty young, and something I became super-comfortable with and excitable with over the summer during the tour. You can’t be on-stage that often for so many hours of the day and not start to really feel comfortable up there.
But something really crazy happened to my ability to enjoy being onstage after our Orchestra Hall concert last fall, when my body lost it. It feels like every since then, something deep inside is holding me back. Worried that something is going to go wrong, that I am going to be physically unable to keep myself going. Even during opera while we were in the pit and only the people leaning over from the front row and high up in the balcony could see us, I was really just…scared, somewhere inside.
But last night, we were playing freaking Don Juan! And it was crazy, and of course we weren’t hitting all the notes. And Schleicher was on the podium (which hasn’t happened for me since last December), and things were really happening. And suddenly it was fun! I didn’t care that there were bright lights and people were watching and it was just fun.
I had fun. Playing Don Juan. Hah!
But more, I feel really good knowing that I can still do that, really enjoy being onstage. Because I’ve been feeling pretty not-great about performing in front of people recently. Confidence is a difficult thing to grasp, sometimes. More on this later, as it has been a subject of much talk recently.
But yes. Now it is almost officially break, and I am officially going to Indiana to visit Michelle and M.E.D., but first I need to not be lazy and get things done and turn in forms for various crap. Horaay.
Ooh, comment response!
Colin: I’m not going to be back in Champaign until next Sunday, so…well, it will have to wait. But don’t let the DVD weigh on your conscience. Because…well, yeah, I haven’t really thought about watching it for a while, anyway.