Rationalization City

listening to: brian eno – mother whale eyeless

In the following entry I am going to self-rationalize two things.

One: I have to admit that I am starting to feel a little bit guilty for not even having considered going back to YOA after being re-invited last month. Especially upon talking to friends from the tour who have not yet heard about being re-invited, and want very much to go back. But…why should I feel bad? Okay. Here is my statement on the matter: while I do not want to go back this year, it is completely understandable that a lot of people do, especially some of the older students who may not be as spoiled as I am by still having parents to support them. My mother told me that if she were an older student and had an automatic re-invite, she would definitely agree to go. So, good for those people who were re-invited and want to go back. However, in my instance, I am a year short of auditioning for grad school. I like other things besides orchestra. And for the love of god, I need to practice. I don’t think I practiced once during the entire tour. Not once! Unless you count right before the seating auditions on the second day. Four weeks is a long time to not practice of have teacherly guidance on a personal basis. Seven weeks (next year’s tour) is even longer! I really want to work with a teacher. And practice. And play chamber music!!!! Really. Thinking about it now, I can see myself re-auditioning for YOA in maybe…three years. But for the moment, I think I need something different for this year. Also, I just want to mention that because I am a tight-ass, the organization drove me nuts, and I don’t think I can deal with that again so soon. Brrrrrr!

Alright. That’s great. Something else I want to bring up is: why do some people get re-invites and others don’t?! There is no logical way that one’s being re-invited could be based on seating. That doesn’t make sense and it isn’t right and from what I understand, I don’t think that’s how it works. And what else would they do, base re-invites on public behavior or punctuality or what?! It doesn’t make sense, and I seriously honestly truly feel that it’s unfair that some people are being re-invited and others aren’t and nobody knows what qualifies said re-invite. Re-invites also make people with guilt complexes (hi there!) feel bad for receiving said re-invite, regardless of whether they accept the invitation or not. Otherwise this rationalization wouldn’t even be here. It just…makes me kind of angry! Auditions make things FAIR! I mean, in theory, they do.

And so I am not going back to YOA and I hope the people who want/need to go back end up able to do so. Good luck to everyone.

Two: I have recently been overcome by a wave of self-doubt. As in, automatically assuming that people think I’m an idiot upon face-to-face and electronic encounter, and being super-conscious of even the most vague and fleeting amount of interaction. I think the bottom line is that I think too much about what other people think. That feeling is generally omnipresent in me to some extent, but more so in the past four or five days for some reason I can’t pinpoint. I had the longest phone conversation in the history of phone conversations with Rachel a couple nights ago (for the record, hour-long fits of laughter don’t count as conversations, I’m referring to that one time), and her parting words to me were never to apologize for calling or “bothering her” and to stop verbally abusing myself with self-doubt and assuming that nobody would want to talk to me because of all my “faults.” She mentioned that other people are usually worried about what they’re saying as well, and to keep that in mind while talking to those other people and not to think that I’m the helpless idiot. And actually, this reminds me of something I read in Brief Interviews With Hideous Men in the chapter [The Depressed Person], about how the Depressed Person always had to demean her situation and apologize for being as pathetic as she was to her core support peers, so that she could make clear how she was aware that she was being a whiny and a bother, and that she wasn’t trying to do so on purpose. Which…is…holy crap. Exactly what I do. And it’s pretty ridiculous. There is no reason for me to do this. Ever. It’s not being polite. It’s being ridiculous.

But for me it’s with just regular speaking in front of people. If I ever wander off-topic from a story or can’t seem to get words out (which…well…it happens), I usually become flustered and give up or apologize to people for being a poor speaker. I suspect that if I can actually work through my wandering or stuttering or whatever the heck it is I do, I could actually get my point across and keep going and not have to demean myself in the process. And I also realize that what doesn’t help is when my friends make fun of me. The funny thing is that I never mind when my friends make fun of me. It’s amusing to me as well. But when people generalize my character in front me, I tend to adapt those generalizations in my head because…well…I’m only human. And stuff.

It’s also interesting to look back at all my past social failures in history (junior high school, summer festivals, amidst extended family members) and see how the minute little things were the ones that brought me down to being a self-deprecating ass.

So maybe that’s my uh “resolution” for ’07. To not judge and demoralize myself the way I think others do. I could be a much happier person that way. And also probably help to bring down my level of anxiety. Woo. Wouldn’t that be awesome.

Unexpected Three: I shouldn’t have to feel bad for not playing gigs that aren’t worth my time. Haven’t I been through this already?

At His Ben Murphiest

listening to: r.e.m. – the wrong child

Oh. God.

John Krasinski is starring as one of the lead characters in a movie called License to Wed, with Mandy freaking Moore. Why?! But aside from that, his character’s name in the movie is Ben Murphy (aka, star in Riding with Death, of MST3k fame). The worst part of all of this is that……..I think I need to see it. Dammit.

I’m Lame For Not Updating In Three Days

listening to: r.e.m. – we walk

Merry (late) Christmas and all that jazz.

Yes, indeed, the Christmas season brought all sorts of action to the stage. My sister was home. I got some stuff. I took some pictures. I ate some food. Some absurdity occurred. The end.

Megand: yes yes oh yes I will see you.

This Can Be The Swayze-ist Christmas Of Them All!

listening to: the sea and cake – colony room

One: AAAAAAADWABAH DELETED SCENES!!!!!!!!!! Poor ridiculously cute Jim.

Two: I made a pizza tonight! As in, I made the crust from scratch with the Cuisinart that I guess is my one-day early Christmas gift. I can deal one less gift at the traditional present-opening time because of the factor of deliciousness involved in this pizza. Delicious. I’ve noticed that there is a common knowledge of crust-making running in my family. Remember the awesome pie? I do.

Three: I have suddenly returned to being 100% content with sitting up in my room reading for a greater portion of the day. After a really socially active but weird summer and a moderately socially active semester, I worried that I might be more people-needy than I have been, especially with the crap weather happening. But I’m glad to see that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Currently reading: Interviews with Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace. Yes, partially due to the fact that John Krasinski (aka, Jim from The Office) is adapting the book to film. Jeezy Chreezy. Good luck with that, pal. And yes, I kind of want to marry John Krasinski, in case you were wondering.

Four: I’ve also rediscovered emulation. Such as: E.V.O. As well as an internet game or two that are basically crack. I guess I’m in that stage where I need to play anything that will allow me to level up for a million hours. Aaaah, mindless leveling.

So, everyone have a very Patrick Swayze Christmas!

Contemplating Movable Type…Again

listening to: cibo matto – le pain perdu

Man. Turns out you can’t edit the code for labels under the Classic Template setting. Which is completely lame, especially because I suspect that means I won’t be able to edit it unless I change my template over to the new widget type thing. Which…yeah. I’m not doing. I love my layout. I may never change it.

The thing I liked about Blogger before was that it was 100% customizable, regardless of whether you were using a Blogger generated template or one you made yourself. While this new widget layout-editing thing is cool, it is not do-it-yourself the way I’m used to. And so I’m once again contemplating Moveable Type more than is healthy for a person who doesn’t know how to program MYSQL or even just figure out ftp crap. Hmm.

Last night was fun. But strange. But fun.

Basically, there was a party/get-together with people that I knew from high school, junior high, and even one person I knew from as far back as Kindergarten. And…that’s not weird, or anything. Except for the part where it definitely is. Especially when the people you thought hated your guts in junior high turned out to not have hated your guts, and actually be really cool people at the current time. Makes you think. About how ridiculous and how much of a jerk you and every other person in your middle school were when you were between the ages of 12 and 14.

But anyway. Stuff. Party-thing was fun.

A Directory Comprimise

listening to: portishead – it could be sweet

Okay. Fine. I’ll comprimise.

I have archives again. But that doesn’t mean I’m all too pleased. I had to trash the “archives” folder on my ftp directory, and now there are 40-some-odd archive files just sitting on the main directory. Woohoo. I think something must have been wrong with the archive code in my template, after the switch. It seems the Blogger Code I was getting to know is no more. No better time than the present to get to know the new system. Except I’m lazy and don’t WANT to learn the new system. All I really want to do is move the “labels” links. And I can’t. WHERE IS THE CODE TO MOVE THE LABELS LINKS?!

So, I went to the dentist yesterday. And it is now officially impossible for me to have my teeth cleaned without me sitting there, thinking of the time when I was five and threw up on my dentist. And then I need to restrain myself from laughing and making my hygienist ask if she hurt me. Which usually results in my laughing even more. It’s strange. They must think I’m really strange.

But anyway. Since I had my wisdom teeth out last year, my bite and the spacing of my teeth has gotten particularly more weird. I’ve never liked the space between my two front teeth, but I decided when I was about fourteen and they said I could always have braces to wait until I was older, at which point it would be more likely to shift or close up. But since it’s gotten worse?? And my bottom teeth are crowding more than ever. And this weird cross-bite thing. Yaai. I don’t know. They okayed my using the Invisalign treatment. I might do it. It just seems a little….self-centered to me? Narcissistic?

Awesome. This is one of the awesome (and by “awesome” I really mean “skewed”) things about me. That over the years, I have worked myself up to feel like it’s a selfish thing to worry over and put too much effort into appearance. Especially as a girl. And while it’s probably a good thing that I’m not throwing large sums of money at people and things for the sake of my appearance, it’s probably okay to want to fix one’s bite, for the sake of hygiene and comfort and…jaw-crunching noises. Have I mentioned those?

Enough about my teeth.

Notice how I didn’t ramble about The Office in this entry.

Sucks.

I hate…everything!

No. No, I don’t.

I really just hate my archives. They’re there. But all monthly archive links direct to the WRONG FREAKIN’ URL. And I’ve tried screwing around with the Blogger ftp settings and nothing changes.

And I’ve watched all of The Office, so where do I go now? Fanfiction? NO. NO NO NO NEVER NO. No.

I’m also kind of vaguely mad at myself for being stupid and overly-expectant.

What else is new?

In Two Parts…

listening to: r.e.m. – auctioneer (another engine)

random amusing quotes: “I told my mom you broke your ankle.”
“Oh, great. Did she tell you that I must be allergic to something?”

“So yeah, I officially have a cross-bite. And my front teeth are shifting”
“I knew you never ate enough vegetables when you were a kid…”

Yeah. That second one? I yelled at my Mom after she said that, and she laughed and said she was “just kidding.” Thanks, Mom.

Part 1: New Blogger

It ate my archives!!! Okay, not exactly. They’re still all on my dashboard, so they’re not completely lost or anything. But something with the ftp must have gone crazy during the switch because…yeah. Archives are nonexistent. Playing with ftp settings will commence…sometime. Because I know you care.

End of Part 1, Intermission: I have a weird cross-bite. And my teeth are just generally shifting in weird ways. Supposedly I’m going to have all this fixed. Amazing.

End of Intermission, Part 2: Fangirling *SPOILER ALERT*

The Office. This is all Joe’s fault.

Okay. I have to talk about the Jim/Pam factor. At least a little.

I agree with everything Renata says about The Office in the last comment! All of them! Except…while I do like Karen (more than I usually do other rivals in junk I watch), and I think it’s cool that she and Pam actually got to have some fun moments of snark and plotting and junk, I am all for Pam/Jim.

I’m not even sure what makes them so much more fangirl-able to me than other pairings I’ve been enthused about. Josh and Donna from The West Wing I was pretty crazy over. And it only took them SEVEN SEASONS. Grah. I think one big difference between the romantic elements on this show and those on The West Wing (and others like The X-Files, if you were into the Mulder/Scully ship, which I guess I was) is that while both the pairs have an obvious chemistry together, the Pam/Jim dynamic seems to have been a big dynamic from the very beginning, and not added in later by the writers as an unplanned thing. And stuff has actually happened between Pam and Jim! It wasn’t like there was romantic tension added…and added…and added. It seems like it actually went somewhere, and I really like the point in the timeline where the something happened.

Additionally, I really like the new conflicting stuff happening in the third season. I mean, of course it’s annoying. And of course it was bleak at first. But things are obviously headed somewhere at some speed. I think the conflicts were well-done, well-introduced, believable. Not just a random new person who is added for the soul and immediate purpose of wreaking havoc (Hi, I come from the land of manga for 14-year-old girls. Believable conflicts are a novelty to me). And for some reason it also helps that I actually kind of like the conflicting person (Karen)!! Maybe this makes me less of an angry fangirl than normal. Who knows?

I also like the fact that the Jim/Pam factor is built on their friendship, and all the little fun or insane things that have happened to them as co-workers. Their relationship isn’t obviously based on their index of hotness. Or sad loneliness (sad face goes here). Or hate-turned-love. I really like that they were good friends first. That seems to be pretty consistent with my favorite pairings. I mean, in TV. Not manga (now that I think about it, most manga romances tend to be based off of BOTH the hate-turned-love and the hot factor. Hmm). I also just really like them.

But anyway.

Bottom Line: Ridiculous! But who cares?! SO GOOD!

No Freaking Way

listening to: crash test dummies – two knights and maidens

Whoa! Blogger finally let me switch over to Beta not Old Blogger. Or supposedly. I’m suspicious. Is this for real? *shifty eyes*

I Hope They End Up Together…At The Bottom Of A Well Torn Apart By Animals!

listening to: µziq – intellitag

Oooh God.

Happy belated birthday to JaMeg!! I tried to post a happy birthday message at various points during the day yesterday, but as is not wholly unexpected, Blogger hates life.

Hi. I’m really tired. And I’m home. AND I’M FANGIRLY GOD DAMMIT!

This is basically Joe’s fault. For making a few of us watch The Office (U.S version) the other night. And…well…turns out it’s basically available on the web in it’s entirety. Which is great for those of us who have no life *raises hand* And have a tendency to like…awesome pairings *raises hand* I mean, and also wit. And ridiculousness.

So anyway. I can’t remember the last time I had a TV obsession quite like this. MST3k doesn’t count, as it’s not possible to watch more than two episodes back-to-back without wanting to ram your head into a wall. MST3k is in fact hilarious. But in essence, you are watching a B movie every time you watch an episode of the show. And there is most certainly an underlying element of pain in that.

But THe Office? Man. I hated it the first time I saw it, because I hate the kind of humor which is people being offensive ass-hats and watching other people hate them. But there’s so much more to it than that! There’s the weirdness of Dwight! And Pam/Jim! And just…Jim! And the general absurdity. And I’m rambling because I’m tired.

Well, long story short, all I’ve been doing in the last two days is watching the Office and folding laundry and making other people watch The Office and also running some and then maybe practicing. I love not having to think about Baroque music.

Did Not Fail At Life This Semester!

listening to: pizzicato five – la guerre est finnie

I came back from my lesson just a few minutes ago to find a yellow manila envelope in my mailbox, scribbled in loopy handwriting with no return address. I was so perplexed that I opened it before I even got into my apartment to find that it was — MY PAPER!!!!!!

And I stepped inside and leafed through the pages, which had pretty much no marks on it. So then I finally found the last page of the actual paper, which was sandwiched between the first 8 pages and the last three pages of works cited and examples. And it said “good work: A”.

A!!

I GOT AN A!!

On the paper.

I did not get an A on the exam. Which was fine with me, because that exam was of Satan himself. And also, keep in mind that before the exam, I was basically just working on the paper. Not really studying for or thinking about the exam.

I am just truly massively seriously relived that I got an A on the freaking paper. Especially because I never really checked with the professor about my topic or my sources or anything, as was suggested. And also kept realizing that I needed more material as I was working on it. Yep. Procrastination is great.

But let me just take a minute to point out that I’m getting better. Much much better. To seriously work on a 10-page paper for a whole week before it’s due? I could do better still, yes. But hell, I could do a lot worse, too. *thinks of paper for Keeril’s class, and American Judaism paper*

Also keep in mind that I don’t write many papers.

Hey, in other things, I don’t hate Schumann. And I almost like playing Schumann. And I almost sound good! Yay!

Stabbity Stab!

listening to: camper van beethoven – (i was born in a) laundromat

Dear Blogger: stop telling me I’m eligible to switch to Beta if I’m REALLY NOT.

Aaaaah. I am pretty sure that ten hours of sleep can remedy almost anything. I actually went to bed by around 10:30 last night. I can’t remember the last time I did that.

And then I had a lesson. As I also have tomorrow. And stuff.

Nothing too terribly interesting. Just a filler entry.

Tis The Season To Be Setting People On FIRE

AAAAAAAAAAAAH I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE (in the non-academic sense).

I’m just doing my freakin’ thing. So leave me alone. *grunt*

*transform*

Gig was probably not worth the trouble, as just spent all of 24 hours away from school, floating in suburb-land. But I feel good to have provided um…appealing cello notes to somebody. Ugh.

Things: Professor Taylor is on Facebook. I derive immense satisfaction from knowing this.

Speak of the devil, Max-Msp final project meeting approaching shortly.

What’s In It For You? PAIN.

listening to: they might be giants – fingertips

God dammit, Talia. When will you learn?

Perhaps I should think of today is the technical last day of this very hellish semester, instead of yesterday. After that I will get my freaking morning to sleep in and day to practice freely.

Madness

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

You know, who the hell cares if I don’t get an A? I’ve gotten non-A’s in other class that were less deserving of non-A’s (what? I’m tired. leave me alone).

Actually, the grade is not the real issue. So I’m changing that statement: Who the hell cares if I get on the professor’s vengeful side? I’ve only ever seen him for this class. It just doesn’t matter.

So here I go. To put an end to this madness.

From Grainger

*headdesk*

asdf;lkjssaf I can’t take this any more. The hours until the exam (six). The rhetorical things. The fatigue. The psychological TORTURE that will forevermore be associated with this class.

I would mostly like to thank the professor for making the papers due THE DAY BEFORE the exam.

I think it would be hilarious if I got some extensive question on the exam that has to do with what I wrote about in my paper, and I answered it incorrectly. That is exactly something that I could see happening, too.

Ugh. I need to leave the library. Maybe I’ll just go to bed and wing it in six hours.

Except…must…finish…listening!

Can’t Blog Real Entry. Must Conserve Brain Power.

All I really want to say right now:

I love my teacher!

I will return to being online/responding to email tomorrow. At some point. I really just didn’t want to have distractions/people I might be capable of whining at.

ASDFZ;LKJWER HATE BLOGGER (see last part).

Also hate Baroque history.

Off to Grainger. Where I will proceed to do that thing where I turn off the “clock” feature off on my computer so I don’t have to think about what hour it might be. And cry study.

Caffeine Equals Random Update

listening to: r.e.m. – swan swan h

Break-time.

Good Things:
-Concert Friday was awesome. I did NOT have to run off-stage and vomit! Yay! But I was worrying about the panic attack thing through the first half, and I realized that I am capable of making myself very physically nervous, all on my own. Fortunately, being fairly physically nervous was all that happened and I was COMPLETELY over it by the second half. This is a good thing.
-My paper. I think. Mostly.
-I made Colin watch MST3k tonight, as a paper/studying breather. I would have called the viewing a success! It’s always interesting to watch to watch MST3k with so many different people, just because there’s such a weird variety of humor. I enjoy gauging other peoples’ reactions to things. Wahaha.
-The semester is so close to finished that I can taste it.

Frustrating things:
-Cello smells like ashtray after bar gig Friday night. Am not sure if the gig was worth the cello scent.
-Missed Schleicher’s Xmas party. AGAIN.
-Came back from bar gig to find that SOMEBODY HAD STOLEN MY FUCKING PARKING SPACE. Somebody who LIVES here. FYI, there have been two extra cars here permanently from the beginning of the year. And a third as of three weeks ago. Maybe I’m PMSing, but I’m going to call the landlord tomorrow. Kyra and I agree that this is ridiculous.
-Blogger keeps telling me I’m eligible to transfer my blog to Beta, but when I click the link, it then tells me I can’t yet because my blog is too large.
-The passing of my uncle Jim. Just saying this, the age differences in my family are strange.

As for the paper, it seems to be going mostly well, though I wish I could have started heavy-duty work for it about a week earlier. Generally, though, I’m proud of the work I’ve done. Too bad the paper is only worth 15% of my grade while the exam on Tuesday is worth 35%, being as I’ve studied all of an hour for that thing and…well…shit.

In any case, my hope is to have my paper finished by before noon tomorrow so I can go see Max-MSP’s creator, Miller Puckette, speak at Siebel. And then have a lesson. And then take advantage of Grainger’s 24/7 hours, because…well…shit.

I Didn’t Even Touch You

listening to: pizzicato five – baby love child

My offering: Baby Love Child

It’s sick how much I like this song. Some may recall that it was used briefly in an episode of Futurama. Also, the “attention adults” bit is actually from a promo for The Beatles’ movie Help.

Bonus offering: Rolls Royce

So…in other things: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m okay.

So, practicing?! Who needs that? Certainly not I. Seriously. I think I’m doing about an hour a day as of Tuesday. And I don’t care.

And stressing!! I don’t need any of that, either. At least for today. Tomorrow I may change my mind and freak out some more about this paper/exam, but for today, I am going to take it easy and play Mahjong (I hate it because I love it) and play a concert and a gig.

About that gig: it’s a string quartet gig which is quite seriously a CYSO freakin’ reunion. Rebecca and Allie are playing, plus a violinist who was in CYSO before our time. That’s crazy.

Also: what the fuck is wrong with Lindsay Lohan and why do I love GoFugYourself so much??

So, in comment responses…

Eric: Some people LIKED my Audi story. And…leave your name next time. Geez. How did I know it was you? Because you can’t spell.

Kerry: Touch! I didn’t even touch you.

To The Sounds Of Library Happenings

Wow. Giovanni Maria Artusi was a BASTARD. But so was Bottrigari (who was jealous of Artusi’s scholarly success?).

So basically, when Italian music theorists in the late 16th century were feuding with each other, they wrote opposing theoretical texts and dropped sarcastic but passive-aggressive hints at one another and maybe had each other’s quarters searched for evidence of plagiarism? Awesome. Someone should write a fiction novel about this. And it’s not going to be me.

That’s When The Party Started

listening to: dismemberment plan – tonight we mean it

random amusing quotes: “You look nice today. Crazy. But nice.”

Here is a completely random story involving my sister’s old ’88 Audi. First I will say that this car…this car would not die. Random shit was falling off of it and out from under it and there were noises and warning lights abound, but would it ever stop running? Nooo. Well anyway. At some point in the last year of its being with us, the driver door lock stopped functioning and would basically never open, requiring the driver to climb in through the passenger-side door. At some point my mother had driven the car to the grocery story, and had just loaded up her groceries and had climbed into the car, when the PASSENGER-SIDE door of the car wouldn’t CLOSE! And no amount of pulling or slamming would change this. So my Mom had to call my Dad, who came to the parking-lot, and DUCT-TAPED the door shut. They then proceeded home. True story.

I could go on for days with ridiculous car-stories. Lucky for readers that will not happen on this night.

My plan for tonight basically involves skipping various campus libraries as they close for the night. Actually, just the Music (close at 10pm) and Engineering (close at 3pm) libraries. Sweet. I have to get this paper cooking. So far I have 1.5 pages written, but it took me what felt like forever to write even that much.

Kerry: Best. Comment. Ever. And huzzah! I’m glad to hear you’re coming! We will not disappoint. Well, maybe we will. But hopefully not. I also second that we should really stop kissing.

So begins the experiment in very very little sleep.

An Existence Without Anxiety Is A Physically Unwell One

listening to: maritime – human beings

I feel somewhat like crap. This would be the complete worst time to get sick. Ever. Please, body, work with me. The random fatigue and chills and desire to no longer try are foreboding. Then again, maybe it’s just the end of the semester getting to me.

Paper progress is nonexistent. In terms of pages written, anyway. Reading and outlining is kind of happening, though. And I guess that’s what counts right now. In some ways I don’t like the topic I chose, for it being something so general and already important to know about part of Baroque music history (shift into seconda pratica from prima pratica). But in other ways, this is a very good topic, especially considering the fact that the text we’ve used doesn’t connect the major parts of the change. There’s sort of information scattered about Zarlino and Monteverdi, and a moderate chunks talking about seconda pratica. That gives me some direction, the idea that I am going to be simplifying and bringing all this scattered information together.

And stuff. Nobody has to care about the above.

I was also kind of cranky and bitchy today. Specifically in quartet. Actually, I was mostly just a little impatient. Shame on me. Then again, this week seems to be bringing out the crazy in a lot of people, not only me. I think we were all a little cranky and bitchy.

But it’s so easy to get stuck on little things and not see the big picture. And a lot of the time, understanding the big picture can actually solve the little problems, too. I want to find a better way of saying that so people will pause for a second or maybe even two to listen. That is not a passive-aggressive statement towards anyone. Just a general statement to life and everyone and me, too.

Also, I’m feeling interestingly apathetic. I mean, not even apathy the way I normally see it (ie, “the world could end and I wouldn’t care”). More like…it’s the opposite feeling of what I normally experience — being super conscious and worried about other people and what they think of things and what they think of me and if I’m doing my part to contribute to the well-being of others. Now I’m just…doing my thing. And I don’t think I really care who I bother or about upholding my grossly high expectations for myself. Basically, I am lacking in social anxiety! This is why I suspect I might be getting sick. Which is completely ridiculous. But also kind of feasible.

I’ve also kind of been thinking about one-sided friendships, after having a sort of frustrating conversation about them. That’s somewhat irrelevant. Shut up.

Okay. To the library. I’m dressing in like 20 layers just for the journey. Freaking chills.

*edit* And the fact that I can’t type. That also leads me to suspect that I’m sick. … Okay, who am I kidding. No it doesn’t.

To The [Ida Know]!

So…noteworthy things:

1) The alarm in my car is um…functional. And also loud. Eeeyep.

2) I am playing gigs for this guy in Champaign this Friday and Chicago next Wednesday. Fun, I think?

3) I bought Clementines!

4) I made a fairly large group of people watch MST3k over the weekend. They enjoyed it. I feel my life has some value because of this.

5) UISO CONCERT FRIDAY 7:30, DVORAK NEW WORLD SYMPHONY, SCHMITT, CORIGLIANO. BE THERE OR I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE. At least be there to see Joe and I keep it real. P.S. I will have 8-million comp tickets.

Okay, I haven’t written two pages of this paper yet. But here I am, anyway. What I DID do was finally decide on a subject for said paper, and start reading/outlining/etc. I hate writing papers, and I’m determined not to let the same thing happen to me that always does with papers. Being either I will wait until the NIGHT BEFORE and cry and suffer, or be gone in Germany for a week and forget about a paper over some book I’ve never read and only acquired 20 minutes previously, until 1am the night before it’s due, and then freak out a lot. Sidenote: I got a B on that paper. How awesome am I?

That is all. To the library!

Setting Goals, Evacuating Buildings

listening to: voltaire – dunce

Mrph.

I would like to note that I have actually been social this weekend. I mean, moreso than just hanging out with one, or maybe two people for one night. This is notable because: I hate people I don’t normally like large groups of people, and was in fact worried that after this summer, I had lost every ounce of ability to be pleasant and social with those large groups. But not so! Apparently I’m okay.

Seriously. Any normal person reading this is going “good god, what is wrong with you?” But try to understand that I have just never been a social person, and I’ve had some great anti-social influences in my life (mother, nerdy heroes in books, occasional friends). And also that I am an introvert in the first place (even if I’m a loud one). I am happy that I am currently able to function around people, in all kinds of situations.

I might have even stayed out ridiculously late, had there not been the fumes in my apartment to tend to.

Not kidding.

I’m an idiot. I mean, it’s not my fault. The warning label on the weather-stripping caulk warned that there would be strong fumes. But the living-room is not blocked off from the kitchen, exactly, and my oven/gas stove is always a little warm. But when the vapors from the caulk meet the gas? HOLY SHIT. It smells like a really volatile sort of glue being BURNT times about 40. But the scariest part was that the smell seemed to be COMING FROM THE OVEN. So there was a good 20 minute where I was convinced my oven was malfunctioning and I’d have to find somewhere else to stay for the night and worry about calling the emergency repair people and general mayhem. But no! My mother set me straight. As it turns out, the barely irritable scent from the caulk agitates the gas, a lot. And thus what happened. And after turning on every fan possible and opening up the back kitchen door and freezing my behind off, things were much better. Today it is fine. But you have been warned. Weather-stripping caulk plus even the smallest amounts of natural gas. Bad.

But hey! My apartment is maintaining a temperature! Which is amazing, if you ever felt what it was like last year during the first cold-spell. You would have cried. I did. And now I can walk around without wearing 8 layers! So I guess that hour where I thought I was about to blow up or poison everyone in the building was worth something.

Sigh. The cold. I have resigned to running at the campus rec center. I hate running indoors, and I hate gyms, but I am determined not to let the same thing happen this year that seems to every other year, which is I run like crazy until the cold and then I have to start all over come spring.

I guess in ways it’s actually alright to run at the gym. I am more motived by all the working/running people around me. But then again, people are also the problem. The ones who take up all three lanes of the track between two of them. The insanely tall guys whose legs to up to my waist who pass me. The insanely tall guys whose legs go up to my leg who DON’T pass me. The occasionally crap music. The fact that I occasionally see two prominent music faculty there and it’s distracting.

Actually I don’t care. I guess I’m just happy that I can run in the first place. We’ll see how that goes later this week. Hooooboy.

Okay. By the time I write any other sort of entry, I must have at least two pages of this paper written. MUST. Must. Absolutely.