Yeehaw

listening to: ampop – rodent

(note: this entry is posted late because HAHA I posted it to the wrong blog. Yeah, shaddup)

HahahahHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I totally understand how to construct a layout using almost all CSS now and [insert laughter similar to the above here]

Yes. I am satisfied, and I feel like there’s NOTHING I can’t do right now except perhaps play the stupid Lalo cello concerto and…oh. I should really get around to that seeing as I have a lesson on aheh Tuesday. God, I’m stupid.

Anyway, the last show of Candide was today and it was about fricking time. I ran into Anne on my way back to Allen after the show, and we both took one look at eachother, started dancing around, and hollering our joy. YAY. Then we went out to eat and talked about stupid summer program crap and teacher glop and quartet junk.

Yeehaw. The end.

Yahrzeit For Nana

I talked to my mother tonight, after Candide. As it turns out, my dad’s mother passed away on Friday morning. She was at least 95, though at some point she lied about her age in order to work, so nobody’s really sure. She had been suffering from Alzheimers for at least 10 years. It was fortunate timing that my father was in Los Angeles when it happened. He actually got to be with her before she passed.

I was never close to my grandmother (who we have always referred to as “Nana” in our house). Mostly because of the distance. She probably never saw me in her life more than five times, and I know for certain that I only remember two or three of those times. The last time I saw her was when I flew out to L.A. with my Dad when I was eleven. I’m not certain I can remember that she knew who I was at that point, though she certainly still knew my Dad. And she certainly was Jewish and motherly. These last three or four years, she couldn’t even recognize him.

So I have to say that it feels strange to supposedly lose a loved-one and not be as directly affected by it as I should be. I feel placeless. It’s kind of hard not to feel disconnected from my Dad’s side of the family when Nana was the only one out there. No siblings. No other relatives. Not like my Mom’s side of the family, that occupy a small chunk of Upstate New York by themselves. I guess I shouldn’t feel bad. But at the same time I feel like I should be doing something, though, to commemorate or mourn or…something. I’m not sure of the proper Jewish mourning tradition. I feel placeless the same way I did when my Mother’s Mom died, a few year’s back, where I sat through a Catholic service unable to quite grasp any of the significance because…well…hi. I’m a heathen.

I wish I could at least be there for my Dad right now.

I also wish I knew more of Judaism. I’m distantly acquainted with it, my entire family having gone to the Synagogue for a while when I was just a little twerp. Meh.

It’s been occurring to me a lot, recently, that I know very little about my Dad’s side of the family. I never even met my grandfather, as he died before I was even born. I should really just…ask.

Hmm Hmm Hmm Secret

listening to: rasputina – the new zero

Opera last night was rock-tastic. There was an awesome crowd, and they all had awesome reactions to the hilarity of the show. Really fricking hilarious. Seriously. Go see it if you’re in the C-U area.

I’m having really crazy adventures in CSS, but I think I may actually be absorbing something beneficial from it, so whoo me or something along those lines. Oh, but I shouldn’t mention that. It’s a supposed secret. All I can say is IMPORTANT BIRTHDAY and MARCH 3RD.

Crap. I hate it when I wait to blog and then I forget everything awesome that was supposed to have stayed on my mental pallette. Damn you, brain!

Dial: Revenge

listening to: mogwai – dial: revenge

So apparently “dial” in Welsh translates to “revenge”, so when Welsh-speakers are ever in a phone-both and the word “dial” appears flashes before them, they see the word “revenge”. Concluding statement: I love Mogwai.

I just accepted the invitation to play a gig next Thursday in Middle-of-Nowhere, Illinois, over two hours South from here. Is it sad that I’m excited?

I think I’m figuring out what my deal is, a little more specifically than just “being grumpy”. I am specifically socially-paranoid and pessimistic. When I mention pessimism, I keep in mind the fact that I am always a pessimist. I always expect the worst outcome automatically. Just usually not paired with any feelings of malice or bitterness. So then when something turns out for the better, even by a slight bit, there is cause to be happy and grateful for the outcome. So, I am a happy pessimist.

Er, usually. Lately I’m vengeful at almost everything that moves. And far more cynical than is healthy or normal for me. So…yeah. Dear brain, please function normally again.

On a different note, I am rediscovering my web-savviness. I signed up a while back on del.icio.us, but I hadn’t started posting links until today! Behold: del.icio.us/gnawfox23.

Saa, Haikensashite Kudasai

listening to: shiina ringo – souretsu

Hahahahahahaha *dances around and stabs people in the eye*

No, seriously. What is my freaking problem?! I’m a stupid grump, and for no good reason. I mean, I’ve grown pretty accustomed to my tendancies of grumpiness, over the years. What I’ll do is notice things that bother or anger me, but ignore them until suddenly one stupid moment in time triggers all of these things to kick me in the ass and turn me into a crazy bitch. Either that, or I’ll just react to something moderate, but get over it and continue being my merry self.

So why does EVERYTHING get on my nerves right now? Why do I feel useless and unwanted?! I receive daily proof that I am neither of those things. Seriously. My stupid brain thinks that people hate me! I don’t understand why people are my friends! Arrrrgh.

Whatever. I’m coping. I think I might be especially weird at the moment because I’m being kind of hard on myself after a lesson. I need to stop doing that. I would be far less satisfied with a lesson in which I played everything perfectly than a lesson where I really got something drilled into my head. I think I’m just mad at myself for not paying more attention to certain “very important” things I’d heard in prior lessons, and then have them repeated to me anew and think “god damn! Why was I too lazy to pick that up the first time?!”

I’m done now. Just needed a random blog-rant. Although, by the time this appears as a published entry for me, I’ll probably feel better. CRUEL WORLD.

Kono Hana Ga Saku…

listening to: tokyo jihen – sounan

I’m feeling just a tad bit TO HELL WITH FIREFOX.

Not only do I not get updated entries here, but now my lj friends page is ceasing to update unless I check it with Safari first. Tyranny, I say.

Errr…distracted by theory homework.

I just finished my theory assignment and…I wish you (“you” as in readers, blog, myself upon reading entry later and having forgotten everything twelve-tone related, whatever) could see it in all it’s messy splendor. The score is all marked over and circled and COLOR-CODED. I COLOR-CODED my score. The twelve-tone matricy even looks good. And for the analysis questions, I ended up using big impressive words that imply I’m smart. Actually, I have this tendancy to use big words when I’m excessively tired, naturally weirded out by having to talk in front of people, or just full of crap. You can probably guess the reason this time (hint: it is not tired or talking in front of people…).

So I ran my html-code through the official Word Wide Web Consortium‘s html 4.0 validator and…yeah. There is some WEIRD CRAP happening in my template mark-up. Admittedly, I think the validator was extremely annoyed with all of the messy code for yaccs comments, as well as some unidentifiable blogger code. But still. I’m concerned…or something.

Kaekurisareru shobyou mujou, yomigaeru seiteki shoudo.

EAT IT, INDISTINGUISHABLE JAPANESE (Mukai-style) RAP. TALIA OWNZ YOU.

Time + Atonal Music + Caffeine = No Please

listening to: shiina ringo – ringo no catalogue

My horoscope for today kind of freaks me out because…well…yes:

The array of stars in your heaven will occur in your very own sign — which means you’re going to be so darned emotional, you probably won’t recognize yourself. You’re also going to be feeling extremely rebellious, so anyone who tries to challenge you or test you — well, they’ll soon learn that that wasn’t the best idea they’ve ever had. You’ll let ’em have it with both barrels. And well you should. No more Mr. Nice Guy!

RAWR, EVERYONE, I EAT YOUR BRAINS–er, I’m nice.

I had the weirdest experience this afternoon during music theory. It had to do with the passage of time, a 12-tone matrix, and caffeine. Never again, with the high amounts of caffeine.

I had a horrible, horrible thought. That I can never view my updated entries (still a problem) because of some moderate (or even completely major) code-discrepency in my template. At first I was like “oh my god that means I need to redesign like RIGHT NOW but I don’t have time for that and blah and *walks into pole*” But now I see that I could always just go to the template and search for things manually. I could even run the code through an html-validation thing, if I want to be really hard on myself for how bad my use of html was in designing the original layout.

But…it doesn’t make sense to me that I can’t view my recent updates and yet THE REST OF THE WORLD can. Frlowl. I mean…you know.

Bring Out The Maypole And Tie Me Up And Shut Me Out

listening to: voltaire – dunce

Aaargh! People are idiots! And I’m a real pushover.

But…but…PUBLISHING! I CAN VIEW MY ENTRIES! THANK YOU, PUBLISHING GOD!

We’re getting into the Meiji/Taisho periods in my Japanese Society class. This is the point in time at which Japan begins importing technology, architecture, and aspects of Western culture faster than you can say Sanrio. Watching footage and seeing photos, I can honestly say it’s a bigger East/West clash than I could have imagined. Being as most of my knowledge and understanding of Japan is 20th century-based from manga, music and television, it’s even more fascinating than I thought to see the old roots merge with the new and turn out this bi-product East Asian country that I know as Modern Japan. Kyra’s also in this class, and I enjoy her reactions to Japan. Because…very few of Japan’s foibles manage to outright surprise me, anymore. We were talking about the image of the woman in the 1920’s, and jobs they occupied. So when the professor mentioned that a bus-girl was considered a very sexy occupation for a woman, Kyra went “I will never understand Japan,” whereas I went “that is so Japan.

(aside: you will never know the true absurdity of Japan until you read anything by Ihara Saikaku, in my opinion. Well, anything but the financial dealies, because it’s kind of hard to take on the full knowledge or um…caring that is required to understand currency and finance during the Edo period)

I am so neurotic. Nothing you didn’t already know. But…I genuinely accepted this fact last night, that I’m neurotic. I didn’t just go “geeze I’m crazy” and then continue to be upset and weird for no apparent reason. I sort of went “Hey…I must be freaking out for other reasons besides life getting to me. Reasons such as MY BODY HATES ME.” Because seriously, life is good and up until the last few days, I fully understood and embraced this fact. There is no reason for me to feel unloved or persecuted or annoying or ANYTHING like that, here. So…now that I have the fact in mind that everything is ACTUALLY okay, and that the freaking out is all in my head, things are better.

Something I greatly feel the need to promote here: Kottke has gone full-time with his blog. Which is you know, awesome.

Urusei Yo

listening to: pizzicato five – loudland!

I need to calm the crap down.

Given, I am totally doing better than I was last night. Oh god.

It’s just weird. Because lately I feel like I’ve been living on the edge of my chair in anticipation of…something. I don’t know what. It’s like my life isn’t full of enough stuff, so I’m just stressing myself out by waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know. I feel kind of useless lately, too. Maybe that’s because I haven’t been getting practicing done, what with opera rehearsals, and that makes me weird. Maybe it’s because I’m a psycho bitch who just wants to monopolize the attentions of particular persons, and that makes me weird. Um…forget I said anything.

Crap. Where did my point go?

Whatever. I should probably go try to finish homework. *snerk* Bwahaha, who am I kidding.

P.S. Be glad you don’t have to live with me. Poor Kerry.

Aaaagggrrrrlllllnnn

listening to: rem – the wrong child

According to various sources, the latest entries on my blog are actually viewable. That is everybody but ME! AAAAGGGRRRRLLLLLNNN.

I’ve tried different browsers, I’ve tried replublishing, I’ve tried different varieties of yelling. All yield NO PUBLISHING. And…great. Other people can view my blog. Good for them. Dammit, it’s my blog. I gain no satisfaction if I can’t view my own stupid entries. SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE F?!

Anyway, carry on. I’m just going to continue floating in blogger-void…

Publishing Pleeze

listening to: rem – ignoreland

I had the best dream last night. I dreamt that Lucia and Nathan had found my house, and that we were standing around in the brick road next to it when Lucia suddenly jumped into this puddle. And then Nathan and I did, too. So we were splashing around in puddles outside my house and being very messy. And then my dad came out of the house a little bit frantic, and I was assuming he was going to yell at us for getting mud on the Jetta, which was parked in the street (and is white). But instead he announced something about his visiting Jewish friend, and how things might be getting REALLY JEWISH in the house, so to be careful if we came back in.

So…it’s over.

Maan. I am acting like such a basketcase lately. Or, at least I was last night. I actually feel really good this morning, and I have no way of letting people know I’m not crazy because THERE IS NO PUBLISHING.

PUBLISH PLEEZE

One Day There Will Be Publishing

listening to: number girl – sakura no dansu

I love how randomized iTunes will NOT STOP PLAYING NUMBER GIRL.

I love how I seem to have totally confused some ftp path with another when attempting to change stuff for the Great Frowl Change-over of 2005. This leads to you know…not as much publishing as I would like.

I especially love how for the next symphony concert, Kyra and I are sitting fourth stand together and cut for half of the concert (only stands 1-3 for Schumann). Just…who thought THAT was a good idea? I mean, we’re both pretty good kids. When we aren’t sitting next to eachother and plotting trouble or…well…freaking out. Because we both do a lot of that.

Ooh, and now iTunes is playing Hooverphonic.

Morning Verification Of Superb Awesomeness

So I was getting breakfast –which I sometimes do– and I see they’re serving oatmeal. And…I mean, you know how I am about oatmeal. So anyway, I’ve put my oatmeal in a bowl –as is customary for holding oatmeal among other things– and find the brown sugar. I don’t really need anything in my oatmeal except a bit of brown sugar, to give it the slightest amount of taste. And they put the brown sugar into one of those giant salt-shaker doo-dads. Which is annoying because you have to tap on the thing while it’s upside-down to get a decent amount out. So I’m tapping, when suddenly the entire top of the container falls off and goes straight into my oatmeal, along with like…all of the contents of the container.

Nobody saw me do it as far as I know, and I was at a loss of exactly what to do. So I salvaged as much of the brown-sugar as I could, but pretty much left a precarious mess for one of the dining-people (eh, they’d have been the ones to clean it up anyway). But…I was SOOOO amused by this, for some reason. Like, it took me five minutes to stop sniggering to myself.

It’s sad that I felt the need to blog this. At 8:30am. When I should have been practicing like a half-hour ago. Stupid soul-consuming Friday.

Oh Noooesss My Soul

listening to: rem – wolves, lower (live)

Hey, look. I’m listening to non-japanese weird stuff.

Just a bit ago, it occurred to me how terribly awesome tomorrow is going to be. Tomorrow:

10: Japanese culture test
11: quartet rehearsal
1: Music History test
2: cello lesson
3-6: opera rehearsal

FRIDAY: *SOUL-EATING*
TALIA: OH NOOOESSS MY SOUL

That’s okay. It happens. It’s school. And it’s really just the concentrated amount of instant live-up-to-expectations stuff that kind of freaks me out. Not the fact that I actually have stuff going on. I don’t mind actually having stuff going on. I’m just having amusing thoughts about my cello lesson.

Brandon: So, can you play Popper No. 9 yet?
Talia: Maybe…but first, let me wow you with my knowledge of the how the modern piano came to be, or the screwiness of Tokugawa-era Japan!
Brandon: Oooh, so distracted!

Or…

Brandon: Oh my god, did I assign you a Popper etude?! *forgets everything previously assigned* Was it no. 6?!
Talia: … *lies* Yes. Yes it most definitely was.
Talia: < -- played no. 6 for like two months last semester
Talia: Whee! Look at me! It’s even memorized.
Brandon: Wow! You’re amazing. And totally honest with me about everything! You never have to play Popper again!!

Okay, so the second amusing-thought about my cello lesson is quite unprobable. But kind of fun to think about.

Honestly, if I can get all of the crap done this weekend that needs doing, life will be so much easier and less stressful come next week. Especially with all these opera-thingies going on.

Bwah! Why am I blogging! I need to be reading! GO READ.

Compulsive Blogging Action

listening to: luminous orange – utatane no hibi

This qualifies for best song EVAR. I love you, Luminous Orange. You’re like Pizzicato Five, Bonnie Pink and Number Girl melded into one. Is “meld” even a word, or am I just making up words on the basis of they’re similar to others (“melt”)? Oh, it totally is a word (heh, second one down). I rock.

Aaaawn. I discovered this morning that 9am practicing is only productive when I’ve had enough sleep. I really wish I could sleep.

I have no idea why I’m blogging right now. I think this was just my compulsiveness taking some action.

Apparently Even Homer Nods Sometimes

listening to: number girl – mangasick

So…I was just listening to this song, and I heard the word “kappa”. And I wanted to see how many various definitions “kappa” I would come across (note: “kappa” is a type of water-demon, and noted by my J-E dictionary to be a “good swimmer”). So I looked in my kind of crazy electronic Japanese-English dictionary (JEDict), which tends to have a lot of obscure definitions and references. About two lines down from the water-demon definition, I came across this one:

河童の川流れ [かっぱのかわながれ] (romanji: kappa no kawanagare), translated as “Even Homer sometimes nods”

What?!

JEDict, I don’t understand you! Let’s deconstruct.

河童 or kappa – water monster that swims well according to dictionary.
川 – river
流れ – current, flow

Which means that this literally translates to “kappa’s river-flow”.

I repeat…WHAT?!

So yeah, in case you were wondering.

Fricking Dammit

listening to: brainiac – nothing ever changes

So…my sister’s boyfriend got his doctoral degree here. He also got his undergrad at Oberlin and his masters at Minnesota, thus how he and my sister know eachother. He lives in Chicago now, but I guess plays in Sinfonia de Camera, and thus comes back occasionally.

And…I’ve never met the guy. Back in May when I was tearing my hair out with deciding whether or not to transfer, he actually called me (if you recall reading of a certain mystery person in my archives, that was him), and we had a twenty-minute conversation about just…random stuff, the University of Illinois being included to a high degree in that assortment of random stuff. I also saw him onstage with the Peoria Symphony, but I’ve never met him face-to-face.

Since he’s been around at the U of I, a lot of music students know him, particularly Katherine from my string quartet. In fact, just two nights ago, we were talking about him, and I was saying that I’d never met the guy and didn’t quite even know what he really looked like, or if he actually existed on in the same dimension that I live in.

So last night, I’m practicing on the 4th floor after we finish rehearsing Prokofiev, and as I’m settling into a practice-room, I see Katherine talking to some tall violinist-guy with dark hair, and I thinks to myself “hmmm. could that POSSIBLY be Andrew, my sister’s elusive boyfriend?” And this guy and Katherine walk RIGHT PAST ME, and Katherine says something about our rehearsal, but no introductions or comment or anything. So I figured maybe it was all just in my head.

Until today when I was talking to Kyra and she told me that was DEFINITELY Andrew, as he’s playing with Sinfonia this week and AAAAH.

I’m going to yell at Katherine today, because…well…yeah! Would really like to meet this guy I had random good conversation with who is dating my sister! Even something along the lines of “Hey, Andrew, this is your crazy girlfriend’s loserly little sister who is in my quartet” would have been nice. Maybe Katherine thought that he would say something to ME. But I mean, he doesn’t know what I really look like, either. I am the polar opposite of my sister in pigment and favored-colors (she is red, I am green). The only feasible connection he could have made is the fact that I sound JUST LIKE her.

So I feel like an idiot. I have his cell-phone number programed into my phone. I’m considering just calling him and being like “yeah. i don’t mean to be weird by just randomly calling you –though you are dating my sister so you MUST be acquainted with weird– but I TOTALLY SPOTTED YOU IN THE MUSIC BUILDING LAST NIGHT and had NO IDEA WHO YOU WERE. That’s all.”

*stomps around*

Talia: *Lose-Things*

listening to: number girl – super young (DAMN THEM)

No longer crazy.

I don’t know what my problem was (is). Although, I was definitely thinking about some crap as I was laying in bed listening to Luminous Orange and wondering why the f I couldn’t fall asleep. Things like my massive trust issues. It seems that I just can’t trust anybody, no matter what I do or what they do. Even in little ways. In fact, the little ways are worse to me. I wish there were some way I could tell myself to shut up or some mind-set that could remedy the way I feel, but how does a relative introvert go about something like that? And also, why the hell didn’t this bother me before last night?! I mean…maybe it’s just because I’ve never outright realized what my deal was but…still!

Anyway, stuff.

I hate my lose-things syndrome. There are lots of things I can’t find right now, that I would particularly like to find in order to remedy my being an academic bum.

I need to remember not to blog before like…noon, on any given day after getting less than 6 hours of sleep. asdf;lkj

Yowai

listening to: buffalo daughter – sky high

random amusing quotes: “giri/ninjou. desire versus duty. i’ll remember that because I desire a ninja” –Kyra

“HAHAHA. JIM SELF. If you use the Spanish pronunciation of Jim, then you have Him Self” –Kyra

“how goes it at the table of slack-dom? even though slack-dom is definitely not an actual word. we shouldn’t even call it a table anymore. you are sitting at the cat of slack-dom” –Ben

I miss Ben. He needs to be my piano-accompanist more often.

No, no Zazen Boys entry, yet. I’m currently amongst the brain-dead so the automatic answer is “no”.

I hate it when one tiny, miniscule detail that is of no consequence to me and should mean absolutely NOTHING to me personally brings my day to NEW LOWS. Just…brain, what is the problem?! Oh wow. That helped. I’ll have to yell at myself more often.

It doesn’t help that people are utter tools and unknowingly make life difficult for multiple people just because they’re “thinking of themselves”. I mean, there’s a degree to which people NEED to think about themselves. But…coursework, and especially music-interaction. Yearg.

This is one of those days where I wish I had somebody I could whine about random stuff to. It’s not that I don’t have friends. It’s not that I feel bad about whining (thbbbt). I think it’s that I don’t really trust anybody, anymore. There was a point where I used to think people were sincere and actually making some sort of effort to understand where I was coming from when I had something to get off my chest. Not so. I mean, I know it’s not always the case that people are insincere and only there for self-interest. But…experiences stick. I currently have a particular few stuck in my mind. Dammit. I’m still angry about some of the stuff that went down last year.

What am I blabbing about? Nobody knows what I’m talking about. Or even cares. And that’s the way it should be. I hate it when I’m in a bad mood and decide to dwell and then blog and make people wonder what is wrong with me. Bitter rambles should be contained to the private book. SELF, WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A LITTLE JERK TODAY? Hmm. Not so effective this time, the yelling-at-self.

*bares teeth* RAAR.

Katie – I’m amused that Aaron’s mom actually wrote “here’s your god-damn pony”. Also, we could split a mother between the two of us. It would cost less. Or…something.

*edit* I am stabbing blogger SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

No Change

listening to: royksopp – so easy

Nothing has changed in the last 12 hours. I am still a hopeless bum. All those years at home with my parents yelling at me not to be lazy. Where are they now?

Get Me A God-Damn Spaceship

listening to: number girl – haikara kurui (live)

I’m a bum. An unfortunate bum trapped in the body of a college-student with obligations and a crapload to get done. I remember making a post last year about how I still need a mother, and how I am a bum. Oh look. I posted that very entry almost one year ago. So maybe this is just an annual occurance. This state of being in which I am incapable of doing ANYTHING.

I still want to blog my Zazen Boys entry, but I hit a major musical distraction last night with Luminous Orange. They’re really good. Uplifting, but not in a sappy, warm-and-fuzzy sort of way. They’re just…good. That’s all I can come up with.

There are a lot of things I want to do. I want to finish working on this damn new layout. I want to play Kingdom Hearts. I want to finish reading Deathstalker Coda. I want to find people who matter and tell them important things.

I want a pony. I want a space-ship! NYAH NYAH NYAH. ALL ABOUT ME.

I made ice-cream this weekend. It was really good.

100_1598

But The–Adda–Wibba…

listening to: zazen boys – instant radical

CRAP! What am I supposed to think about this?!

Being as nobody knows what I’m talking about…let me just point out that “Instant Radical” is definitely like…the BEST SONG THAT NUMBER GIRL PUT TOGETHER AS DEMO. And this is definitely done by Zazen Boys. And I definitely think I like former version, better. Maybe because it’s 2 minutes longer.

Gah. I’m so internally confused. This is just…the ultimate Japanese punk-rock tangent. I think need to listen to something non-Number Girl related.

*sob*

*update* I have discovered yet another Japanese punk-band: Luminous Orange.

CRAP, people.