listening to: brian eno – mother whale eyeless
In the following entry I am going to self-rationalize two things.
One: I have to admit that I am starting to feel a little bit guilty for not even having considered going back to YOA after being re-invited last month. Especially upon talking to friends from the tour who have not yet heard about being re-invited, and want very much to go back. But…why should I feel bad? Okay. Here is my statement on the matter: while I do not want to go back this year, it is completely understandable that a lot of people do, especially some of the older students who may not be as spoiled as I am by still having parents to support them. My mother told me that if she were an older student and had an automatic re-invite, she would definitely agree to go. So, good for those people who were re-invited and want to go back. However, in my instance, I am a year short of auditioning for grad school. I like other things besides orchestra. And for the love of god, I need to practice. I don’t think I practiced once during the entire tour. Not once! Unless you count right before the seating auditions on the second day. Four weeks is a long time to not practice of have teacherly guidance on a personal basis. Seven weeks (next year’s tour) is even longer! I really want to work with a teacher. And practice. And play chamber music!!!! Really. Thinking about it now, I can see myself re-auditioning for YOA in maybe…three years. But for the moment, I think I need something different for this year. Also, I just want to mention that because I am a tight-ass, the organization drove me nuts, and I don’t think I can deal with that again so soon. Brrrrrr!
Alright. That’s great. Something else I want to bring up is: why do some people get re-invites and others don’t?! There is no logical way that one’s being re-invited could be based on seating. That doesn’t make sense and it isn’t right and from what I understand, I don’t think that’s how it works. And what else would they do, base re-invites on public behavior or punctuality or what?! It doesn’t make sense, and I seriously honestly truly feel that it’s unfair that some people are being re-invited and others aren’t and nobody knows what qualifies said re-invite. Re-invites also make people with guilt complexes (hi there!) feel bad for receiving said re-invite, regardless of whether they accept the invitation or not. Otherwise this rationalization wouldn’t even be here. It just…makes me kind of angry! Auditions make things FAIR! I mean, in theory, they do.
And so I am not going back to YOA and I hope the people who want/need to go back end up able to do so. Good luck to everyone.
Two: I have recently been overcome by a wave of self-doubt. As in, automatically assuming that people think I’m an idiot upon face-to-face and electronic encounter, and being super-conscious of even the most vague and fleeting amount of interaction. I think the bottom line is that I think too much about what other people think. That feeling is generally omnipresent in me to some extent, but more so in the past four or five days for some reason I can’t pinpoint. I had the longest phone conversation in the history of phone conversations with Rachel a couple nights ago (for the record, hour-long fits of laughter don’t count as conversations, I’m referring to that one time), and her parting words to me were never to apologize for calling or “bothering her” and to stop verbally abusing myself with self-doubt and assuming that nobody would want to talk to me because of all my “faults.” She mentioned that other people are usually worried about what they’re saying as well, and to keep that in mind while talking to those other people and not to think that I’m the helpless idiot. And actually, this reminds me of something I read in Brief Interviews With Hideous Men in the chapter [The Depressed Person], about how the Depressed Person always had to demean her situation and apologize for being as pathetic as she was to her core support peers, so that she could make clear how she was aware that she was being a whiny and a bother, and that she wasn’t trying to do so on purpose. Which…is…holy crap. Exactly what I do. And it’s pretty ridiculous. There is no reason for me to do this. Ever. It’s not being polite. It’s being ridiculous.
But for me it’s with just regular speaking in front of people. If I ever wander off-topic from a story or can’t seem to get words out (which…well…it happens), I usually become flustered and give up or apologize to people for being a poor speaker. I suspect that if I can actually work through my wandering or stuttering or whatever the heck it is I do, I could actually get my point across and keep going and not have to demean myself in the process. And I also realize that what doesn’t help is when my friends make fun of me. The funny thing is that I never mind when my friends make fun of me. It’s amusing to me as well. But when people generalize my character in front me, I tend to adapt those generalizations in my head because…well…I’m only human. And stuff.
It’s also interesting to look back at all my past social failures in history (junior high school, summer festivals, amidst extended family members) and see how the minute little things were the ones that brought me down to being a self-deprecating ass.
So maybe that’s my uh “resolution” for ’07. To not judge and demoralize myself the way I think others do. I could be a much happier person that way. And also probably help to bring down my level of anxiety. Woo. Wouldn’t that be awesome.
Unexpected Three: I shouldn’t have to feel bad for not playing gigs that aren’t worth my time. Haven’t I been through this already?