Out Of Context

listening to: shiina ringo – souretsu

I’m feeling weirdly alienated. One of those moments where I realize how different I am from some people. Not all people, of course. It’s more the circumstance where I try to understand somebody and find that they are almost completely out of my context. This feeling is complicated even more when it is about somebody you thought you knew well, or were maybe even good friends with.

Or maybe this has to do with the however-many pages of documentation for MAX MSP I just tried to swallow. Heh, speaking of feeling out of context…

I’m going to counter this feeling by listening to Shiina Ringo loudly, and maybe reading more Heinlein. Did I ever mention I’m reading Heinlein, again? First of all, it’s notable that I’m reading in the first place. I don’t think I’ve even tried doing that since some point early in July.

Actually, no. Crap. I’m going to go have the optional meeting with Schleicher about my audition. Augh. I basically guilted myself into that one. And I’m sure it will be helpful in some way. It’s just that I don’t feel like reliving what happened in that room. And you know…it might make it a degree or two more embarassing in that I have a lot of respect for Schleicher, and would prefer that he not get the impression that I was slacking in the preparation department…asd;flkj!

Shutting up now. Going to go face bad audition upfront and then distract self.

S-S-S-Something From The Comments

listening to: maritime – german engineering

Little duckies! In Peoria! That is awesome. And maybe ridiculously cute.

Today almost sucked. But conducting seminar was a no-go for the string players, so I took a nap and then managed to be mostly energetic for the rest of the playing-day. Woohoo. Yeah. Wednesdays. Conducting seminar and orchestra, I’m used to, in terms of hours in a row of playing. But studio-class at 5:30?! When orchestra finishes at 5?! I furrow my brow at that.

In other things, go orchestra! I really like our section. And I am basically obsessing over Stravinsky again. So it works. Apparently the first bassoonist in the Rite of Spring plays the same model Fox as my Dad. And he sold it to her. I love that I have a random connection with all bassoonists here, if only because my Dad sold them (or offered to sell them) a bassoon.

I talked to Michelle tonight. I was reminded that I have a right to be pissed at people, and I shouldn’t be quite so forgiving. This relates to an earlier post where I mentioned that I really don’t have room in my life for people who I put emotional energy into but don’t give a shit about me. Even more on this some other time.

Actually, I only kind of talked to Michelle tonight. Because my phone was spending too much time basking in its own suckitude. Durrr. I think another trip to the Cingular store is in order, this weekend.

In other things, here are some responses to various comments left over the course of the last few days…

Jamie: Uhm. Tuh. Uh…I think I’ll let you wait to send them until a few more chapters have accumulated. And…Yoshioka Anri?! Cool. I honestly can’t remember any of that first chapter you gave me to read, just because I’ve been obsessing too much over figuring out details to the other side-stories in that last volume since then. Hoooooly crap. And I left the chapter at home. But can you guess what I DIDN’T leave at home? Can you?! Heh. Not saying.

K-$: And just where in Sam Hill have YOU been?! Yeah. It’s one of those ceiling-lamps. The problem is that it seems reluctant to unscrew. That and my ceilings are pretty high. So we’ll see. I’m bringing a step-ladder home after this weekend. And if not that, then I’ll bother a tall male friend, or something. Yeah. Woe unto us.

Colin: Whoa. I have that album. And I know that song. And it really is an unbelievable sort of song. And…my god. You must be one of two people I’ve met who has even heard of Towa Tei. That completely makes my day.

Renata: Thaaaaaanks! And it’s okay. I’m bad with people’s birthdays. And everyone always goes back to school on my birthday. And, see? It’s only taken me about a week to respond to your comment, anyway.

Awesome Title Here

listening to: stereolab – kyberneticka babicka pt 1.

I am frustrated for the following reasons.

1) I can’t figure out how to unscrew the ceiling lamp. But I need to change TWO lightbulbs. Frustrating, is it NOT?!

2) I am procrastinating. But I can’t afford to do that. And earlier I was actually being super-productive. I guess I should just be thankful for that work I managed to get done earlier. Thank you, higher power that somehow ended up making me do work.

3) I’m a jerk. I don’t mean to be, really. In fact, I try my hardest to be anti-jerk. It’s just that…sometimes people bother me. I mean, duh. I’m an introverted weird person. Of course people bother me. But in this particular instance, I was on the way to philosophizing myself out of kind of a rut (said rut is me being hard on myself for: not practicing enough, not having the concentration to accomplish things, not living up to my regular standards of playing. It seems I’m not quite out of my post-summer blahs yet, or something. And my fingers are just stupid, which is always a problem). So I’m trying to convince myself that I’m doing my best and I just need to be patient and get rest and not stress myself out, when somebody else comes along and dumps their stress on to me. And then I turn into kind of an icy bitch — because that’s what I do when I just want to be left alone. And that is apparently why people think I am evil and don’t like them. It’s not true. I’M JUST A MISANTHROPE, sometimes. Really! I promise! I’m nice!

So anyway. There’s that.

Oh, and also 4) I still can’t seem to muster the energy to practice much. I think I put in about half of my typical daily minimum today, if you want to be technical about it. I mean, it’s getting better. And it actually was super-productive practicing. So…hah. But still. I have a lesson tomorrow.

Aaaaah, I just want to be normal again.

Oh well.

The Max MSP class is a little too humorous to me. I may in fact need a life. I think I very nearly awkwarded myself to death today, though. Me speaking into a mic that will greatly distort whatever goes into it? Bad idea. So I let other people do it for me.

Hmmm. I’m not really familiar with any other forms of computer programming language aside from html, css, and a very scant bit of C++ (very very scant), but Max MSP makes me think of css, except with boxes and lines and commands instead of attributes. Perhaps that’s actually a good thing to realize, because at this moment in time, the full audio patches seem so complicated to me. But then I think if I just sit my rear end down, (heh) apply myself and mess with the thing, I’ll feel less…intimidated? Or something. I don’t know.

Stuff. I’m tired. I should just give up on crap and go to bed. Crap, I say!


What the– I just found a cover of “My Sharona” done by Buffalo Daughter and Towa Tei. The world is a confusing place. But…I kind of like it. Shh. Don’t tell.

A Blurb About The Hot Seat

listening to: stereolab – soop groove #1

Aaaah, my phone is dead again. Sort of. I think a trip to the Cingular store is in order, later tonight.

Oh man. I have had my energy sucked, or something. I practiced for approximately 40 minutes this morning before I felt ex-haausted. I believe that’s a bad sign. Man. And I thought Thursday was just an “off day.” At this moment in time, I hate the whole 95% of the population that has already been infected with the Epstein-fricking-Barr virus, whether they know it or not. I’m saying it again here: mono sucks. I need to go to bed as early as possible tonight.

So, that having been said, I would do a dance if I weren’t so damn tired, because I’m not sitting first for this concert (or maybe ANY concert. who knows)! I’m happy about this, you ask? After last year? Let’s just say I don’t think I would actually be able to physically make it through sight-reading the Rite of Spring this afternoon for our first rehearsal, sitting principal. Honestly, I loved sitting first. It was one hell of an experience, in terms of learning about leadership, orchestral playing and really learning to love orchestra experience on a whole. But between last year and the 3 hellish days of Pagliacci over the summer, I’m ready for something of an extended break in which all I really need to worry over is my actual technical playing, and my health. Aheh, and of course schoolwork.

Because…well, again, I loved leading, and I really hope to do it again. But there was something about last year. Me being paranoid and worrying that I’m not doing a good enough job for the other section-leaders. For the director. For my section. Worrying that the people in my section think I’m an idiot. Worrying about SECTIONALS and how to keep people from actually physically attacking eachother at one point. Considering hiring a bodyguard (I’m so serious). I think that this summer actually toughened me a bit, and helped me to become a quick thinker and more proficient at dealing with problems (bowings, sound, etc). I’m sure I would be a little less stressed knowing what I know now, having to lead.

But you know what? I feel like crap. Sure, it’s mono. But it was also the summer. I was sort of run ragged in terms of playing. It didn’t help that I didn’t sit down to practice technique for over 4 weeks, on the side.

But aside from that, I love sitting in the middle. Or in the back (awoo)! You know, I just love orchestra. It doesn’t matter where I sit.

My only concern in having had a fairly spaz-tacular audition, is what the director thinks. I have a lot of respect for him, and I really hope he doesn’t think I’ve blown off my audition-priorities or that I care less than before. Because it’s not like that. It’s like…I audition really well when I feel well-prepared and have the energy. And I was a little bit off-kilter with both those things I suppose. But…this is a typical me-worry. So I will shut my verbal cake-hole and get going to whatever it is I have to do. Oh, right. Sightread Stravinsky. Ahaha. Ah.

New Computer: An Anti-Guilt Statement!

listening to: tori amos – rattlesnakes

Hey. Hey. Blogger. What’s up?

A hootenany! My lesson this morning was quite good. Very reassuring. And energy-building. This year is basically going to rock in terms of repertoire. Also, I’ve really just been…needing my teacher. As a teacher and as a reminder that I have good people looking out for me.

As of now, my recital is going to be all solo/sonata repertoire, no concerto (meaning my OFFICIAL senior recital is going to be next school-year). Ideas for a program include: Beethoven A major sonata; something short, snazzy and 20th century; Piazzolla Le Grand Tango (excuse me while I die a little bit inside); either Debussy, Prokofiev, or Myaskovsky sonata (it’s looking to be that last one). That is going to be one interesting program, if it turns out to be what I suspect. Note: recital is going to be NOT DURING FINALS WEEK. I’ve learned my lesson. Not to go go dabbling in end-of-the-year recitals.

This year is also going to rock in terms of classes. As long as I make sure to get my ass reading.

In other things, I have officially ordered one of these in black. Now I just have to remember not to feel guilty about spending money when I realize it is my own money which I have been saving for a good while, and that I will still have quite a bit left in my savings account hereafter. Actually, the only reason I might start to feel guilty is when things like this occur between myself and my father:

Me (after getting the “do whatever you feel is best” from my Dad): So Erica said that she would take my old computer until she’s ready to get a new one herself. I think it should be good enough for her for now, or at least better than her dying laptop.
Dad: I think it’s good enough for anyone.
Me: …
Me: Uh…right! So…thanks for the approval.

Don’t get the wrong idea about my Dad. He didn’t mean it with any malice or weirdness. His enthusiasm just varies on a day-to-day. And I have a guilt complex in the first place. So there’s that.

But seriously? My computer is NOT good enough for everyone. Me, for instance. Remember how it’s about four years old?? And remember how I have only had the damn thing crash and need an OS reinstallation approximately five times since installing stupid OS 10.4 last October?! And remember how –oh, hey!– they don’t even MAKE this model anymore? I think that according to my own criteria for owning a computer, I am in the market for a new one. Yes, I do.

So I have no right to feel guilty for spending my OWN money for something new and portable and simply AWESOME. Especially when I’m helping out my poor computer-less sister in the process, if only for a temporary time.


Another Q and A

listening to: ampop – made for market

Mmmm, artichokes.

In vaguely Q and A related things (see last post: do steroids make you feel better when you have mono? My answer: ohgodyes. We’re talking specifically if you’re suffering from allergic-reaction type hives), I finally put a Q and A bit back up on the about page. I hope it’s awesome enough. If you have a question to contribute, let me know. I’m not very creative when it comes to these things.

So…yesterday was not that awesome a day. It was the anti-birthday reverse-karma day. At first I started blaming the fact that the first thing I did in the morning when I opened up my case was SMASH MY ROSIN INTO ABOUT 8 SEPERATE PIECES. It’s actually amazing this particular cake of rosin lasted as long as it did. Three years! I usually smash my rosin within 1-2 years of initial acquisition. But three? Wow. Still. The collective suckitude of the day ended up being so great that I started to wonder if maybe rosin is like the mirror with the seven years back luck thing. Except with one day of bad luck instead of seven years (today seems to have been fine).

But then I thought about it, and I don’t think it was the bad luck or rosin or whatever. I think it was me. And my current energy-lacking state.

I’ve been in denial of the fact that I’m sick. I think that was an okay way to deal with things while I was still in Europe, when we were rehearsing and traveling and concert-ing up a storm and I really just NEEDED to tell myself I was fine if I wanted to keep going. But it’s been fairly bizarre since getting back. It’s like…I don’t feel physically bad, and I’m as alert as I’ve ever been (this may not be saying much). I’ve been energetic around my peers and enthusiastic about life in general. But then I try to do things like work out or accomplish crap or even practice and I lose the will to pretty much move.

I’m tired of my energy level being mediochre at best. I miss running and moving not feeling so freaking lethargic all the time. As of today I have reintroduced my body to multivitamins, for the time being. I think light exercise (not hardcore running) might help. I might also want to consider a full night of sleep for a change. Blarn. Mono. Why me? Why now?

End mono rant. My word of advice to everyone: don’t get mono. I mean, technically, 80% of adults have already been infected, even if they never had symptoms. But you other 20%? Watch your backs.

Final statement: artichokes = love.

*edit* Look!!! Look at the ridiculously cute 3 year old that was Neil Gaiman!!!

I’m okay. Really. I promise.

Sucky Auditions

listening to: nirvana – smells like teen spirit

I feel like Nirvana is totally appropriate at this moment in time.

My audition sucked. A lot. I mean, it’s fine. Everyone has sucky auditions. And better here at school than for a job or a serious…thing. If anything, it’s just a good reminder that auditions are rarely consistent, and that sometimes they’re just going to suck, at which point I’ll come home, listen to Nirvana for a while, and then feel better.

Actually, iTunes is on random, so it’s not like I instigated the Nirvana listening.

Yeah. So, whatever. I’ll feel better later.

If anything, I have a few other completely awesome things to look forward to this semester. So yay. I guess. I don’t know.

Stuff and junk.


listening to: cocteau twins – persephone

Oh, Elizabeth Fraser. I wish I knew what in hell you were saying in this song. Or any song, really. Someday I’ll sing and make up my own language, too.

I think this semester is going to be relatively GEEKTACULAR. I am excited, let me tell you.

Seating auditions for cellos are today and asdf;lkj. You know. I’m going to leave all expectations behind. Because…anything could happen (as in, it could really suck). I wish I felt more prepared. I wish I hadn’t been all overwhelmed by the post-YOA anti-practice funk for the last two weeks. But oh well. I’ll do my best. Yeeah, best.

So, remember how I said I was going to get a new Mac laptop next winter after the next MacWorld? I’m reconsidering, and thinking I might just get it now. Because I’m impatient. And it would be useful to have something more capable for MAX/404. And my sister and I were talking about computer-dealings. And…stuff.

We’ll see. It’s money out of my own pocket, so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about asking my parents to help out. Aaaah, gig money.

Damn. I need to go practice. DAMN.

You’re Older Than You’ve Ever Been And Now You’re Even Older

listening to: buffalo daughter – cyclic

Alright. It’s officially no longer my birthday. So I can stop over-indulging in things and get on with my life (I’m talking things like chocolate. It’s been like some kind of continuous chocolate-fest since I’ve been back from Europe. Or eating-fest. I don’t know if it has anything to do with having been sick or having been malnourished through a good ten days of the tour, but I have been hungry like 70% of the time that I’m awake. It’s like…I’ll eat a reasonably-sized lunch and then be hungry again in 30 minutes time. And yet I haven’t been feeling gross or ridiculously full, ever, until the last couple of days. A return to normalcy. Um…woo, tangent). I have to be honest that the last couple weeks of running has basically been half-assed. I’m attributing this mostly to mono. It’s just…I’ll get to around 2 miles and then my body basically stops and says “no.” This leads to a lot of starting-stopping and me getting fairly frustrated. So I decided to just…quit, until next week, and try to start anew. I feel like I’ve been beating a dead horse, and it’s only taken me about 15 years to understand that I can’t do that with cello. It might be safe to assume that it’s the same with other things. Like running. So anyway. Running. And I need to drink more water. Mostly, I feel like my body just needs a while of wholesomeness. Instead of chocolate and eating whatever because it’s the only pleasurable thing to do while one is sick in Europe. Hrm.

Yes, yes. All things considered (basically just school starting), today was a fabulous birthday. 21! Oh man. I’m getting old(er).

So…I got my new license (finally). And Veeshal came with me to the DMV. For what it turned out was no reason at all. But it was a fun adventure into sketchy-area Champaign. I guess. And then my parents came and took me out for dinner. And it was lovely. Which was followed with Kerry and I gathering, eating cupcakes and watching non-Sidehackers MST3k. And…why is it so good? MST3k, I mean. With Mike, I mean. And the 2nd Crow.

So anyway. Summer partying (or sitting on my rear-end and not practicing because I’m either rehearsing 8+ hours a day or just sick) ends here, on the 24th. Tomorrow I have my Symphony audition. Haay, I’m possibly in trouble. But we’ll see. Auditions never go how I think they will (ie, as badly as I think will, knock on wood).

And so I go to bed.

*edit* Yesterday was also Blogger’s birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BLOGGER. Additionally, it seems that my Computer Music class is Blogger integrated, which is…AWESOME. Except I don’t know if I will ever have the nerve to wear my Blogger T for the duration of the class. It’s easier when other people don’t care/aren’t required to use the same push-button publishing application. Neee.

A Black Hole Of Awesome

listening to: stuart davis – kid mystic

Last night at around 10pm, I made a moderate change to my schedule and switched music history courses, from Music of the Renaissance to Music of the 17th Century. For…well, various reasons. So anyway. I go to class at 9 this morning. And the professor turns out to be in Holland for some sort of crazy conference, but has left his Graduate TA work with us. Or…rather…put a picture of the professor up on the overhead and press the “play” button on the CD player for an entire lecture and syllibus overview recorded by the professor ahead of time. I kid you not. It was reasonably awesome.

I still cannot get over how BAD Sidehackers was. I mean…WHERE DID THE SIDEHACKING GO?! And really…who cares? And…how did I manage to not totally fall asleep?

Uh…I mean…STUFF! Important things!

So…that’s that. No more classes today. No orchestra yet. So cleaning and procurring books and getting a new license (as opposed to thinking I could actually do that before turning 21, THANKS MOM) and practicing my brains out and trying to locate the stupid DVD remote because without it everything is useless and trying to locate Brandon. Brandon! Where are you! I called you because you called me and I didn’t pick up and I want a lesson!

End Inanity.

Don’t Wait Up, I’ll Be Dead!

listening to: maritime – german engineering (I am basically obsessed with this song. For some reason it stuck with me in Berlin, and now it’s that idiotic association thing).

Holy Hell’s Bells. It’s late. And Sidehackers is officially THE worst movie MSTed. Ever. I mean, at least Manos had something to work with. Some…thing. I had to work my How Not To Fall Asleep skills to the extreme, which is riduculous, because it’s MST3k.

But…it’s my birthday! Happy birthday to me!

And the first day of school.

And 2am? What am I doing up?! What the hell is my problem?!

I’m mostly pleased right now. I like being back here. Surprisingly so. And I like knowing that I’m going to have things and work to do. Aaaah, work!

But I’m also very slightly grumpy. I can’t quite say why. Possibly because it’s 2am and I’m up, and…I don’t know. That’s a good enough reason? Also, sometimes I think, and that’s bad. No thinking allowed.

Laaaaate. Go to beeeed.

I’ll report after tomorrow. Because…you know. The obligatory “first day of school post.” And maybe some birthday fun (I GOT A CROCK POT FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM SADLY SO EXCITED BY THIS I COULD DO A DANCE).

It’s 2am and I’m INSAAAANE.

That Was Arwen’s Daddy?!

listening to: r.e.m. – begin the begin

I just had a moment of classic Talia-spazdom when I temporarily convinced myself that just maybe auditions for UISymphony (which I’m PRETTY sure I’m screwed for anyway) were today!!! And then I kind of went “naaah, you idiot. They’re always on Thursday.” But I called Kyra just to be sure. And of course, they’re on Thursday. And you know? I’ve got to stop this.

I’m sightreading with my NEW QUARTET tomorrow! I’m so excited! I mean, I’m going to miss my old quartet terribly. But you know? CHAMBER MUSIC. With Vince? And Tim?? And Joe?!? It’s unbelievable. I’m in a quartet with all boys. Good lord.

I saw V for Vendetta last night. And didn’t waste any time this morning with packing or other such bothersome things and went straight to the Movies in 15 Minutes version. Love it.

And now, back to school. And no auditions ’till Thursday. And birthday on Wednesday (I GOT A CROCK POT!!!!!). And severe Kerry/Talia-ness tonight. And a lot of practicing. Oh shit. I need to practice.


listening to: the go! team – the power is on


I mean, I suppose I could always just go to the next track but…you know.

So…everyone and their mother has uploaded their YOA photos to facebook. I think it’s about bloody freaking time I do the same with mine. Kay-o!

Except it takes forever. And Flickr is easier to use. But whatever.


P.S. for the record, I’ve been playing around with Blogger Beta on a different account (since they haven’t switched mine yet), and I’m actually contemplating keeping the blog to record my random fits of hypochondria. Which is sad. Also, my profile on Beta is hi-freaking-larious.


listening to: r.e.m. – auctioneer (another engine)

What?! Eddie Izzard was on Whose Line Is It Anyway?!?!?! *headpiano*

Dude. Remember how Koucha Ouji ended? And how the ending was somewhat ambiguous and I kept having dreams about how it SHOULD have wrapped itself up? And how Assam’s hair was completely ridiculous? ALL FIXED. For serious. I am pleased.

So…I did some more thinking. But this was super-hardcore productive thinking, which I mostly haven’t been doing recently. And I feel better about a lot of things.

And now I think I’m going to give the “final battle” thing in KHII another go. Even though it’s bound to take me until like THREE IN THE MORNING, OH MY GOD.

A Month Ago Today

listening to: the go! team – the power is on



Again, Flagey.

Brussels, amidst lightning storm. Approximately two minutes before I was hit on by some random Italian person in the street.

Is this nostalgia? Or what? I can’t tell. We played our first concert together a month ago today.

I don’t know.

I feel sort of locationless. Like I don’t know where I should be. Or what I’m doing.

I’ve been thinking lately, though. Which isn’t necessarily good. I’ll report my thinkings here, later. For now, I’ll just say this entry, later half of huge paragraph in middle: it’s still true, moreso than ever.

Aaaaaaaaaah somebody please just jab my eyes out now.

1.5 Weeks Later…

listening to: modest mouse – trucker’s atlas

Um, yeah.

So, Carle Clinic just called our house to tell me my test results for mono were in? And they were positive?? And that I’d just be fatigued for the next couple weeks???

God. I’m really freaking glad I called in and bothered them about that the next day. Or else I’d basically be all “wtf” about that right about now. And feeling ridiculous for assuming I didn’t have mono.

But you know what? I’m not feeling the fatigue so much as the ITCHING. This hives thing is getting a little old.

Man. I meant to get up earlier, but somehow I ended up staying up until 2 trying to play the “final battle” in Kingdom Hearts II and DYING and not caring because I was so tired.

My mom is cleaning an odd assortment of kitchen things. And I really need to pracitice Don Juan.

Cello Section Wave! — Except Not

Dammit!!! I have Tico Tico in my head! The most infectious, freaking bit of music in the entire universe. I get Tico Tico in my head and I start to randomly dance. This was okay during YOA because everyone else was basically doing the same thing. But now?! Damn you, mother! Damn you for even mentioning it.

I have left the “moping for no good reason” phase of my life to enter the “why the fuck aren’t I practicing Don Juan” phase.

That said, I’m gonna go practice.

Memo to rest of world: cram it!


listening to: morella’s forest – lush of spring

W-hoa. The side feed is FUKT!!

I didn’t do it. I think it’s something to do with this whole Blogger-changing-around thing.


Minor Unpleasantries

listening to: mogwai – katrien

Oh, motherfu–

I’ve broken out in hives again. Around my elbows and upper legs. What the hell is my body trying to tell me? Probably that I still have mono even though I feel awesome. I wonder if it was the antibiotics again. Or if this is just what keeps happening when you have mono and your body-type reacts a certain way.

Still. It is NOWHERE near as bad as before, in the airport. It’s not all over my entire body. My face is fresh as a daisy (er, I guess). And I don’t have a temperature of 101.

And so I’m going running.

Aw man. Something else which is kind of not the most momentous thing in the universe — this new Blogger beta isn’t meant to be as FTP-friendly as the old one. As in, they recommend switching to blogspot if you want the full features. Lame.

But you know something? I don’t want to. In playing with the beta version on a randomly-made account (smokinbutter), I’m actually not that wowed by a lot of what I see. But I still don’t know. They haven’t switched me over to the new beta yet, specifically BECAUSE my blog publishes through FTP. Once they do, I’ll see how things work with my ACTUAL blog.

But who knows. Will this be the push for switching to MT? It very well might be.

You’ll Be Sorry To See Me Go

listening to: corey dargel – sorry

There’s stuff happening…everywhere you look:

Addawibba– Blogger! What the shit! Beta Blogger?? So some people can already switch over to it? And others can’t? And I can’t yet?! Why not?! More on this, later.

I am sunburnt. Thanks, sun. Thanks a whole lot.

I am BACK on Kingdom of Loathing, with the username smokinbutter. As in, BUTTER ON FIRE. Name courtesy of Matt.

Tonight, I had the BEST conversation with Rachel, ever. First of all, it’s nice to be able to rant without feeling like I’m being judged. And for someone to say “you are who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with you, and everything you say is valid.” Second of all…well…hmm, I’ve been thinking. About…everything. And I’ve basically decided that I’m through with people not caring for me. I mean, not like I’m dropping friends or anything. It’s just that…being an INFP or whatever I am, I have this inherent need to care for people. And things. For crying out loud, I worry over the feelings of kitchen appliances. And it can be really hard for me, when I really really care about other people and my existence doesn’t register with them. So I think I need to get rid of all the excessive junk in my life, and this is one region that needs definite uncluttering.

But mostly right now I need sleep.

Do You Know What’s Totally AWESOME?!

1) When people say they’re your friend but in reality basically aren’t because they don’t give TWO SHITS about you when it comes down to it.

2) All the fucking SPAM in my university email account. FUCK you, spam.

3) Bow rehairs (in all seriousness, facetiousness aside)! Seriously. Love. Love. Love. I can play stuff again! Stuff like…Mendelssohn scherzos! Awoo.

Yeah. Number one sucks ass. But whaddya gonna do. If I’ve learned anything in the last three years, it’s that you can’t make people care about you, and even if you THINK you can, you can’t change people into not-jerks. Nevermind. I need to explain things less.

Haaaay, I saw my old bird Pete, today while getting my bow rehaired in Chicago. He didn’t remember me. It was sad. And all I wanted to do was scratch his fuzzy head. But he’s as happy and green as ever, so I guess I don’t mind.

I realized something today after almost four years of occasionally dealing with Chicago and the surrounding area (through cello-searches or CYSO). And it’s that — Chicago is one damn cool city that I NEVER want to live in. Really. I enjoy all the do-able and see-able (and eat-able) things of Chicago. But I realize now that every time I try to even IMAGINE myself living there, I alienate myself into oblivion. At first I thought that maybe it was the idea of a city itself, and that I’m too small-town and introverted to live in such a compact and populated area. But after thinking about a lot of the other cool cities I’ve visited and actually COULD see myself living in (Brussels, Berlin, Boston — hey, they all start with B’s. Coincidence? Or key?!), I realize that…maybe Chicago just isn’t my city? It’s weird, because my sister is currently back there (long story) and loving it. And a lot of my friends are either from there originally or moving there after school or already moved there.

I don’t know what it is. I’ve actually had a discussion with several other people about how it doesn’t seem like I come from the Midwest. To me, I know no difference. I’ve grown up here, and my only real complaint is that it’s sort of flat. But a handful of other people can’t seem to get over the fact that I’m the person I am and I was raised here. I’m guessing part of that has to do with my parents, who are VERY non-Midwestern, despite living here for some years now. I think it’s that they came from coasts and have lived abroad and for crying out-loud are musicians.

But regardless, people tell me I should be living somewhere East. Or, recently, West. I’ve never been to any West Coast city except for L.A., so I thought it was odd and kind of cool to hear from one of my friends at YOA that I seem like I would get along well with Seattle or Portland.

I don’t know. I think too much about stuff like this. Cities. Places of living. I think to avoid complications, I should just live in a hole in the woods.

I also think I should go practice with my freshly rehaired bow. AWwo!