I just realized that I don’t love Oatmeal the same way I used to. And I don’t quite know how to feel about that. I think it might have had something to do with the dorms and their dining services, but I don’t know. This sudden oatmeal apathy is kind of alarming.
As always, I am the ever-contemplating Talia. Behold my latest over-contemplation.
This past year I think I’ve accomplished a pretty big thing, for me. Or maybe even, TWO pretty big things. One cello and one people. With the cello one, I learned how to work in a manner that best suits me and really gets things done. I’ve also learned how to really get along with everybody. Er, I think, anyway. It’s weird, when you hear the things that people have said about you, through others. And when they turn out to be only good things. I should mention, one of the most amusing things that happened this year was when I needed a letter of recommendation from Brandon, and he had like five minutes to put one together. So I get this hand-written 5-line letter, stating that I’m a good musician, yadda yadda, but above all that I am popular among my peers and…some of us had a good laugh over this. Especially when I said “what, after I threatened to MURDER THEM ALL??” about this.
Seriously, though. I am the most paranoid person I know. I’m convinced that people hate me. And that’s usually what gets in the way of my ability to get along with people. If I suspect that someone less-than-likes me, I am more than likely going to become the biggest recluse in the world, as experience tells me. But that didn’t really happen this year. There was one time where it almost happened, but then I just went “eh, screw this. it just doesn’t matter what other people think.” And…you know. That’s good.
But on the other hand, there are some things I need to try and avoid this year. Mainly, being influenced by other musician peers of mine and how they approach um…life. Because, yes. Now that I realize it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, and just not care what other people think, I need to apply this attitude towards my productivity in music, a little more. It seems like all my friends and studio-mates practice whenever they get a chance, or 6 hours, or some number of hours that doesn’t seem like a whole lot of fun. I also notice that a lot of people are very hard on themselves, and seem to think that if they’re not hard on themselves they won’t get anywhere.
And that’s a bunch of crap. I need to not feel guilty about practicing around 3 hours every day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. That number suits me well. If I’m practicing more than that, it means I’m not being productive. Keeping the hours down and keeping the sessions shorter means I manage to work faster and more efficiently and always have the energy to get what I need done without warping my brain. I need to not make it hard on myself. This summer has been odd, because I haven’t been practicing too many hours in the day (bah, 1-2), but I haven’t had a SINGLE thought about Rococo being hard. Mostly I think “…these are just notes. I know where they all are. playing them shouldn’t be a problem.” And it’s not. And now I’ve learned the entire Rococo Variations and it is NOT. HARD. It’s fun. And in no way does it make me crazy.
And that’s a big problem. If people would just…stop freaking out and believe that they can play the crap…then I think they’ll be able to.
On the other hand, I finally got ahold of the music for the Brahms double concerto today and OH MY GOD. It’s so…just…I don’t think this will be possible in one month’s time. It’s so hard. I mean, it IS a concerto on its own. I know I just said that if you believe that you can play something, it will make it more reasonable to actually be able to play it. But, hey. There are limits. Such as time. If I were going to perform this at the end of the semester as opposed to the end of August, and if I had a teacher to help me through it, that would be a completely different situation. I mean, also, I’m only 19. I haven’t suffered and bled yet, metaphorically and musically speaking. There are some things I still don’t believe I’m mature enough as a person to play. And this might be one of those things.
Okay. Crap. It’s late and I have Batman waiting for me upstairs. And…JaMeg are home tomorrow!!!! Sakes Alive!!