Internet Withdrawal = Library Computer Abuse

@$%&*# SBC!!!

I need to stop abusing the library computers by typing random symbols that ought to signify swear-words into my blog. Because…first of all, I could be doing so many more productive things. Second of all, I have no problems with swearing and really just enjoy typing in random symbols, &#$%@ GOD DAMMIT.

Apparently I am suffering from internet withdrawal. And it sucks. Why does SBC not register my existence? Do they get no reading on their soul-scanner when try to file me?

This sucks. And makes me play a lot of Kingdom Hearts. And compulsively practice but not get anything done.

Hidey-Hole Establishment


I’m in the library again. Because I’m a tool. And I totally have like eight minutes before my history section begins.

But…I was just sitting here. Fixing a weird template glitch in my blog-layout. When a composition teacher-dude came up and asked me to play in a sort of funk-ish new music thing. And…yeah. It was cool. Because I love funk-ish new music stuff. But sort of weird. And he was completely over-excited that I knew who Bang on a Can All-Stars were. And yay? I don’t know. Suddenly I’m being asked to play for everything and its mother. And I wish I had time to be in three places at once.

Can I honestly say that most of me just wants to go lurk in my non-existent hidey-hole right now?

Ooh. I should actually just establish a hidey-hole of some sort. Because lurking is the best.

I Miss Teh Intarweb

Hi. Another brief entry before I go off for practicing/studio partying (p.s. Kerry, I have a studio party meeting thing I forgot about tonight, but if it’s not too late when I get out (hopefully before 9 oh please make it before 9), we should still watch something. I will call you).

First thing: Brandon approves of my cello. Really likes it, in fact. He played it. In front of me. And yeah. Love the new cello.

I lived through the first orchestra rehearsal. I thought I was going to have a heart-attack for the first part, because, well. Yeah. I haven’t been principal of any orchestra since I was 17. And that orchestra was a moderately small youth symphony with the most friendly and laid-back conductor in the world. And also, I still have this weird and substantial fear of my colleagues not liking the fact that I am “good,” and secretly just thinking that I am “anti-good,” which are probably weird feelings having to do with my experience at Iowa (…”anti-good”…?). But no. Everybody’s REALLY cool about it. More than cool. They’re all happy that I am sitting where I am as an UNDER-GRAD. HAH.

But yeah. Beethoven 5 almost gave me a heart-attack (because I can’t count in 2 apparently), but Prokofiev 5 was…love that piece. And I get to play it! There’s this big cello-section solo thing, with divided parts. And I was listening to myself as I played the first few notes and sort of going “wow, this cello sounds good.” And then two notes later, I was trying to keep from snarfing laughter outloud, because, ha ha, I can’t shift downwards.

Other than that, I have curtains in my room but still no internet. I’m waiting for an email from SBC about a phone-line that they are supposedly going to install tomorrow. But yeah. They said I should recieve this email within 3 business days when I filled out the order last Wednesday evening. So hopefully this will actually happen. My place is nice and I like having space but I really really really miss teh intarweb.

It also turns out that phone-line + broadband = not very expensive, so huttzh.

Oh jeez. I don’t want to be social with two studios at once. I think I will take the hiding-in-the-corner or behind-the-sofa option, thanks.


I want to blog something awesome and entertaining –because how often do I actually get to do so anymore?– but all my brain can manage right now is AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKWARD and my teacher is at a computer two rows up from me and he didn’t notice as I walked past him and I definitely haven’t seen him since like May and this keyboard is the one with the stupid shift. So no, really.

Yeah. I need to work on responding to positive words about my playing better. Because, as is mentioned above, awkward awkward awkward.

K, bye.

What The–!!

Oh holy mother of–

Okay, where I said I might “just miss orchestra” in that entry before? Not gonna happen. Ever.


They put me principal cello.



WHO in Sam Hill–??

I guess my audition must have been more than okay.

Okay. That’s my “what the–” for the day week.

R.I.P. Bob Moog

Um. I probably shouldn’t be blogging in the library. But I am. Only to say a few things.

First of all…

R.I.P. Bob Moog. Died at age 71. Had been diagnosed with brain cancer.

Orchestral audition was…alright? I don’t remember. I just know I walked out of there and went “WOO! NO MORE STUPID EXCERPTS TO PRACTICE!” I don’t feel any ominous or foreboding feelings of doom about the way I played, so it must have been okay.

I am frustrated because I’ve been asked to sub for ISO for their first concert, but as it turns out I don’t think I’ll be able to play with them for the entire season because their dress-rehearsals are always Fridays at 2pm, where I have orchestra every Friday from 3-5. I get one free absense, so maybe I’ll just be a tool and use it once. And stuff.

Other than that, my life has been dominated by Kingdom Hearts and Katamari Damacy in the past 24 hours. Actually, only sort of. I feel lazy if I waste too much time with the ps2, which in turn makes me go practice. Hah!! See, Mom?!

Okay. Going. Seriously, though. R.I.P Bob Moog. You will be missed.

Hate. Library. Computers.

The shift and delete keys don’t really um work, so this might be short.

First day of school. Conducting at 8am MWF. Our TA is a very tall DMA student who looks about 16, and who is very quiet and patient and nice. I expected someone older prodding me in the ribs with a baton, but I think conducting will be a lot less scary and painless than I had originally thought.

313 (the first semester of music history) will be a lot like 314 (the second semester that I took last semester, woo transfering) except much earlier. The professor rocks. And hopefully my TA for the section will, too. Not that I’ll find out tomorrow because the period during my quiz section is the only time I’ll have to take this…

AUDITION. Crap. Wait. Maybe not crap. I don’t know. I’ve been practicing a lot, but the music is hard. But I sound okay. But some people who offer advice confuse me. But then some others only encourage me and then for some reason I automatically sound better. Whatever. My only hope is to make it into the symphony. And, yeah, I was there last year, but it’s hard when there are 8-million new masters students to compete with. Hmm. I don’t like that word, compete.

In other things, I got my phone-line set up. Meaning internet is soon to follow. Meaning that hopefully by the end of next week, I will be content and never need to leave my apartment again. Oh, wait. Nevermind. I totally forgot that I never really need to leave my apartment in the first place because…

MY PS2 came!! It’s the size of my blue-journal-book thing, and about as heavy. And Kingdom Hearts came with it!! But I have no memory card. Which sucks. Hopefully tomorrow. Maybe I can also snag Katamari Damacy, with it. Or maybe Justin can lend me stuff. If the stupid kid even exists anymore. JUSTIN, CALL ME, OR ELSE KERRY AND I ARE BREAKING INTO ALLEN HALL AND WILL PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR AND DUMP YOU IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE.

In other things, I get 5 channels at my place. And this is actually fine because they cover pretty much everything I watch, entirely. CBS for Letterman (which I found myself shamefully addicted to this summer). NBC for Conan O’Brian. Fox for the Simpsons. PBS for all the special classical crap and cooking shows and Antique’s Roadshow and pretty much the majority of what I actually watch. And QVC. Which is worthless. Because yeah. I really just don’t watch TV, ever. So it’s all okay.

Yeah. Um. Oh my god. I miss blogging. That is all. Carry on.

Hey, You Kids Be Cool

Yes! Blogging! On an advanced browser (albiet, IE)! On a somewhat working (albiet lagging slightly and a Dell) computer! You kids, you kids be cool.

Yes, yes. I am in the music library. Because my pad still has no internet.

However, my pad does have unbelievably tall ceilings. And a lot of dead insects under furniture (I sucked up all the reachable ones on the floor). And food. And it will soon have a ps2 because I am the ultimate tool and I ordered one as a “birthday present” for myself. Yes, birthday.

Happy birthday to me! And…jebus! The birthday wishes I have recieved! Phone-calls from around the states and from Japan!! JAPAN (Yaaay, Jamie!), says I!! And random people in the hallways of the music building, thanks to the facebook.

Yeah. So I have this audition thing on Thursday, and I’m officially no longer completely screwed. But I still need to practice like hell. And get a practice-room key thing. And procure internet for my place. And finish unpacking and crap. And…augh. Did I mention how I like to hide in a hole on my birthday? Not happening. So I’m’a go.

I lurve you all and I miss you and I will hopefully have connection sometime next week if the ps2 doesn’t completely distract me.

Yeehaw, the end.

A Very Secret Meeting + 100 Things Meme

There was a very secret meeting held at a very secret location tonight, for area bloggers. Okay, it totally wasn’t a secret, as you could probably hear us from about three blocks away. And it wasn’t for only bloggers (though a good four of us were). But yes, fun times were had by all. Exclusive video footage of myself and a certain Rob singing a Brak song will later be provided here.

Awesome thunderstorm, just a bit ago. I turned out the lights upstairs, laid down in the hallway, half on the stairs — half on the main floor, and stared out the window at the absurd lightning. One reason I enjoy the Midwest in all its summer humidity.

Last blog entry for a while. Tomorrow = wedding and packing and father’s return from Germany if Northwest Airlines still does that (my family and their traveling karma…). Sunday = move and no internet. Following days = stuff and birthday and school and still no internet.

Who knows when I will be properly blogging again, so here is the LONGEST MEME IN EXISTENCE to tide you over. The infamous 100 Things meme (psst, that crap took FOR-E-VER). Have fun and leave comments and everybody have a good start of school/work/etc.

100 Things About Me
1. I attended Montessori school from ages 3-4, and they put to rest the weird idea in my head that you could make the color red out of other colors
2. Upon inspecting some old progress report sheets from Montessori school, they noted that I was a good kid except for the fact that I sucked at Math (even when I was THREE!) and I spent all of the snack break socializing instead of snacking
3. Contrary to popular belief among my friends, I do not live in a vortex and my older sister is not just a figment of my imagination.
4. I can’t tyepf orst shit. ‘Cos I’m QESOME.
5. I really like the person I’ve become
6. Somehow I don’t believe that other people should like me, at all, ever, despite the fact that I like myself
7. In reality I am supposedly kind of popular, which confuses and freaks me out a lot
8. I have what might be the coolest collection of pants in existence
9. I have played the cello for 15 years now
10. Each of the last three cello teachers I’ve had have all had a kid during the time I’ve worked with them. So, okay. Enough already, with the kids, please!
11. I also play the electric bass (I play a fretless, making me awesome, question mark?), and did jazz band stuff during high school
12. I was also involved in choir, including jazz choir and madrigals
13. I really really love madrigals, and you are better off avoiding me for the entire month of December
14. I am the recessive gene in my immediate family, all blonde and blue-eyed and stuff
15. I am half Polish on my mother’s side
16. I will never know exactly what I am on my Dad’s side. Hungarian, Austrian, German, Russian, some Eastern European stuff, maybe more. Who knows?
17. Supposedly there is a very miniscule amount of Mongolian on my mom’s side, from when the Mongol’s invaded Poland a way long time ago, which explains why I like meat. And horses. And Tuvan throat-singing.
18. I have an older sister who is 26 and living in Germany.
19. There is a 7-year difference between us, so we’re more like decent acquaintances who share similar bone-structure than sisters
20. Regardless of the above, we have both turned out freakishly alike in ways
21. For as long as I can remember (until this Spring), we’ve kept birds in our house, mostly parakeets
22. Our most recent parrot of 10-years, Pete, was so so cool. He now lives with his first family in Chicago, as they have time for him to sit on their shoulders and chew their shoe-laces all the live-long day
23. I really miss that bird
24. My favorite animal as a child was the elephant, and I had a large elephant collection that could totally beat up whatever animal collection you had when you were five
25. Horses were later my favorite animal, and I actually got to work with them on a horse-farm from the ages of about 9-14
26. I was a member of Pony Club for a good amount of time, but I prefered working on the ground as a working-student and stable-hand to competing on horse-back and falling off 3-times-a-day and breaking those precious cello-fingers
27. Currently I really like foxes
28. I’ve never eaten a twinkie, and plan for the matter to remain so
29. When I was young (like 5), whenever I would say “just a minute,” I’d insert the word “minuette” because I was a dork-ette even then
30. My Dad is Jewish and my Mom is Catholic and yes, it has occurred to me that this explains why I am filled with guilt, all the time
31. I feel guilty about EVERYTHING, regardless of whether or not I have control over certain things
32. I was of ambiguous religious up-bringing, and now just sort of make up beliefs for myself as I go
33. I feel I’ve turned out pretty well-rounded as a child-heathen except for a few certain things including matters of a)guilt and b)fate, which are both things that you will find me curled up in a fetal ball after attempting to contemplate.
34. I have always said I do not believe in fate, but lately I’m starting to wonder if maybe there is something to this fate thing after all
35. No matter what, I still believe in time and timing. And space (I believe in!!)
36. I am in a band called National Placenta Garage, and I’m totally not kidding.
37. I have music in my head every waking hour of the day and sometimes it’s annoying
38. Different from what might be expected of introverted weirdos like myself, I really enjoyed high school, whereas I find college to be frustrating and unpleasant a lot of the time
39. I have long and narrow feet, and when I was born and they were trying to take my foot-print in that little circle-thing, my feet went right out of the circle
40. I am weirdly overnostalgic (in a sad way) and I often need to be punched in the face because of it
41. It takes me a while to get to know people, and I usually have problems trusting
42. I value honesty and a good heart in other people and myself
43. I have had a total of one boyfriend (who I am pleased to say encouraged above-mentioned footage of he and myself singing The Beans song by Brak to be spread around the internet), for about a week during high school. He thereafter became one of my best friends.
44. I am a chocoholic like whoa, but I don’t really like other sugary crap
45. I just bit my lip and it really. really. hurt.
46. I have weird, self-conflicting issues with pop-culture, but if you call me Indie (the kind who don’t like things specifically because they’ve become popular) I will CUT you.
47. I am really pessimistic, but still pretty happy, and at least I’m not easily dissapointed
48. However, there have been those times. You know.
49. I am fairly aggressive, but I am well experienced in suppressing the urges to go out and beat people up.
50. A lot of the time I’m also kind of meek
51. The bottom line is that I just don’t do well with people, and would rather hide out than be social
52. Most people actually think I’m quiet and polite by nature when they first meet me. Which I find hilarious.
53. I have some truly kick-ass friends scattered across the globe
54. I gave up living in the best city ever in order to better my musician skills, and I think I deserve a cookie for that whole ordeal.
55. I don’t like the city where I currently go to school and am going to attempt to live there for three more years.
56. I can’t make decisions, big or small.
57. I play in a quartet with my sister’s ex-roommate’s ex-boyfriend’s fiance, THANK you, small and incestuous music-world (but she is way cool, for the record)
58. I’m too nice, and I need to yell at people who bother me rather than compensate my sanity
59. There is original music in my head and I wish I were better at getting it out
60. I like bizarre, noisy, atonal 20th century music
61. I worry that people think I’m a freak because of that
62. I have this sad belief that I’m going to be alone forever
63. I also really value my being by myself, so the above-mentioned is only a sometimes-sad thing
64. I am a college student and I don’t drink and that is statistically improbable.
65. If I do drink (ie, a shot-glass equivalent amount of Port or wine), it’s because my parents badger me into it, and is that not also statistically improbable?
66. I love Trader Joe’s and everything in that store
67. I’ve been to Europe once when I was 9
68. I was in Mexico when I was 13
69. I was also in Japan in that same year-number 13
71. I am endlessly obsessed with Japan in so many ways
72. The only reason I value AIM anymore is so that I can have absurd conversations in what I call “the chat,” or all of my far-off net-friends in one window making fun of me for mistyping everything
73. I have a new cello, and I love it, and I will not shut up about it
74. I may or may not be going to a Nightmare Before Christmas themed wedding with Stick (aka Josh)
75. I am quietly obsessed with weird, dark, German impressionistic and Tim Burton-esque art
76. You know that dorky series of books for horse-loving twirps, The Saddle Club? I think I’ve read like all of those
77. I was very much obsessed with The Chronicles of Narnia when I was young, and thus believed that every locked door led to another world
78. My sister did not help the above, by trying to convince me that magical, gift-giving fairies lived in her closet
79. I never believed in Santa Claus when I was younger, but never spoke out because I was afraid my gift-receiving privelidges would be revoked.
80. My entire immediate family consists of musicians, as does a lot of my distant family
81. Supposedly, the Jewish clan of my father’s ancestors were the Levites, and I’m pretty sure he referred to them as being “the wandering musical Jews”
82. I can bake a mean chocolate-chip banana bread, so sit your ass down!
83. My mom is from Upstate NY, and rare is a summer where I don’t end up there for a couple weeks
84. I have witnessed approximately 50 weddings of people I don’t know
85. I have a sick love for Japanese variety shows
86. I have a gift for immitating loons (you know, those damn loud birds that live on Northern lakes?). It is scary and loud and I have decided to only ever demonstrate this to people for money. So pay up.
87. I was completely, unbelievably obsessed with the Beatles from ages 8-13.
88. My first real crush was definitely Paul McCartney
89. I remember first seeing Yellow Submarine when I was 3. Which might explain a thing or two about me, if you think about it.
90. R.E.M. is probably my next favorite band
91. I am and will forevermore be terrified by slugs
92. I keep a private journal-book thing, which is just my snarky commentary on the world, uncensored. I love that writing.
93. I worry about the art of physical hand-writing in this computer-dominated world
94. I am sick of trying to come up with pointless things about myself
95. I am starting to re-obsess about this wild, epic comic-book called ElfQuest
96. I am a navigational nazi, so don’t screw with me.
97. Please don’t be a stupid driver around me.
98. My punctuation use in this meme has been inconsistent, and for that I apologize.
99. I am way too addicted to blogging, and the wonder that is Blogger.
100. Yes, is this Boot Country?

Ceylon’s Mom’s A Stupid Bitch

I finally, after about a year, got up to Mitsuwa yesterday. And it was heavenly. Because I got to partake of food, manga and music in a way I have only been dreaming of for the past year.

Actually, I only ended up with four tankouban (one I already have, stupid stupid me!), but more on that later. First, food.

I don’t eat much Japanese food anymore. Mostly because the awesome restaurant in town here, Tachibana, closed down a year ago. And because I don’t live in Iowa City, where the Japanese restaurants made a complete spectacle of themselves and I always went “I could eat regular American-ized whatever. … OR I COULD GO TO THREE SAMURAI AND HAVE SUKIYAKI.” There are places to go in C-U, but I’m additionally lazy and cheap, which is probably the greatest reason I don’t eat much Japanese food anymore.

But anyway. Mitsuwa has the crazy food-court, with some simpler dishes that you don’t find in the big restaurants. Like the rice-bowls, which I LOOVE. I used to always get gyuu-don (beef over rice), before the restaurant changed. They used to crack an egg over the top of the bowl and it was SOOO. GOOD. But they don’t do that at the new place, so I’m always a bit hesitant to give in and order that. Yesterday, I went out on a limb and ordered katsu-don (breaded pork cutlet mixed with egg, over rice), which is supposed to be one of the ultimate Japanese comfort-foods. I’d never had katsu-don before, and I definitely thought that I deserved the ultimate Japanese comfort-food to compensate for my own personal insane-asylum that I lived in over the summer. And it was really good. And all I could think about was the stupid book Kitchen from my EALC class, and it’s stupid stupid ending. And I think I really just miss the old gyuu-don they used to have.

In other completely inane things about manga, WAAHAHAHA.

Okay. I’m an idiot. And I didn’t check to see exactly how much of HanaKimi I had before going off into bookstore-land. Because I totally snagged a second copy of volume 22 without realizing it. $%&@#! Because nothing, I repeat, NOTHING happens in this volume. I could very well have spent my five dollars on the last few volumes of KareKano, because that series is effed up and I love it. But anyway. HanaKimi ended. I didn’t realize that. I sort of stopped reading/caring about anything once Koucha Ouji finished. Apparently HanaKimi ended like two chapters after I departed from caring about the HanaYume magazines. I read the last chapter a couple times and went “meh.” But by the third read, I was more spastically flailing because hey, it IS a good ending. Even if the 20 previous or-so- chapters before that ending were just so…boring. Sano is still awesome. Sekime’s new hair-cut is still hot. Mizuki is still kind of “nibui” (ie, dull-witted) but we have the SANO/SEKIME factor, so it’s okay. Really. I used to be so wrongly obsessed with this series. And now it just has me occasionally flailing. Hmm.

I also managed to pick up the first volume of a series which I’ve vaguely noticed in Hanayume, and that is TeruTeruXShonen. Which I have NO CLUE what I think of. I think I need to obtain more of it before I can form an opinion. Which…could be a lose-lose situation. Damn.

I wandered about looking for some other things, mostly Bleach, but didn’t really end up going all that crazy over anything else. I think I need some time to catch up on a lot of the manga on my shelf belonging to JaMeg that I still haven’t read. I did come across piles of Inuyasha (up to volume 41, by now). Which I took one look at and went “Sorry but NO. END, and then I’ll read you.” Because seriously. I won’t care until then.

I think this is the part of the entry where I need to talk about Koucha Ouji. Which I’ve decided is way better than HanaKimi, or for that matter, ANY shoujo manga series I’ve read. I picked up #23 yesterday, which completes my collection and answers about 10 of my “what the–” questions (note: 25 is the last volume). Questions about Darjeeling. And Assam’s mom. And Ceylon’s dad. And…I just need to take a moment to say one thing: Ceylon’s mom is a total BITCH-SLUT. Yeah, Arima’s mom (from KareKano) is just a slut. And I’m moderately okay with that. But CEYLON’S MOM? Poor kid. Anyway, I love this series, so much. I love all of the main characters, but all of the minor characters still have relevence to the story (and none of them annoy the crap out of me, which is kind of amazing, too!) and…just…gyeee!

For posterity, I also bought Tokyo Jihen’s first album. Going to marry Kameda Seiji.


Sometimes, when I discover I’ve done something dumb, I’ll get really mad at the nearest door-frame or wall, or another close-by inanimate object, and proceed to try and beat it up. Kind of like Go from V6, except without all the weird punkishness.

That said, would somebody like my second copy of HanaKimi #22? I will simply GIVE it to you. It’s totally in raw Japanese, and the plot is totally circling the drain at this point, but it’s freeeee…

All I want to do from here on out is translate Koucha Ouji. Which is BAD. Because I need to PRACTICE. And PACK. And write polite business-emails regarding inquiries about teaching positions. Bleh.

And…and…I hate it when my mother and I argue about FIBER.

…Okay, you know what? Nevermind…

This Entry Is Roughly The Size Of A Large Child

If you are a Blogger user, there is a totally rad user-survey you should take, linked from the main dashboard area when you log in (if you haven’t noticed, or if you haven’t logged in). And you should tell them you want entry categorization capabilities. Yes, you should.

I watched the movie version of Fiddler on the Roof last night for the first time since I was maybe, 4. And good GOD if that’s not the longest musical ever. I have to say, though, that I didn’t remember a good portion of the movie, since it’s been about 15 years, and I’m just now remembering how The Dream scene TOTALLY scared the bejesus out of me when I was little. I had completely forgotten why I ever had a fear of being burried alive in the first place, but apparently it all came from that stupid movie. Well, that and Young Sherlock Holmes (which I really want to watch again sometime…it also totally scared the crap out of me when I was younger, but somehow I could never keep from watching it if I had the option). So yeah. Uh huh.

Stolen from m.e.d. who in turn ganked it from marion who possibly stole it from kellie.

Ten Things That I’m Good At:
1. navigating
2. getting unbelievably excited over trivial things
3. making weird and random noises
4. subdividing
5. wasting time
6. obsessing over stuff like books or music
7. providing lower voicing
8. over-thinking everything
9. being un-characteristically nice and charming, when i so choose *eats people*
10. translating manga, if i do say so myself


I officially have electricity in my place starting this Friday. Horaay! But I still don’t have internet set up. Boo-earns. Er, sort of. Kyra and I are trying to figure something out, since she lives right above me and has a dial-up connection. Basically, this will either involve drilling some sort of hole, or going for a DSL/wireless modem (you know, one of the cool dealies that includes both), Kyra using the wireless on her laptop and me not, since my computer is roughly the size of a large child (but hey, it’s shiny and a Mac).

When it comes down to it, I’m not sure how much I actually want to return to school. Being as I’ve started at two new schools in the past two years, it feels like I should be moving on to another one this year, as well. I’m sure it will be good to return to the same-olds, and make an attempt at a somewhat peaceful existence for once. Especially now that some weirdly annoying and tire-some factors are out of the picture. YAY. I think.

And to close, this is an entry from one of my new favorite bloggers, Anil Dash, about New York City, which I found reflected a few of my location-obsession traits and just sort of made me happy.

Oh God Please No

listening to: this one really weird and incessant r.e.m. b-side i can’t remember the name of, in my head

I had this dream about fingerboards. Bass-guitar fingerboards vs. cello fingerboards. And maybe mandolin fingerboards, too. It had something to do with strumming, and fingering chords versus individual notes on a neck which is flat as opposed to a neck which is rounded. And something about frets, too. I also remember being forced to run through corn-fields, but it had nothing to do with fingerboards.

My sister has officially left for Germany. Jamie and Megan have officially gone back to Japan (and I SUCK because I didn’t even wish them goodbye, me and my poor skills at LIFE. Yeah, if you guys read this, I suck and I apologize and this just means that I really DO need to come visit you at the soonest opportunity). People are officially finishing up their summer jobs and going back to their respective places of schooling. I am officially moving into my place next Sunday, followed by my birthday on Tuesday and then classes starting Wednesday. I may or may not be playing in some one-act opera at ISU through most of the first two weeks of school, meaning some commuting action (but the pay is good). And is this sad or what? But I’m sort of using this one-act opera thing as an excuse to avoid going out and celebrating my birthday with people. Because everybody’s like “ASDFLKJ LET’S DO SOMETHING and then GET DRUNK” and I’m just like “asdf;kj oh god please no.” I don’t know what it is. I’ve never enjoyed birthdays. I think it has something to do with the timing in the year, because if my birthday is not coinciding with the start of school, then it is within the first few days of the start, and that’s never much fun. Everyone’s always so busy. Or maybe it’s just that in the last two years, my birthday has fallen on the day where I MOVE IN to the dorms. That was a real kick in the head my freshman year, because when you’ve lived in one place for 17 years of your life and suddenly you are dumped into an entirely new setting, it’s a little bit unsettling…on your birthday. So I would rather choose to ignore birthdays. I’m always freaking out about something else. I never ask for anything in the first place. The fam is never around. I’ll just save everybody the trouble and wait until Christmas, really (note: also, I feel guilty about people putting time and energy into me, because I’m weird like that).

So yeah. I would rather just continue moving into my apartment and play this one-act opera thing, as opposed to…

nonspecified music colleagues: LET’S GO OUT AND DRINK
me: I’m…only gonna be 20
colleagues: let’s go to one of our HOUSES and drink
me: I’m…not really much of a drinking…person
colleagues: let’s go to one of our HOUSES and bake cookies and be GIRLY!
me: hey look, over there! a thing…with stuff! bye!

I think this would be a good time to restate the fact that I’m not very good at being a college student, apparently. Or being girly.

Ugh…I need to practice. Badly. My audition excerpts are all in pretty good shape, huge thanks go to that cello-excerpt class I took with Hannah at Iowa. But then there’s this Prokofiev 5 which I am in no way familiar with yet. I can’t seem to make connections between any of the notes, no help going out to the random-ness of them. Random non-sensical intervals…GO!

The Beethoven 5 excerpt will rock, because my new cello has the ringiest quality to it. Seriously. I love my cello. Will I ever stop mentioning this? No. Because it is the best. And remember when I was all like “WHAT DO I DO?? Should I get this instrument which is ringy and beautiful but may not be quiet impossibly loud as I want it to be during its new life in which it hasn’t had time to open up?!” And now I have a cello. Hee!

Don’t Like Our Blogging? Call

Oh dear GOD, this has been ME ALL ALONG. Man. I’m going to print that pdf out and tape it to my wall. Eventually. Maybe. Probably not.

Well, okay. For those of you who don’t subscribe to the Talia over-contemplation network, I’ll have you know that “blog depression” is not the reason I’ve been freaking out all summer. I believe it might have been a decent contributor, though.

In other things that *made my sister jump and shriek, Walken 2008, anybody?

*my sister may have jumped and shreiked, but then she proceeded to tell me that I need to vote Hillary in 2008. I suppose we shall see, won’t we.

Okay so…

Kerry: I’m moving in on the 21st, sometime that afternoon. I completely agree that we should hang out and hate CU together. I don’t believe I’ll have internet set up for a while, so I’ll give you a call. Or you can give me a call. Either way, there will be calling stuff happening. Also, about the mix order? It’s possible I suck.

Kim: Aaaw, you don’t have to give out advice! It’s just nice to know that other people feel aimless/useless as well. But hey, if this feeling continues into the school-year, we can totally meet in the middle of our respective schools and commiserate in a bean-field. Now wouldn’t that be fun?


Oh cool. Stuff is now working with IE 5.0. Sort of…

It’s been an interesting couple of days. My sister’s been around. And she is leaving for Germany on Sunday (well, we hope, anyway. she is a little bit screwed, honestly. or as she put it, “fukt.” you know that whole deal about British Air going on strike and Heathrow closing down? yeah, that. well, guess who’s changing planes in Heathrow to British Air en route to Dusseldorf?? YEAH! MY SISTER!!! So, worst comes to worst, she’ll leave Tuesday and fly straight from Chicago to Frankfurt). It’s kind of neat being around her. She says I have the coolest collection of pants ever, and hearing that from someone as fashionably-savvy as my sister is cool (it’s also cool because I HEART PANTS! PANTS! Fun to say, AND to wear). I’m also quite a lot jealous. I have this vision of Germany and Europe in my head, from when I was there and from what my imagination tells me to envision, and I want to go, too. Then again, I think I’m madly jealous of ANYONE who is moving on to other places. I think I can conclude from all of this that I have been living in Central Illinois for too long. Seriously. Out of 19 years, I’ve been here 17. And I have at least another THREE LEFT AAHAHAHA *death* Oh crap, I’m dead. Yeah. Dead. *keeps typing*

Things in my brian are starting to happen. I am now officially looking forward to school, and cello, and living in the coolest apartment ever (i have a pantry and french doooors!) and just…getting out of this summer rut my brain has invented for myself. I know what to expect and how to handle this school, so I think it’s just a matter of NOT finding something ridiculous to freak out over.

I mean, there has been a lot of overcontemplation this summer (a LOT), but some of it was for the better. Like a lot of my musicianship contemplation. I finally got to voice some of it to another aspiring musician, and all they could do was say it was good to be thinking beyond just performing.

If anything, I really want to meet with my teacher. I want for him to approve of my new cello in a way that shows he is REALLY PLEASED (he has to be or I’ll DIIIIE. a-GAAAIN. *dead-but-typing*) I want to play the stuff I’ve worked on all summer to know that he approves of what I’ve gotten done. I want to tell him I’ve been overcontemplating life, and for him to tell me that it’s okay if I want to do more than just perform what everyone else and their mother has performed before me. But he’s still not home and won’t be until SEPTEMBEEER (also important, I need for him to sign a piece of paper that ensures I get “upper level lessons” on my schedule now that I’m…upper level…or something).

Also, I am glad I did not go to Musicorda. That is all.

And now I’m off for an hour or two of hanging about with Jeff. And awkward people. But Jeff, he rocks.

*edit* I spelled Heathrow wrong. So I fixed it. And apparently the whole thing there is easing up, so that’s good. Also, there was nothing awkward about hanging about with Jeff and old high school people. It was awesome, in fact. It’s funny to me that I’m still really good friends with so many people from high school. Other people have even voiced their curiosity towards the fact that I spent a good deal of the summer with people I haven’t been in school with for over two and three years.

Also, I have a good story. For later. Not now. Oh, Lordy Lou am I tired. Man. Clive Barker, I like you.

You Think The Crazy Shit Is Done With? How Wrong You Are.

Oh for the love of–

There was a cookies error logging into Blogger with IE 5.0 (even though I definitely blogged using IE 5.0 earlier today…) and thus I am using 4.5. Again. And this is ridiculous. I can’t wait until I can return to the world of OS X civilization.

I keep telling myself not to blog, but then I keep going “shut the f up, self” and blog anyway. Because now I just don’t care who’s reading and crap like that.

So okay. I’m really angry, now. I don’t know why. I have no right to be feeling any of these things I am currently feeling; anger, severe anxiety, negative pessemism and what have you. I have amazing friends and a really supportive family and a new cello and great books and I don’t live in a cardboard box. What more could I ask for? I just don’t understand the way I’ve been acting lately, because I am NOT. Normally. LIKE THIS. I am normally accepting of what happens to me and flexible and I am able to cope with the things going on in my head. So WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM?

I am signed onto AIM for the first time in days. I hate it when I can’t uphold my own expectations for myself, especially when they’re short-term things that help me to avoid having my soul sucked out by the socially voyeuristic parts of the internet that really get to me. But then again, I happen to be talking to my favorite clone-entitity person thing, Marion. So that makes it more than okay.

I am waiting for banana bread to finish baking, and it’s taking FOREVER. I also gave myself a blister by creaming sugar and eggs by hand. What the hell is that all about?

Ugh. I think part of my problem is that I have been overanalyzing every single aspect of my life lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am useless. Totally useless. I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s a little-sister thing. I am automatically useless because I was born second to somebody good. And as a younger sister, I am a need machine who only whines when I am not being patted on the head or being handed some form of chocolate to keep me shut up.

Wait. That wasn’t what I meant to say at all. What I meant to say is that I sort of feel that it is necessary suddenly, for some weird reason I can’t pinpoint, for me to contribute something good to the world. But I don’t see performing music in this competitive zoo-house that is the music-world to be contributing um anything. So I suddenly feel useless and I don’t understand my place in life or how the rest of my family is actually fulfilling that place in life. See, no matter what, I want to be involved in music. But I keep questioning the classical performance aspets of what I am doing. I still don’t know what about music makes me happy. But I don’t think that it’s playing for people during my lifetime. And it’s so weird, because the people around me are asking themselves if they can do the performing and the playing. And I already know I can, because it’s something I’ve been doing in some form since I was much younger. And that’s weird to me.

I’ve been considering this a lot lately, and maybe this is something I need to talk to my teacher about. Maybe I need to ask if he’s ever questioned himself. Maybe I need to know that there’s something else I can contribute to the music world with the skills I am working with. God freaking dammit.

I finished I really great book today, with a really great ending. I learned so much from it, as well. Sadly, it’s taken me most of the summer to finish it, what with all this Harry Potter hoopla. I need to keep reading.

Dammit, bread. Hurry up and finish baking, already.

Plagueing The Internets

Hey! How about that! I’ve convinced Internet Explorer 5.0 that it should work for me, and that is most definitely an up 4.5. I can view simple css now. And comment on people’s blogs. And look at things. Well, some things. My Dad just this morning ordered a new computer. It is a very exciting thing for him, to come out of his old mac shell and embrace something newer and shinier and equipped OS 10.4 (thank GOD I will never have to look at OS9 again). I am proud of him.

But in the meantime, I actually feel like plagueing the internets with non-gloomy verbal…stuff, and I got IE 5.0 to work. Horaay!

I have no idea when this new computer is coming. It could be after I leave for school, but whatever. I’ve been spending a lot less time with the internet lately, and I have had no problems with that. But then, nothing works on this computer, so who could blame me. Functional browsers and iTunes and AIM and…you know what? I’ve been least bothered by my lesser use of AIM. The only reason I am hesitant to completely give up all use of AIM is the chat. But anyway. I like making random use of my actual, unconnected computer, which sits in my room and preoccupies when I am in need of being distracted or am just…well, yes.

I would also like to mention that I love blogging all over again. I mean, not just the act of blogging, but reading people’s writing, too. Woo.

Please Ignore This Entry, For It Is All Crazy-Talk

Oh dear god. I finally found a browser on this computer that will work. And it is Internet Explorer 4.5. This machine is regressing in time like a monkey. I mean, not just like a monkey. Like a monkey that is regressing in time.

I’m blogging. Because I can and I am going c-RAZY in this house. My sister is here today, with her boyfriend Andrew. And they are moving things in. And I feel cramped here. And I can’t practice. Because everyone else and their boyfriend (seriously) is practicing, and if they’re not, then they’re capable of hearing me practice, and might finally figure out for themselves that I can’t practice worth crap when people are around. Least of all, it won’t even occur to them that I’m practicing like crap because people are around. They’ll just assume that I practice like crap.

You know how I mentioned that everything I could possibly want to express while I’m sitting here before a computer screen is gloomy and crap? Well HAHAHAHAHA IT STILL IS YOU ALL LOSE.

I think I’m doing better. I’m just trying to figure out why I have been and am still continually going insane. And I think I’m obsessed with control. Not controlling other people, but controlling my own life. I’ve been thinking back about when I was trying to make my decision to transfer, and one of the reasons that was so hard was because I had to choose between one aspect of life that I was familiar with, and another which was unknown and possibly SO MUCH better or THAT MUCH worse than the life that I was familiar with. And I think letting go of that idea of being able to control what happens in my life was really scary for me. REALLY SCARY. But I did it, and things are, okay. Honestly. It’s a complete trade-off. I love my teacher. I appreciate that I am in a studio with people who are open and willing to help. I appreciate that I am able to play chamber music to a very enjoyable extent. I appreciate that I am learning interesting music-related things on the side. But on the other hand, I can’t get over the fact that my surroundings are so dull. I know I’ve whined about this endlessly, that this is hard but it would just take time, and I know it seems like a ridiculous and stupid thing to get wrapped up in, but try as I might, I can’t get over it. I loved that city. I loved my surroundings. It was that place that helped me get through some of the weirder ordeals of angsty and un-fair young-adult musician…crap. Not people. I mean, I have a lot of really great and supportive friends, and I love them all. But a great many of them are far away. And in general it’s harder for me to try and depend on people and feel comfortable letting those people fill in some of the empty spaces in my life. Because I still just…can’t…trust anyone. People come and go and move and aren’t always honest and might have ulterior motives and I just don’t feel comfortable opening myself up to anybody unless I KNOW I can trust them, from experience. I’ve been hurt and disappointed too many times not to feel this way. But places and features and objects only come and go because something or someone else moves them, or because time erodes them, and they don’t talk back or have motives to drive them or…

Is it weird of me to feel like I have to choose between people and locations as being the important cornerstones in my life? I’m talking crazy-talk, here. Everyone’s going to start wondering exactly WHAT went on when I was growing up in my family.

Okay, that was the longest and weirdest tangent ever. And it wandered away from my original point of control. Because…control. Even after I did transfer, I felt as though somehow everything that had happened only happened because I willed it to. I think when things started happening that were out of my control, it freaked me out. I started questioning my very existence because the outcome of whatever was not one of the many possibilities I had forseen. And I really need to just let things happen without thinking too much. That’s my problem.

It’s weird, because my Dad is never hesitant to relay any of his 8-thousand stories about how he came to be where he is in life, and how rewarding and just-right everything was that took place. He frequently says that fate was a guiding hand, and for some reason that’s always bothered me. I’ve always been quite certain that everything in the world happens because science makes it so, or people will things to happen and do things to make those things happen. Total control. But I think now that maybe it’s different. And maybe I should stop lamenting over what I couldn’t accomplish, and just try to think about what I can do for my future while just…letting the things happen that are going to without wondering how I can change them. I mean, I’m doing alright. I hope.

Crazy-talk, I say.

I wonder if this entry will actually publish when I click the oblong and naked looking “publish post” button with IE 4.5. Hmm.

My Excuses

Reasons I have not been and may continue to not blog (aka, not be internet-present) for a while…

+ Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the idiocy that is the internet. People make me angry. People who argue. And people who write things (none of my blogging-friends I assure you). And people who read my blog and base my character on what they have just read. Believe it or not, I have a life outside the internet, and there are things about myself that I do not talk about on my blog. I have this tendancy in real life to talk about more than superficial, popular, geeky crap (as much as I do love and depend on the stuff). I’ve been getting away from that in the last week, and it’s been nice.

+ I really have nothing to say that isn’t still just angry or gloomy, while I’m sitting at the keyboard staring at things and watching the status of people on AIM and feeling more and more useless all the time.

+ Our computer at home is DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. I don’t care. It needed to die. What amuses me is how my father, for some reason, wanted to hold onto this almost-7-year-old piece of Apple crap for so long. Like, this morning my dad finally announced that he was going to order a new computer because you couldn’t open any WEB-BROWSERS with ours, hahaha, and mysterious things are wrong with the hard drive volumes according to Disk First Aid, hahaha. But then like a half-hour later, he’s like “Oh!! Netscape almost worked! Who needs a new computer??” and I’m like “YOOOU DUUUUU PLEEEEZE!” But he is FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY going to order a new one. I am currently at his office, because there is a phone-number or two I needed to extract from my email, and hey. I always love the blogging. Even when I am taking a “break” from the internet. And…dear god. His keyboard is disgusting. Ew. Entirely.

+ When I don’t sit at the computer for many hours of the day, I get things done. Like cello practicing (ie, I actually practice), and reading, and hanging out with my many wonderful friends, some of whom are only home from Japan for another week, and some of whom are moving, aaaah!!

+ I need to spend as much time as possible with my wisdom teeth before they are extracted. Whenever that may be. Crap. It’s not that they hurt. At all. It’s that there is no space on my bottom teeth for them. Sorry, internet. I need all the wisdom I can get, so this is important. Oh god. I really just don’t want to go through oral surgery.

So, I’ll smell you all later. Depending on when there is a working computer with working internet. That could be like…a week, if the new computer gets to us that fast. Or it could be two weeks, when I move into my apartment. Or it could be longer if I end up not getting internet in my apartment until um later. You have been warned. I will still be checking email and crap, regularly, so if you actually need to get ahold of me, try gnawfox23 [at] gmail. And stuff.


Elvis Has Left The Building

I need to get out of here. I think I may have lost it entirely.

The internet bothers me. AIM bothers me. The state of Illinois bothers me. I’m taking some off-time. If you need to reach me, you either know how or you don’t.

…But Spare My Commemorative Plates!!

Last show of Sound of Music tonight. It’s probably just because it was the last show, but I almost had fun. Despite my being a ass-munch and not paying attention to what I was doing half the time.

That didn’t stop some girl from Normal West to come up to me during intermission, ask where my cello was from and tell me it sounded great. After these last few weeks of being all “new cello, hee!!” and after all these years of studio-mates and musicians going “jeezy creezy does that cello ever suck,” I get to think fondly of my…awesome…still hard-to-play cello. But yeah. I realized that I’m going to miss that thing. This situation also proved that I am a poor business-person. I told her I was selling it, and she seemed interested. Damn me.

I also managed to find this old chip that came out of the thing when I was like 11, wedged in some padding in the case. It was sort of a nostalgic moment, since the place on the cello where the chip came from was repaired a while ago. Nostalgic until I discovered a NEW chip out of that cello. FREAKIN’ A.

Anyway, the show. May I add that the girl who played Gretl is the most RIDICULOUSLY CUTE 5-YEAR-OLD POSSIBLE?? Seriously. Sometimes she’s just not paying attention. And it’s somehow so cute I have to sit down…er…imagine sitting down (since I’m always sitting down during the show, right?). Like, when they have to nudge her to remind her she has a line, I want to go hand her a cookie. There was one part in the show tonight, the part where the von Trapp children are starting to sing “My Favorite Things” since they’re sad that Maria is gone, they stop 8-measures into the number so Gretl can say “why don’t I feel any better?” And I swear that at least 3/4 the audience went “AAAAAW.”

Also, I may not have mentioned that Captain von Trapp was AAAAAH (not a good AAAAAH). He just had this way of…not acting…that really made part of the show…not believable. The only thing I really want to mentioned that amused me was at the end, when Rolf found the family in the courtyard of the Abbey while they were being searched for by the Germans (note: if I am spoiling the Sound of Music for you, that is just too bad. Moreover, if I am spoiling the sound of Music for you, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU AND WHY HAVEN’T YOU SEEN IT?!), and Leisl is standing in front of the family. The moment he points the gun at her, Captain von Trapp saunters over to her, grasps her shoulders and stands behind her with his head over her shoulder, his face looking distressed with a sort of “take my daughter but SPARE MY COMMEMORATIVE PLATES” way. And…what kind of a stance is that for a protective father to take? That’s all.

After the show I went to congratulate the cast members I knew, and I got to say a good word to Jenny, the girl who played Maria (who was AWESOME in every way). And…she was so nice. I wanted to die. I want for this woman to be my mother.

I also got to talk to Mrs. Corpus (who was Frau Schroeder), which was cool. I told her it was great finally getting to see her on-stage after having been supervised by her in madrigals and jazz and concert choir for three years. She said that the most nerve-wrecking part was knowing that her students and people from school were seeing her. I can understand that feeling. It’s easier for me to play for total strangers than for people who expect things from me. She said that when one of her students came up and said “wow! you can really do stuff!” she responded with something “yes!! they know I don’t suck!” She also said she would be calling on me for my bass-playing services. Which…dear god. Why does that make me so happy? Why does playing concerts at my old high school make me so happy? What I’m hoping secretly is that I’ll be called in to play bass for the jazz choirs again, because that was AWESOME when I did it my senior year.

Tonight was just good. I feel opposingly better from the way I felt last night.

But one thing. Internet, why are you pissing me off so much lately?