Dag, Yo!!

Renata and I had the best conversation, ever. Behold.

renata: dude, the fake sword club.. thing.. here is called dagohir

renata: but everyone calls it dag

renata: and i just want to be like.. dag, yo!

renata: and.. it cracks me up.

talia: HAhahaha…that amuses me greatly

talia: Dag…

renata: yeah. hee.

talia: you should join it ^^

renata: iii don’t think so

renata: i’ll just like.. cheer them on

talia: haha

renata: “dag, yo! daaaag!”

talia: =) that works, too


renata: “you all look SOOOO GOOD!”

renata: “arrrrowed!”

talia: hahahaha *dies*

renata: and i’ll be the cheerleader!

renata: now i just need so and so, what’s her face, and the ugly one!

talia: I’ll be what’s her face!!

talia: Because I keep seeing possums everywhere!!

renata: yaay!

renata: does your blood hurt?

talia: i would say so

talia: i would also like to say it that my favorite thrift shops smell like grandmas

renata: let’s get some pan-asian cuisine!

talia: MSGed!!!!!

talia: I’m so putting this conversation on my blog =)

renata: me too!

Oh, the nerdiness of it all!

Really Bad Idea

*taps foot* The comments…the comments…why aren’t the comments working…? Not that people comment unless I whine at them, in the first place…

I wrote the first substantial entry in my private book yesterday, for the first time since ARIA. It made me feel really good. Hmm. For those people out there who are going “so what?”, I have to mention that at my four weeks at ARIA, I wrote something over 80 pages. It was absurd. But it kept me rather content. Mmm. Booking.

I noticed something. Usually, if I’m ever super-tense, stressed, or full of anxiety, I feel better after a good night’s sleep. That’s generally how it’s always been. I go crazy, I go to sleep, I remember little of the craziness in the morning. But for some reason, it’s been the opposite, lately. I’ll go to bed feeling really content, pretty happy, and then I’ll wake up and feel completely crappy! I haven’t figured out what the problem is yet, but I’m probably just going really crazy over the fact that I’m still new to everything here, and completely uncomfortable with it. Sigh.

*pause for completely random watching of UFO program on History Channel*

Um. So. I practiced yesterday. It was soooo good. I have my edge back, completely. And I don’t want to sound overly confident about my own playing, but damn, I sound better than I used to!! I mean, there are definitely still some very vital technical things I learned from ARIA that I’m ignoring again, but I must have retained something, even after that three-week period in which I didn’t play. It felt so good. Momentarily, cello seems to be one of a few things that make me extremely happy. Whee!

listening to: bjork – joga (live at the royal opera house)

Dear self,


So yesterday, in the insanity of it all (IE, changing classes, yelling at the music office), I completely overlooked the first cello-seminar, for which I had seen a flyer on Tony’s door when I scheduled my lesson the other day. I even wrote it down in my stupid agenda-thing. But did I bother to look at my agenda? NO! Admittedly, though, part of the reason I didn’t remember was because it was at 12:30, which is, first of all, the time in the day in which my Geoscience lab would normally be, and 12:30 isn’t a normal time for things like that, in my brain. But really, those are poor excuses. I’m just stupid, in the end.

Anyway, I realize this about halfway through Symphony, when we’re stopped, and think what may have been a straight minute of “shit shit shit shit shit!!!”. So I turn to my (awesome) standpartner, Kathryn, and pretty much freak out at her. “I missed the seminar! I missed the seminar! Tony’s going to hate me! AAAAH!”. Kathryn just sort of looks at me and says “Oh. All the freshmen failed to show up. Don’t worry. Tony laughed at you guys and said that you must have been helplessly lost like the freshmen you are or something…so…don’t fret!”. I still feel rather stupid. I’ve never missed something like that before! URRRG!

I’m going to stop right there.

listening to: rem – paint it black (live)

Today is…hmm…well, first of all, my computer decided it wouldn’t read the drivers for my printer, thus keeping me from printing things (such as online notes for Geoscience that our teacher requested we print), despite the fact that I most DEFINITELY installed all necessary software, and even tested the damn thing twice. I don’t understand the problem. So I’m going to call a tech person to fix it.

And…rr…I’m really frustrated. First off, the fact that fact that the music office supposedly has no more lockers. Now, were this campus not huge and steep-hill inclusive, I’d probably grumble a little bit but fess up and mindlessly end up hauling it back and forth from my room. But this is not the case, and I’ve got to say, going down the hill behind my dorm is no problem, but coming up it most certainly is. It’s like…this sudden pretty steep incline that I can’t even get up on my bike without momentum. Then there are a lot of steps. And the a bit more of a hill to the main dorm entrance. And then two flights of stairs. It really sucks, and won’t work through the winter, no matter what they say. Plus the fact that my schedule is tight and I’m going to have to make completely random runs to the music building from the pentacrest in the first place. Then there’s the fact that I can’t participate in chamber music. It’s just because of my schedule, mostly, and the fact that there are a good eight cellos already signed up.

On a side note, I’m happy with all my classes, but am seriously considering dropping Geoscience. I was uninformed that I had to participate in Philharmonia in addition to the symphony, so I’m doing 17 hours, still. And…crap…I don’t think I can maintain 30 pages of reading per night in addition to practice, rhetoric, and *sob* music theory. Music theory really has my ass on a plate, and it’s only the fourth day. I’d feel pissed that I was placed into it without feeling prepared, but then I figure, if I passed the test, I obviously have some ability with music theory. That and…well, even if I were still in remedial, I’d only end up taking this next year, as opposed to doing it all, now.

So…is this science class and it’s reading and labs worth it?

listening to: rem – the wrong child (live)

Had my audition – managed 10th chair (out of 18?). I played Dance of the Elves, which went surprisingly well considering I hadn’t touched it since before ARIA finished, and am still in rusty shape on the cello, in general. But then, I think I actually got back into the swing of my own playing during that audition, like while I was playing Dance of the Elves. I was surprised at my lack of nerves through this audition, though! I mean, it was both cello teachers, the remaining string faculty, and then Dr. Jones (conductor) sitting in on me.

I have so little to do, today. Geoscience labs don’t start until next Wednesday, and I dropped Piano I (even though that was cancelled for today, anyway), so I really don’t have anything until orchestra at 3:30. And then I’m going to eat with Miriam at Hillcrest tonight, which will be fun (and exciting considering Hillcrest food is supposed to be much better than Burge food, which I must admit, does suck immensely). Hmm. I thought I might have been able to go home this weekend. Not because I wanted to go home, but because there’s still quite a bit that I want to bring back here with me (as well as taking care of a credit/checking account). But my parents are going to drive out on Monday, instead, and bring me any provisions I need. It’s nice of them, though not as thorough as it would be if I could get my crap. Oh well. In any case, I plan on doing some serious exploring this weekend, because I need to get out of my room. As much as I love my computer and its incredibly fast connection, I’m afraid I’ll never see anything if I spend all my time with it in here. Though I am kind of worried because of the first football game on Saturday. Blah, Big Ten Football. It’s supposed to be a complete zoo-house this weekend. Sob.

Okay, so all need to go to Neil’s blog and read about a nasal cat. I almost died from amusement when I first read it. Oh, now I love Neil…

listening to: bjork – enjoy (over the edge mix)

Blech! I lost an entry!

So geoscience was pretty cool. I’m excited to be taking a science class that I take interest in, instead of a forced topic such as chemistry or physics. Especially since this doesn’t involve any distressing math. The professor seems really cool, too. He opened his powerpoint by playing “I am a Rock” by Simon and Garfunkel, and anybody who does that automatically gets my vote! The class is a two-day a week lecture, and then another two days of labs, and true lectures are a little bit of a bother because there are so many damn people, but I have convidence that I’ll keep from going completely crazy.

Eep. I have an audition at 3:20. Sigh. I’m going to attempt to play Dance of the Elves, though I haven’t even touched it since before ARIA finished. It could be ugly, but I’m gonna do it, anyway.

By the way, I just have to mention, all of you friends of mine out there are awesome! I apologize for the different varieties of crazy I’ve been going lately, and I just want to tell you that your advice and comforto and not being annoyed with me mean a LOT! You ROCK THIS BITCH!


listening to: kronos quartet – white man sleeps #2 (kevin volans)

That’s what I need! Angry contemporary music! GRRRR

Well, to start off, I AM AWESOME. I managed to pass out of remedial theory and group piano I! So now I’m actually doing 16 hours this semester, because I have no room for group piano II. That’s good. Really.

Yesterday was the first day of classes, here. I, having gotten practically no sleep on Sunday (not for any particular reason other than the brain and allergies going a little bit crazy), got up to go to my 7:30am rhetoric class. I have to say, my TA is awesome! She’s into folk-ish music, and has a “Java House” t-shirt, so I’m interested to see if she knows who Stuart is. Miriam said her rhetoric TA did. And then I made a completely mad dash to Voxman for music theory and…blah! Dr. Nez is cool, and knows what she’s talking about, and I generally understood what she had to say to the class, however, there seemed to be no point or organization to the information she was handing out. Like, this morning, she was like “okaaay, triads!”, but then suddenly we were writing out diagrams to overtones, and I honestly couldn’t figure out why! The next three weeks are review, and then we go onto new and probably completely confusing things. Exciting.

Then I went to piano, with Dr. Huckleberry, who’s new here. The first thing everybody was asking about was being able to pass out of piano I with a proficiency exam. I was among those students, but when he explained that he was going to give an actual exam from the end of the class, that included scales, chord progressions, transposition and other crap that I’ve never practiced, I kind of had my doubts that I ought to try for it. I mean, I took four or five years of lessons, but they were more for fun than for work. I acquainted myself with the keyboard, but not so much the technicality of the keyboard, or the methods. So I actually went up and asked him if it would be better for me to just take the class, and he said it couldn’t hurt to try, and to sign up for a time. So I took my piano proficiency exam, and only really messed up on two-octave scales. In the end, he seemed pretty confident in my playing and let me pass, but recommended I get the book and work my way through so I’d be completely ready for second semester piano. Dr. Huckleberry is awfully cool. He got his degrees in Germany, and taught there for twenty years, and so I told him about my parents living in Gelsenkirchen, and we had a nice ten-minute conversation. So I’m kind of disappointed I don’t get to be in a class with him this semester, to make up for the random confusion of Dr. Nez.

I ran into my cello teacher (who will now and forevermore be referred to here as “Tony”), who recognized and conversed with me for a while, in the hallway. That made me so happy, because he’s such a great guy! I can’t wait until I get to start studying with him, NEXT WEEK! We actually have a seminar/cello class on Friday, so i guess I’m looking forward to that.

I think I’m doing rather well here. I’ve only experienced a few random moments where I realize I’d rather be at home, but that’s usually only at night when I’m frustrated with the fact that the beds are uncomfortable. Iowa City is such a great place to be, and though the school is crowded and the campus huge, I love the teachers I have! I’ve met some really great people, too! Everybody is so friendly, here. Like, just walking across the campus, I can’t say there’s a single person who I pass that doesn’t smile or acknowledge me in some way, despite the fact that i’m a total stranger! But then, there are moments where I stop and think that it’s great people are so nice, but that I’m ready for actual friends and people to hang out with, then and there. It’s tough, and I guess it require patience.

Anyway, just though I’d give my really crappy blog-summary of the last day or so. Now that I have that out of the way, I’ll have more time for random specific stuff, I suppose.

Wow. I’m kind of amazed at myself. Because I’ve spent the past few weeks convincing myself I’d be miserable and desperate and missing home, and thus freaking out about it in advance. But so far, I’m only occasionally a little uncomfortable. I mean, honestly, it’s nice here. And it’s true that the university is huge, I’m still finding space to myself. I’m a little weirded out by the fact that everybody super-drinks.

Anyway, took my theory test. It wasn’t that bad, and I realize that I have a better ear and internal music sense than a lot of people in the vicinity of…hrrm, at least marching-band. Then I walked around with Miriam in the completely absurd heat! Like, I walked to her dorm, and I told her it was going to take me 20 minutes to get there, but I completely disregarded the size of the campus. Man, is this campus ever huge. And Miriam’s dorm, Slater, is seriously like…on the opposite end of it from Currier. But yeah. We walked around in the absurd heat, as I said before, and got free (and also notably very good) veggie burgers at the Memorial Union. And then I came back here, before going back to the music building to take care of random stuff. And then I saw like…the coolest fire-works display ever.

And really, it’s taken me so long to blog this. I’ve stopped, and then I went out and made a phone-call. Started in the process of taking care of something that’s been bothering me for a looong time. This will either make me want to die for a day or two, or maybe end up without too much strife. Who knows. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Dude…we get NHK in our room!! Holy freaking CRAP!

And um. Well, stuff. I don’t know. Of course I need more time to adjust. Although I did have good night of sleep (and INCREDIBLY taunting dreams last night).

I have my theory diagnostic test, today. And then I think Miriam and I are going to meet somewhere for the picnic along the river, though I haven’t heard from her, yet *sniff*

Sometime soon I’m gonna go figure out where my rhetoric class is, so I maybe get there tomorrow morning before 7:30am.

listening to: edgar meyer/joshua bell – concert duo, mvt 1

Today I successfully moved into my dorm-room, ate excellent salmon, and turned 18.

So uh, after a full day of going completely crazy, yesterday, I managed to pull myself together, pack my completely absurd amount of crap, and leave for school. The three hour drive to Iowa City actually calmed my nerves, quite a bit. We got in around 2, and unpacked with a general amount of ease, and then went out to a really cool Mediteranean-type restuarant, the Atlas. I like my room-mate, very much. She’s intelligent and kind, and I appreciate that more than I can express. So far I’ve been so preoccupied with moving and organizing and um…getting a tad overexcited about my computer and its res-net connection, so I’ve only met my room-mate’s boyfriend, and a couple of random marching-band trumpeters that my dad came across on our way to The Atlas. My room is quite nice, though still monstrously cluttered from my laying-around stuff. The floor is carpeted, there’s air-conditioning, and the beds are (maybe unfortunately) lofted. The bad thing about the lofting is that they’re lofted terribly high, and getting out is a little bit of a trick that I have yet to learn. It saves a lot of room, though. My desk/computer is underneath the bed, which makes me feel like I have a decent lurking-spot, though I keep hitting my head when I stand up (I’m determined to keep track of how many times I do that…3, so far). Other than that, I now have a printer/scanner/copier, and any basically needed appliance for food (fridge, microwave, coffeemaker though I don’t drink coffee), thanks to my room-mate. We also have a TV that gets all kinds of cable, a VCR, and a DVD player. I don’t think I could possibly be any less set for…heh…life.

Hmm. So, this res-net connection is completely amazing. I downloaded Safari (browser), a 6.2mb file in something like 30 seconds. The really cool lady at the front desk who explained it to me warned that the files you download are being monitored, and if anything non-copyrighted is noticed, they disconnect you. And I’m sure I can still like…download mp3s and crap and not have them be noticed, especially since a lot of what I get are live/bootleg tracks, but I’m terribly nervous about it. So I’m going to refrain for at least a little while. But…ker-FROWL!

Yes, so I’m 18 now, which is fine, except my Dad is like “Good! Now you don’t need to come home! And you should know how to do everything that all adults ought to know how to do! You’ll become 100% self-sufficient! Hyuk hyuk!”. As convenient as it would be to automatically be an intelligent, well-knowledged, and self-sufficient person at the exact moment of turning 18, I don’t believe it’s that simple, nor do I wish it were, exactly. In any case, I can VOOOOTE!

Whoa. I have just taken off my shoes. That makes it official: this must be where I live, now.

Teehee, we have DSL! And true, I’m only experiencing the novelty of DSL in my home for one day, but _I_ get a res-net connection, starting tomorrow!

Um. That’s all. Or I could ramble about packing. But I won’t.

Ahaha, I started the Brahms 1st sonata a couple days back, since my mother and I made an Eble Music stop, and I LOOOOVE it! it’s so great! It’s within my technical level, which is nice for a change, so it’s something I can work on musically, and put slow practice to the test with, for simple technicality. Just…aah! I love it, so much! I remember when I used to loathe Brahms, but I think that was when my only exposure to Brahms was the Academic Festival Overature, which had been overplayed, to me. Sigh. Brahms.

Holy crap! My birthday is tomorrow! I honestly didn’t realize this until like…now! Not joking, either. Birthdays have been very slowly meaning less and less every year. Just because school starts for me, and my parents are busy. It’s true, though, my friends have been SOOO good to me in the past, and things aren’t any different this year in that respect, but I think because I’m so randomly distracted by school and packing and cello, it just didn’t occur to me that it was of any importance. But hey, people! I’m going to be 18, tomorrow! That’s supposed to mean something. Adulthood. Funny how I feel about 13 right now. Also funny how the only thing I’m going to do that I couldn’t before is vote! Actually, it’s not funny. It’s AWESOME!!!!! Voting, woohoo!

Hmm. I think my infrequent blogging is really doing a number on my writing quality. I apologize.

I suck for not blogging much (or at all) this week, but I have been pretty busy between orientation and all the other crap going on. I assure all readers that I will be frightened and homesick and completely thrown off enough by this change that I’ll be constantly blogging from school. That’s what happens to me. That’s why I wrote 80 pages over the course of my month at ARIA. I hope the same will occur with all my fellow college-bound blogging colleagues, too, so I may enjoy more writing from them *nod*

My orientation was yesterday. That was good. I can say I’m past the freaking out stages, just because I now have an idea of what’s going to happen with me during the first semester. As it turns out, my schedule is a bit tight. I’m currently set for 16 hours. That’ll be 17 if I pass into theory 1 after my exam on Sunday (which my parents are really hoping for, because the other option is this like…a remedial music theory course). I have 9 required hours for music, only, leaving not exactly a lot of time for gen-ed courses. But maybe that’s a sign that I should be concentratin less on gen-ed this semester. Anyway, because I scored like above a 26 on English/writing on the ACT, I’m in an advanced rhetoric class. Which is good, except for the fact that the last open class was at 7:30am, Monday through Thursday. Ugh. My room-mate is totally going to love living with me. Haha…

But…i don’t know. Just being in Iowa City and seeing everything really calmed me down. I’m still worried, of course, but now that I can at least feasibly imagine where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing, I feel a lot better.

This morning I went out to a very late breakfast with Megan and Michelle. It was much fun, as we relayed stupid stories and revisited a certain incident with “cuban wolves” for much amusement. That’s about all. I’m sorry for such a bare blog. I’ll get back to it immediately next Sunday, I assure all!

I’m very slowly starting to regain my ability to play the cello. I’m having a much more painful time with my thumb than I ought to be, but that’s probably because the strings aren’t as low as they used to be. Still, no matter how much I suck, my cello is prettier than before.

I was going crazy again, this morning, in the college anxiety sort of way. So I decided the best way to kind of get myself to shut up would be a decent exposure to reality. So I went to the U Iowa web-page and just let myself wander and read. I must say, it’s rather nerve-wrecking not to have had any sort of orientation, yet, so maybe that’s part of my problem. In any case, I found out what UI symphony is going to be playing this year, which is good. I read about what’s going on at the Prairie Lights bookstore, which is a lot, which should definitely be fun. Then I found out that Stuart is going to be playing there again on I believe October 18th, a Friday. Just…yeah. I don’t know. I think when I leave myself alone with my ideas of college, they sort of morph into these horrible ideas and misconceptions, which are almost like, hybrids of how I saw ARIA and my sister’s stay at Oberlin. I wish I could walk into this without any stupid ideas. I wish I could just let this happen without freaking out so much. Aaaaah!

Went to the GLT used music sale today, not really expecting to pick up anything of significance. But ah, I managed to find “New Rock” by Buffalo Daughter, helping the growth of my now proficient Japanamerican rock collection. Then I found Yo-yo Ma’s “The New York Album”, which was notable simply because there were about three rows of classical CDs in their entirety, not offering all that much. But coolest of all was that, completely randomly, I came across “Nomen est Numen” (Stuart Davis), which I have a burnt copy of, but simpy HAD to buy anyway, just because I would never ever in a million years have expected to come across anything Stuart there! Yay, $4 CDs!

One last “aaah” for good measure:


Drove to St. Louis this morning with my dad, to pick up my cello. And…aaah! Good god! Is it actually my cello?! Did Bearden seriously not just like…swap my old cello for something one hell of a lot prettier?! And different?! And we just paid a good $400, unknowing?! No, no, it’s actually my cello. But it’s been completely cleaned and revarnished, the edges touched up. The place where a chip had come off a good five years ago has been repaired. Any signs of scratches are no more. In addition, he shaved down my fingerboard, so now maybe the height of the strings off of it will work well for the bridge. He even straightened my bridge and haha…doped my pegs! It’s just a shame that two weeks without being able to practice has made my fingers incredibly unresponsive. An hour of really slow and boring work has left me with the conclusion that Emilio was right: you think it’s your left hand that’s being stupid after a long break, but it’s really the bow hand. My left hand is doing quite well, thank you very much. In any case, I feel so strangely burnt out with music, in so many ways. More than just with the cello. I feel like the only thing that’s even possibly going to seem like fun to me is vocal work, which I highly doubt I’ll have time for this year. If I can fit in choir, great, but between all the other stupid stuff I have to do that’s just between cello-related music/general studies, I’m already kind of screwed. Then, I think having an orientation will help. Har har. I don’t want to go to college.

But…yeah. My dad was highly pissed at me through most of yesterday. Apparently he wanted to make this a “family trip” to St. Louis, and I had been talking to my mom about getting home as soon as humanly possible, for reasons of practicing (and my far more selfish reason of generally being sick of having to be driven places extremely far away when I have to leave for Iowa next Saturday) and such. But then apparently my mom told my dad I didn’t want to take the whole day, and said she had things to do at home. And so then he was getting all…bitter and presumptious about the matter (“You just decide what you want to do, Talia, it doesn’t matter to me at aaaall“). And he was so cold when I called home from Jamie and Megan’s last night to ask if it was alright if I’d be just a little (“I don’t care when you’re home, as long as we leave here tomorrow morning at 7:30”). But in the end, he was completely 100% enthusiastic that we got in and out of St. Louis in such a short amount of time. Oh, parents.

And yeah, speaking of Jamie and Megan, we watched the Exorcist last night, first time seeing it and…uh. Just…it wasn’t what I expected. True, there were some rather freaky parts, but by at least the second half of the movie, it was just sort of…I don’t know. Not … that disturbing. Uuuuh, anyway, my conclusion is this: in the case that I am ever grotesquely posessed by the devil himself, make sure not to bother with any of this catholic priest stuff, just kill me. Lob off my head and be done with it. It’s totally not worth the death of like…three catholic priests and the smashing of random windows. Honestly.

listening to: shiina ringo – suberidai (live)

Okay. Alright. My word of warning: in the next week and a half, I will most definitely continue going various kinds of crazy. For my own sanity, I’m not going to shelter or hold back anything from my blog. I need to learn to be more honest with myself and my friends, and this is one way of doing it. That doesn’t mean I won’t feel bad about filling my blog with pseudo-angst, at a later point in time. Sigh. Poor blog.

I’m still caught on this going-away-to-school anxiety. And it’s getting to be a bit much. It’s mostly the “there are certain people I’m afraid I’ll never see again” thing, but it’s more than that. I honestly don’t want to try meeting new people. Maybe it’s just because I go out into public places, or even to music camps like ARIA, and I find that for whatever reason, I just don’t relate to other people. Or maybe I lack the confidence I need to survive in a new social situation. Am I not giving other people the chance they deserve? Or am I just too different? Mainly, I think the concept of leaving home is going to be a rather difficult thing for me to grasp. I know that my sister was aching to get out of here. But she hadn’t lived here her entire life, and become at least satisfied with what B-N can be. I can imagine that had I moved around the US at some given point, or even just remembered moving, this might not be so hard for me. But it is. I’m clinging to a lot of things. Perhaps this is what I really need, then. Maybe I really do need to be kicked out of my house, and forced to reorrient myself in an entirely different situation. Maybe I need to be away from B-N and all the comfort-zones that I’ve found. Because maybe I haven’t realized how easy I’ve had it in life, so far. Maybe I’m still just a selfish 12-year-old at heart, who doesn’t know how to be the “adult” I will become in just over a week.

So I’m really scared. Anybody else out there scared about this?

Wow. That was like…the same rant as before, but worded differently. But I do feel better now. Hmm. At first I thought “maybe pre-homesickness is better, because it’ll make my time there seem less painful”, but is it really worth being so unhappy right now? I’m sure it’s a trade-off. I mean, something good that I know I can do is find something I appreciate in a situation I may not be happy with. Thinking back on ARIA, I didn’t like the festival, or the people, but I really familiarized myself with the campus, and came to love that, quite a bit. I can’t imagine Iowa will be all that bad for me. I already know the campus is a nice place. The town is wonderful, too, and much more safe and interesting a place than Muncie was. I already know my teacher is wonderful, and if I know anything, I know that my cello lessons will do a lot to shape my mood. And…geeze, self, you already know at least three other people who will be there! Miriam is going to be there, too, and even if I’ve only vaguely seen her through the summer, we’re good friends! Tessa and Stephen are there, and if I can find Tessa’s contact information, I’m sure she’d be happy to hear from me! AAAAH!

Sometimes I think my brain gets completely clouded over by my anxiety and frustration. I just need to learn to like…pull myself out and see reality through a sane person’s eyes. Haha…easier said than done, sometimes.

Oh man. Done. I guess I feel better. I don’t know. I want to get this over with.

listening to: shiina ringo – love is blind (live)

Yay! I finally got ahold of this mp3! I’d been searching for it for soooo long, too! It’s almost as good as the album version, though the strings really add a nice touch, even if Ringo and the band really…uh…rock this bitch!! Hahaha! *feels witty at Ben Folds reference*

I’ve rediscovered Mah-Jong and Shanghai! I was searching through old computer games, and realized that there were things I ought to try playing again, such as: Shanghai, The Lost Mind of Dr. Brain (really good game), and Where in the World is Carmen San Diego. So that’s what I’ve been doing. That and being bitter that my cello is still in St. Louis being fixed. GRRRRRRRR.

I have nothing to blog about. Except for maybe my ANXIETY, but there was quite enough of that in the last post. I’m going to go and try to be productive, but really freak out some more! wOOt!

listening to: tori amos – samurai

Hiiiiii blog

Last weekend was aaaah…excellent! Drove up to O’Hare with my family on Saturday to wave my sister off to Deutschland. Then we went to IKEA to get all kinds of random crap, then to Mitsuwa, where I met Kira and a few of her friends. There was a festival taking place, which was a lot of fun! I wish I’d had room to bring my yukata, so then I would have felt that I fit in a little more. The only other time I’ve worn a yukata for any sort of Japanese festival was while I was in Japan, and I thought that it felt weird being the only caucasion dressed in traditional Japanese garb. This festival had a lots of caucasions dressed in yukata, though. So perhaps next year, if I manage to get myself up to Chicago (teehee).

After the festival, I found myself doing karaoke for the very first time. It was great! I did a couple Japanese songs, and then maybe two in English. I started out with “Yattsuke Shigoto” by Shiina Ringo, which was the karaoke-ized version of the live song. It was…a little confusing, but I found that I actually did know the lyrics pretty well without aid of furigana (yaay). Did a couple Utada Hikaru songs, too. There wasn’t much in the English book that I knew, just because I’m not familiar with a lot of truly popular artists. But I ended up singing “Istanbul, Not Constantinople”, even if I sucked at it.

Sunday, Kira and I “did Chicago” in a sense. We took the Metra to Union Station, and then made our way to Chinatown. After a pretty good lunch, and a few hours of wandering, we made our way back to the main downtown area, and parted ways. I had a good hour before I had to meet Renata, so I walked along Michigan Ave for a while, before meeting Renata in front of the Hilton around 4:30. The Tori-phile dinner was fun, though a little weird since we didn’t really know anybody. They all seemed like nice, healthy Tori-obsesees, though. Then we made our way to Auditorium theatre, bought T-shirts, and found our seats like two minutes before Ben started playing.

Ooooooh, Ben Folds. Just…amazing! I think I went with the misconception that Ben wouldn’t be quite as rocking as he once was with his band members behind him, but boy was I wrong! The first song he played was “One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces”, and good LORD is he rhythmic in the left hand. Everything else he played was really great, too, but I’m going to mention “Rockin’ the Suburbs” because I don’t like the studio version of it, at all, but it’s completely amazing done live. I also highly enjoyed the part where they randomly brought out and assembled a drum kit, as he was soloing on it. Who knew.

And then Tori was AMAAAAAAZING! I’d give more of a summary of it, except Renata put the whole set-list on her blog *nod* Just…aaaah! Amazing! Everything she did was great. Especially Take to the Sky, Cornflake Girl, and Precious Things. AAAAAH!

Yeah. I feel bad for not inserting a better entry, but I’m not in much of a blogging mood. I’m a little bit depressed, I think. Maybe it’s stupid of me, but I think I’m suffereing from a moderate amount of pre-seperation anxiety (from my friends, of course), seeing as school is starting for a lot of people next Monday, and then I leave next Saturday. It’s just…depressing! All these people I never had time to spend with are leaving, and I’ve somehow convinced myself that they’ll never see me again, and that I’ll never make any friends in school, and that I’ll be lonely and bitter for the remaining majority of my life. I know that’s ridiculous. I have this tendancy to think really bitter thoughts for a few minutes at a time, and then pull myself back into reality and go “this is really stupid”. And it is, but I still think about it, just because it’s true that everything will be different, and I won’t be going to school with everyone I’ve known. I’m really sad to be leaving my friends, even though I know I’ll be in contact with all of them. It’s just…arg! I was so happy last year, with everything I had! A part of me doesn’t want to meet anybody new, or start over again. That’s stupid, too, I know. Sigh. Life goes on. If only I could completely convince my brain of this, I’d be utterly happy.

I’m good, though. I’ll be better once I’ve sorted a couple more things out, too.

listening to: tori amos – purple people

I assure all readers that there will be excessive Tori-listenage for quite some time. Before the concert. After the concert, too, no doubt. Pardon me while I do a dance.

So…I love my new computer, eternally. I have never experienced such amazing emulation as with this machine. It’s so clean and fast and reactant. I haven’t really spent much time playing anything, but I haven’t exactly had the thing for very long, anyway. I can’t imagine how I’ll ever tear myself away from it at school, where I’ll have the ethernet internet connection to occupy me. And…yeah. Mac OS X is really pretty, although (and I’m probably only saying this because I’m new to it) I feel a little weird that it does practically everything for me automatically, which I would once have had to do manually. I almost miss having to work to do stuff on the computer. Haha…*sees self working with Linux system in future*

I adjusted some of the crap on my walls, this morning. Just because…urg. I seemed to have upped quite a few silverfish in cleaning my formerly-incredibly-cluttered desk, yesterday. And I know they’re hiding behind my taped up pictures, too. Like…they feed off of clean paper. They don’t touch anything that’s been printed on, but I had a couple hand-drawn things on my walls that I had to throw out, since they’d been chewed up by the things. I realized I was looking at a lot more Nagano scattered all over the place than was comfortable, so I removed a couple of the larger V6 things and put up a couple smaller posters that have been hanging around for a while. It looks a little cleaner, which was a nice thing for the new white (I almost want to say sterile-feeling, but it’s not. It’s more a warm-clean) computer. TEEHEEHEE.

Tired. Up way past 2 again. At least this time, I didn’t have to leave for St. Louis at 7am. Gah. I’m such a dumb kid, at times.

listening to: tori amos – spring haze (live)

My eMac came todaaaay (I sorta forgot to mention that my dad decided on getting me an eMac, and that it was supposed to come today)!!!! I’m so excited! I set it up in my room, and even though I don’t have any internet access, it doesn’t matter. I’m having so much fun with it. It was almost like I invaded it the second I turned it on, with my music and my desktop wallpapers and my games. Happy happy sigh. And like…my Dad never actually told me which deal he had gotten, but he got the full-out whoops-ass iMac, with a superdrive. So I can burn DVDs. I mean…crap people! So yeah. *haaappy*

And…what else happened today? I went to the Credit Union to open a checking account/credit card account. That’s kind of…weird. Just because even though I fully believe I’m going to college, I most definitely do not believe myself adult enough to need checking/credit card. Although, I’m guessing that my habit of never spending money will be handy for me, in that I hopefully won’t end up hassling myself with those things (really. At ARIA, I spent a total of $2. And they recommended about $50 per week. I’m not kidding. I almost didn’t believe it. I was thinking to myself that surely I must have bought something, and then I realized that I had bought myself and someone else a bottle of water. And…hm…since I bought a bottle of water for someone else, I guess you could say I spent $1 on myself. Amazing…).

Other than that, nothing else is new. I’m really bored. And waiting for Michelle to call me ^^ I totally *kokoro Michelle.

listening to: tori amos – samurai

Yeah. Being home is still good. I’m still revelling in my room and my crap and B-N. But…arg. I’m having a really frustrating time, too. And since I’m starting to overcome my apprehension about continuously whining on my blog, I decided I’d just map my frustration for all the world to see *is vaguely being mean to self*

Frustrating item number one: my privacy. I’m having issues with my mother. It’s funny, they’re not control issues, and my mom obviously isn’t having weird motherly issues about my leaving for college in two weeks. But she is doing quite the good job of invading my privacy. And…I don’t even mean my private life (what private life?). Just…my privacy! I knew that through the four weeks in which I was gone, she would probably go through my room, rearrange my closet, put things in random unexplainable places. I prepared myself for this well in advance, because I absolutely hate it! There’s very little in my life that I have absolute control over, so I’d hope that my room/living space would be the one thing. But…urg! When I’ve just come home from seeing a friend or something now that I’m back, and I walk into my room to find all the folded clothes that had been laying on my bed arranged perfectly in my closet, and that she’s stacked books, and that she’s left a vaccum cleaner laying DIRECTLY in front of my door, so I will literally trip on it (if I had my way, I’d trip on it and INJURE myself so she’d learn not to DO that) and pick up the hint that I need to clean crap up. First of all, I’m stupid. Stupid and difficult. I need to be told exactly what to do. If one can manage to invade my privacy with the leaving of the stuff in my room, also manage to only create more clutter in the already mess, and avoid directly requesting my doing of the cleaning, it gets me extremely frustrated! GRRRRRRR! STAY OUT OF MY ROOM, MOM!

Frustrating item number two: a very select few of my friends are being really stupid, for numerous reasons that I don’t feel like detailing. The fact that I’m mentioning it here is enough reason to know that it’s gnawing on me, and if you REALLY want to know? I’ll just say: fhqwhgads (which translates to: ask me).

Frustrating item number three: this is nobody’s fault, but I can’t find a way back from Chicago on Sunday night. Renata and I are both having erm…problems. I begged my mother to let me drive, and she was considering it, but my dad didn’t like the idea, which I understand completely. Although honestly, the way he told me I couldn’t made me feel a little bit five-years-old. I loved the way he referred this it as “whatever extravagant activities I was planning on doing”. I try to keep them well informed. Sigh. In any case, I had enough problems figuring out how to get up there, and after getting up there, what I was going to do with STAYING up there for a full 24 hours. But man, Kira to the rescue, and her very very graciously letting me stay with her (though there are still details that need to be worked out) *bows to Kira* Just…AAH! I don’t care about whose privacy I might wreck. This is like the one thing I will be doing to really, truly make myself happy. I don’t get many of those. I’ve never been to a non-classical concert. I have to go. Grar!

Wow. That felt great. I’m going to do that more often. Haha…I remember when I was 100% careful of the complaining I did in my blog, but that made my writing seem strangely hollow to me. I like whining. I’m going to do it here more often.

listening to: shiina ringo – yattsuke shigoto (looook! I’m listening to stuff!!)

GAH! I hate it when I lose entries because I’m stupid enough to accidently click the netsape icon, and then actually refuse to save work when Netscape asks me if I want to… *sob*

So…as my original entry started…….: TADA—-IMA!!!

I am v. glad to be hoooome, at last (although I don’t know how I feel about recieving the Bridget Jones virus from Renata…). I’ve just been…revelling in my room and my obsessions and the smell of my house and my friends and…it feels so good! Friday/Saturday were…um…well, interesting last days. Apparently, in southern Muncie, there was a spontaneous combustion in a tire recycling factory, and the whole thing went up in flames. Of course, when rubber burns, it lets all kinds of horrible poisonous chemicals into the air, such as Benzene, so they actually evacuated a lot of Southern Muncie. BSU is in Western Muncie, so we weren’t in that much danger, but nobody at ARIA told us what was going on, and several people were very much freaking out. Myself included. Especially when I walked out of the faculty concert with Danielle, to find myself breathing in this disgustingly thick haze of smoke, that DEFINITELY was from this fire. We ran back to the dorms, absolutely freaked out, because this wasn’t a good gas. I got some of it in my lungs, and it seriously burned, making breathing extremely difficult for a while afterward. But apparently, soon after this, the haze wore off, and nobody else even encountered this. It was not a calm situation to be running around, wondering if everybody walking through the haze was about to die, and then having people coming back at later points in time, asking us what the hell we were talking about. Aaah. Saturday was the longest day ever, with me just about losing my temper with my room-mate and some of her acquantances. And then the LONGEST student concert ever. 7:30-10:30pm. It was ridiculous. Though it ended with Dan F. playing Ysaye, which made everything better. It’s violinists like that who really make me appreciate er…violinists.

Now…okay. Final conclusion. ARIA may have been the most incredibly boring thing. The people around me were notably not my people, and I almost started gnawing away at myself (because I am a kitsune after all) from boredom, at times. But I got so much from the musical aspects, when I was actual given the opportunity to have lessons or seminars. I learned so much. I loved the teachers. They eased my insanity, made me feel that even at my far-behind normal standards of performance-playing, I actually will get somewhere, that I am needed and wanted. Plus, they opened my eyes about my playing in so many ways. That was what was important to me. Yes. And I did meet some good people. Most of all, I will miss Susan, Ann, Eliza, the other Ann, Danielle, and David (especially Susan). Those people made it at least a little bit more personal for me, than it may have been.

That doesn’t mean I’m not ungodly grateful to finally be home. I saw Jamie and Megan, today. Which was wonderous. We ate okonomiyaki and…oh, they gave me the BEST gifts from Japan! The most unimaginably weird Engrish T-shirt, and the loveliest of yukata, and a red obi. Sigh. I’m just…oh, I’m almost completely content at this moment. Thank you, SOOOOOO much ^^

After this, I came home and was re-united with my bird. It was about as happy an occasion as seeing Jamie and Megan again (which really shows that I love my bird a lot, in order to be made that much more happy). Just…really. I think I missed Pete more than I miss a lot of people. He’s such a wonderful bird. Even when he’s loud and annoying and DESTRUCTIVE (by which I mean chewing the plastic ends off of my shoe-laces. Pete, how could you?!), he’s the best pet one could ask for.

Now I need to see Renata, and Michelle, and every other person who I may possibly not mention from my laziness and wanting to go to bed. Keep in mind, this is the second time I’ve typed this…er…well, you know, typed an entry for the night.

< /contented rambling >

I’ve been just like…sitting here reading people’s blog archives for the longest time. I was in the library for a good hour-and-a-half this morning, too. Reading blogs, trying to find coherent directions for my mother so she can possibly get here on Sunday. Posting on Inspired Inklings *knows people don’t care about manga, but will forget link for boards if not for posting it somewhere* Jamie started this string about Koucha Ouji, and how it’s a great series that nobody seems to know about. My reply to this was that I actually liked the feeling of our 3-person fanbase, but that we simply never know what’s going on in the series from lack of new chapters. I commented that if I had the resources, I’d start my own damn Koucha Ouji fansite! And…AH! That actually seems like it could be a lot of fun! I would love to have Asahiya books send me every Hana Yume that comes but..aah! So much trouble! And money! Money that I have so little of. But, oh, I can’t ignore fandom’s call to me…*wishes she had a tea prince*

Er…pay me no mind.

Yeah. Been in the library quite frequently, today. For a good hour-and-a-half, this morning, as I mentioned above. Okay, there are two entrances, and they’re right across from eachother, with a good 50 foot space. But…the back entrance has been closed off for the entire time I’ve been here. Well, I came in through the regular front entrance, but when I left, I was hella confused, because now the front entrance was closed off! And like…I was completely unable to understand how I was going to get out. And like…there was this person at the desk who was staring at me as I just stood there, looking lost. And that’s when I realized they had opened the back way. I conclude that I spend way too much time in here, wishing for my own iMac…

I’m really wondering what I should do with myself for the rest of the day. I actually did practice this afternoon, which felt really good. Given, it wasn’t productive. I’m done with the productive practicing.

Last post from BSU! And looking OH-KAY (HEN HAO I mean LOOKING SO GOOD)!