Something very tricksy was up with blogger just two hours ago *frowl*

Anyhoo, I had my last lesson, today. With Fonteneau. It was an awesome lesson (although there is a small negative factor that has to do with pain. I completely destroyed my thumb. It’s very much blistered. And with that, I’m refraining from playing for the rest of the day. Heck, I could hold out for the next two days with not practicing; I have absolutely nothing to work for, at this point), like…Fonteneau went out of his way to say that I have one incredible *gape* left hand *does not believe this*, and that I incoroporated a lot of new ideas into my playing over the two weeks we worked together. I really appreciate this. I’m so glad I’ve gotten to study with him, as well as Emilio and Mihai! Er…not saying I’m not ready to get the hell out of Muncie, though. I’m sorry, Muncie. Your festival may have been er…interesting, but you, as a city, have not been. Gomen! And also n’yao!

So Kira started this…hey! Where’d Kira go?! *threatens AIM* KIRA!! Anyway…Kira started this manga discussion list thing…and she put me down as one of the moderators! Yay! I’m excited! I see Jamie and Megan get all frustrated and mad at stupid people on boards and stuff, but it’s never even crossed my mind that I ought to join one as well, and share the um…fun.

So I had to choose a “title”. And like…I don’t know. I’m always “KitsuneOnna”, at this point. But I didn’t want for my user-name to be “Taaalia”, and then use my other name (ie, Kitsune) directly under it as a title. So I went weird and decided to be “endlessly gnawing kitsune”. This goes back to the days where I actually had fun talking to people through AIM. These people mostly consisted of Justin I. But…yeah. I used to get really bored and be like suddenly type something like “*turns into fox and gnaws on random people*”, and Justin, being Justin, was always amused by this. Yeah. And then other times we’d both get really bored, and start copying and pasting something as simple as “aiyaa” (aaah, to the days of Ranma…) as quickly as humanly possible in order to screw up AIM. Wow. Is it just me or am I a lot less quirky and amusing than I used to be, and a lot more boring and whiney? Naw. I think it’s just that I’m here, amongst masses of “normal” people.


Er…haha. I think I meant that to be “sob”, not “swob”. But I’m amused by “swob”, and thus, not editing it out. Ah, you fingers, you…

La-la la-la la–AAAAH!


Hehe. I’m rather bored, so I’m reading Renata‘s archives. I found myself rather frustrated by the lack of updates, since Renata has scampered off to Mexico for the time being. So like…yeah. Archives. Seriously…they are so good (i LOOK SO GOOD). I hope Renata knows she’s the queen of blog *nod*

I sat around a lot yesterday. And played Bach between intervals of sitting around. Bach is good. Bach is occupying. It’s really fun to listen to a recording, and then go play Bach, because you get these musical ideas in your head from…well, whoever the performer is (in my case, Edgar Meyer, on bass). Interesting stuff, Bach suites for cello. It seems really weird and almost impossible that the first manuscript for the Bach suites were not discovered until 1930-something. Just…wow. Pablo Casals and his setting standards and…the stuff. Yeah. And…okay, so apparently the fifth suite was re-written for the lute, at a later point in time, and recently transcribed back to cello and…ah…if only the mandolin were the lute, and I didn’t suck at it!

*frowl* See, this is why I’ve been refraining from blogging about the actual random stuff I feel the need to talk about. Because I always end up talking about nerdly music stuff that nobody would care about save for um…me. But…I don’t know. I’m enjoying learning about Bach and his cello suites a lot more than I am much else, currently. So uh….mweh.

I’m still having like…people issues. I know this sounds misanthropic and anti-social of me but…I almost think I’d have a more pleasant, productive time if I could be by myself. And…I don’t mean that in an “I hate people” sort of way. I think I mean it in a “these people aren’t my friends, but they still insist on pulling me with them, everywhere, and I think I could get a lot more done if I were able to like…do things on my own, and just generally be by myself”. Aaaaah! Stopping whining, now.

*swob* I wish I had html-editing abilitieeeees! I want to fix some minor stupid things!

I still don’t feel like blogging.

Bored and randomly going Bjork-ish. And apparently, the Bjork store is selling T-shirts that have “Sod Off” written in large Bjork-ish font. What I wouldn’t do for one of those.

Um. Er. No. Really, I wasn’t kidding when I said I still didn’t feel like blogging. It’s not even that other than that…what on earth is there for me to blog about? I’ve ranted about all I feel I ought to, via blog. Nothing particularly inspirational or moving has happened in the past 24 hours. I’m about ready to call it quits with practicing, all-together. I was proud of myself for getting in something very near three and a half hours yesterday. And then Jessie (my room-mate) was running around at 5pm, saying under her breath “gotta get in six hours gotta get in six hours”. It feels like time is circling the drain, here.

Oh. That’s all. Except…dammit, Michelle!! Weren’t you going to call me?! *sob* I never know when you’re hooome, or else I’d call you!!

Oh well. But if you don’t, that’s okay, too =)

*mood-swings all over the place*

Don’t feel like blogging.

This whole “write the crap out of my private book” thing isn’t doing a whole lot for my blogging. I don’t think it helps that the library has much shorter hours than it did two weeks ago. Just…when it’s not their for me at my leisure, I do a rather poor job in keeping updates flowing. So anyway, I finished my private book, yesterday. 75 pages in the course of three weeks. It’s sick, really, because does anything truly interesting ever happen to me? Not really. In any case, I was completely skippy that I got to start in my new book (thank you Megaaaaaan). Horaay, stuff to keep me from pulling out my hair!

I miss uh…lots of stuff. For one thing, I really really miss Strongbad emails. I’ve like…tried not to taunt myself too terribly, and have avoided looking at HSR updates. However, today I caved. And…ah! I can’t wait until I have a computer with actual sound *hugs iMac* And…speaking of computers, my parents are being stupid about this whole thing! So…my dad was all bent on getting me a laptop after the last time I spoke with him. But when I saw him yesterday, he told me that it was back to square one, and that I would be getting our old iMac from home. But…AAAAH! Did you have to completely screw with my head and convince me that I was first going to have a new eMac, and then a new iBook?! So he did take note of my apprehension, and asked if he thought I had a better idea. And…I don’t know. I was frustrated, and didn’t really know what to say. So I was honest. I said I had sort of looked around at, and gotten a little bit of a feel for the computers, and what I would want. Also that you know, the hardware for our iMac is old, even if the OS will be new, and you never know what problems I might have, running a more powerful OS in a computer that wasn’t built to handle it. I think that proved my point, and he agreed, and said that since he never used the iMac at home for very much, anyway, he wouldn’t mind keeping that the way it was, and buying an eMac for me. YES! Thank you! That’s all I ask! I don’t need a tiny computer! Just one that works and won’t like…prevent me from doing things that any old personal-computer user should be able to do! Hmm. I really think my mother had something to do with the “let her take the POS to school” plan. Well, sorry! But she can’t do it again! MUAHA, mother!! (btw, my computer isn’t exactly a pos. It’s just…old and in need of a lot of work and effort to get it erm…”up to speed”)

Had a kind of frustrating lesson with Fonteneau. My lesson on Saturday rocked, but not so much today. Pretty much, he gave me some kind criticism for my right hand. His exact words were: “Your right hand isn’t bad, by any means! It’s just very confused!!”. Just one more lesson to go…

AH! Where is everybody?! *lonely*


Blogging seems completely and utterly pointless, becuase nothing notable has happened in the last 24 hours. Or maybe the number of hours I practice in the morning is notable? I’ve done two so far today.

Hmm. I did kind of go a little crazy this morning. I got really frustrated with my erm…”colleagues”, and put the best three-page rant into my private book, ever. I’m proud of that rant, and the fact that I still managed to be like…the nicest person possible in front of them. But..gah! I just…can’t stand the people here anymore! Did I suddenly become an adult and get sick of the company of whining teenagers (of my three “friends”, two of them are fifteen, and the other is seventeen, but I really don’t understand how)? Teenagers who talk about nothing but clothes and hair, and want to try and get me to talk about clothes and hair, too? =_= I’m going to say that it’s just becuase I’m different, in that I’d rather talk about stupid and boring things such as video-games and books and the workings of the world. Well…okay…I’ll just get this out:

Okay, between Beverly, Danielle, and Jessie, they never never talk to me when I’m with them. Like, I guess it’s just important that I’m there. But somehow, they never ask me questions, or when it comes to things that I actually do care about and have done, such as orchestras and All-state, I still don’t get much of a chance to share my opinion. Perhaps it’s because I’m a cellist, and they’re all violinists, and everything between us is completely different. So, yes. Whenever I’m in their company, there is nothing. This doesn’t make me resentful or anything, just a little annoyed. Generally, I don’t care. But I’m also at the point where I want to be by myself. I do best when I find solace through being by myself, being able to live through the days at my leisure. But NO! They always whine at me to go everywhere with them when I try to be clear that sometimes I’d rather just be alone, and seem insulted if I decide I would rather be by myself for once. And…it’s ridiculous! I’m technically almost an adult, and I’m sick and tired of having to live like I’m a good four years younger than I am. I’m getting nothing done because every time I feel at my most cello and musically productive, they interrupt me and make a point that they want me to do something with them…and then they NEVER TALK TO MEEEE! AAAAH!

Yeah. That was it. Except my book rant was a lot better, and probably seems a lot less selfish and…er…shallow than the above does. So…well…don’t hate me because I whine a lot, please. Again, I have to stress that it’s really hard not to be able to be myself, here. The only times I do get that chance are while I’m booking, or while I’m talking to my friends via telephone…or reading their postcards or letters *hugs friends* I should just be grateful that this is only another week. I’m highly considering just evading these people altogether. At first, I was merely being courtious. But why should I spend so much of my own time unhappy just to be courtious, anymore? Grrr.

And really, this isn’t like college. College isn’t going to be the same 150 snobby musicians. And it’s not going to consist of my practicing and only practicing every day. Perhaps it would be like that had I decided to go to a Music Conservatory. However, that was not my final decision, and haven’t I even made it obvious that I don’t want to perform cello for a living by now? College will include my own personal computer, which is a much greater part of my life than most people may suspect. It will include all of my worldly belongings being with me. It will include a town and campus that is far more ravishing and enjoyable than this. So please…don’t say I’ll go crazy in college if I’m going crazy, now.

I apologize. Can you tell I’ve been having the most excellent of days, so far? I don’t care. It’s my blog, dammit. Come on, readers! Eat me!!

. . . naw, I didn’t mean it.

Anyway, library closed for the weekend. So comment me away or call me if that rant really concerned you too much ^^ Or just call me for the hell of it. Monday is (insert gasp) moderately busy, so perhaps Tuesday I’ll find the computers again. Mata ne!

Sigh. I just had a weird cello lesson. Now I’m slightly disheartened. But that’s okay. It just gives me more to work on. RAR, LIFE.

Stuff has been kinda slow. I’ve been about as anti-social as normal. But…I’ve noticed something: everyone here likes to rant to me. Okay, there are pretty much three people who I could call my friends. My room-mates, Jessie (though as I’ve mentioned she has this little habit of driving me CRAZY, in ways), and then Beverly and Danielle. Well, Jessie rants to me a lot, about numerous things, even though I don’t think she associates with me as a friend so much as a room-mate, which I’m okay with. The other night, she told me that she really trusts my opinion, and that it just “feels right” to talk to me. What I find irk-some about this is that I don’t really care about what she tells me! It has absolutely nothing to do with me! I usually just smile, tell her what I think, and then shut up. Well, then last week, Beverly was feeling a little um…unhappy about certain things. So she cornered me one night while I was in my room, and had this all-out rant! I could relate a little more to this one, so my end was more sincere. But then…aah! Yesterday, Danielle approached me privately so she could rant, too! Just…why? I mean, I don’t ask for these things! It’s so weird! Apparently people just feel comfortable confiding in me! I never realized this before. It’s not really a weakness for other people…maybe it’s a strength in me? That I seem cool, collective and trustworthy? Mweh. It was interesting to think about at the time.

wOOt! Megan sent me my new, beautiful, blue book for writing. I’m v. happy, since I am most definitely going to run out of my current writing-book by the beginning of next week. But…urg! I wanted to write in it the moment I got it! It was so frustrating! I mean, I’ve been writing a crap-load for the entire time I’ve been here. But…it’s ridiculous what I write about, because of the six pages from yesterday’s entry, an entire page was on how I wanted to write in my new book. So I was just sitting…playing the mandolin yesterday. I’d come up with a new lick I was really proud of myself for. And suddenly I had this brilliant idea that I ought to write a song about my new blue book, and how I couldn’t write in it until I finish my old book! It’s really stupid, but considering my poor poetic abilities, I was extremely pleased with myself. It’s called “Blue”.

I am…not going to share the words here.

But I’m still proud of myself. Yeah, Jamie and Megan got to hear that I had written this last night on the phone, but they didn’t actually get to hear it. And so…I was thinking about our conversation a little bit more, this morning between cello practice sessions, and then I had another brilliant idea: I should write the next verse about “Blue”, Jamie and Megan’s dog. I totally laughed myself stupid at the thought, but I really want to do it!

See? I am getting things done while I’m here!!

Urrrg! The new library hours are completely screwing with my head! It used to be that the library was open from 7:30am to 11pm every day but Friday and Saturday, where it closed at 5. But now the library closes at 5 every night. Except for Saturday and Sunday where it’s not open at all. Sigh. Life is so hard. But I realized something this morning…I have less than two weeks left here! I’m over the hump! I don’t believe it’s almost been three weeks, but somehow it has! Muaaaaahahahahah *does crazy-Talia dance*

Urg. Jamie/Megan, I’m sorry I haven’t called you guys! But like…okay, I got no sleep Monday night, somehow, so I was like…just…dozing for a good portion last night, and by the time I was fully conscious, it was nearly 1am. I actually didn’t get much sleep last night, either. I kept waking up at random intervals through the night. But I will call you tonight *nod* Then…well, yeah. I can’t lie about the fact that I spent a long time talking to Michelle on Monday night. And then later Aaron. So…blarg. But, AH! Michelle! I heart you so much! And I’m glad to see my Talia-esque ways are rubbing off on you! Mufwah!

Sigh. So, BSU summer school is out, and you’d think that the campus would be a little more on the quiet side. But no, it just so happens that Sunday marked the start of a dance camp, a journalism workshop, and last but not least, a bassoon camp. My dad like…is good friends with the guy who runs the bassoon camp, and one of his students is actually here. I’m supposed to look out for her, but there are 67 some-odd bassoonists, and I have no idea what she looks like. In any case, the bassoonists all look like moderately crazy people, so it’s nice to see some variety for a change *nod* There’s one guy who looks like he’s related to David Duchovny in some manner. I think that’s why I’ve started having really strange dreams involving the X-Files again…

Practicing has been kind of slow. Yesterday was a little bit better. I said to myself “dammit, you need to practice”, and I actually learned to two new Popper etudes yesterday. Almost in their entirety. So as of this moment, I can play numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 11, 36 and 39. 39 isn’t exactly easy, but I heard Joel play it the other day and was like *gasp* “that’s awesome”! It’s one of those things that I like enough that I can propel myself through the difficult parts. I love it when that happens.

Aaaw, all my cohorts have left the library. Wait…*ponder* MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ah, god. I’m so tired.

Talia is hardly living.

I’m so tired right now. I’ve been weird and lethargic for the entire day so far. Like, I practiced for an hour-and-a-half, but I wasn’t actually getting anything done, since I was too tired to concentrate on what I was doing. I was pretty much just playing the music for the sake of playing it, and that’s what I’m trying not to do. Given, it is kind of hard when I want nothing more than to flop onto my bed and sleep for another hour or two. I think I may be getting a little bit sick…

The past few days, I didn’t really get anything done. I played the mandolin a lot, and confused a lot of passer-byers of my room, who all were apparently like “It sounds like somebody’s strumming the crap out of their violin!”. Teehee. My dad came through the area yesterday, and took me out for real food. Um…actually, I’ve been whining that I want to get off the freaking BSU campus for the past week…but I realized that the campus is a much nicer place to be than any of the surrounding areas of Muncie, after actually going out and seeing Muncie. What scares me most is that there are no large bookstores. No Borders or B&N. Just…aah!

And…grah! I guess my dad has been re-thinking our computer situation. He’s now thinking about keeping the iMac at home for his own purposes, in it’s damaged and Mac OS 9.1 state, and buy me a new eMac off of eBay. Woohoo? I’ve been doing a lot of eMac-scanning at, and this is v. v. cool. And I guess I trust my dad to do whatever in this instance. I mean, I just want an apple computer with OS X that doesn’t…suck. Though I must admit, I’m a tiny bit disappointed that I don’t get to keep the iMac, considering how much we’ve been through, together *rememberance of three major system crashes still fresh in mind* It’s sad to give it up when I have something of an sentimental attachment to it. But oh well.

I’m totally tired out. But I need to practice. I think I should definitely go back and try to get at least another hour in. I guess it’s kind of good that I have no seminars this week…sigh.

Taaalia lives!

I’m so tired. Tired but happy that the BSU library is open again. Two days without computers and I’m like…insane! It’s sad I’m this dependant.

I’ll blog a real entry later. After I go practice for a while. But for now, this is totally my “bummed in Muncie” song:

Working for vacation

Walking for meditation

Watching television for as long as I want

People got science but makes no sense,

Still can’t do anything for cutting out violence

When I think of something it goes out to space

Then it comes back in another shape

We know we’re not apes,

But we could make sweet seedless grapes

Feeling wrong ‘cuz the days are too long

Counting heartbeats 72 in a minute

Feeling wrong ‘cuz the days are too long

Counting heartbeats 72 in a minute

Oh, Cibo Matto…

*smacks forehead* I’m seriously the most blithering of idiots, sometimes.

But in other news, Jamie/Megan, I got your package!! It actually did get here yesterday, but the idiot people at the desk of Baker hall accidently wrote down YOUR name on the list of people who recieved mail. And of course, I was only looking for my name! But finally I noticed it this morning, “the hell?!”ed myself down to the front desk, and found your package waiting for me! EEHEEEEEE! So cute! I guessed it would probably involve a “kitsune” of some sort, just because I can’t think of much else more “Talia-rashii” than that. And…GEH! Koucha Ouji 20 makes me want to like…I don’t know. Run in circles and then stop and cry at random *sob*

I heart Emilio Colon! I’m no longer even slightly bothered by the fact that he was late for my lesson. He was late for our seminar, today, too! I just…really appreciate his being so laid-back. He seems like the type who hates morning because he was drinking most of the night and would prefer not to deal with the hang-over during lessons *snicket*. He actually admitted that he watched the entire DVD of the “40 Popper Studies” with bottles of Scotch all around him. I think some of the people younger than myself in the class were a little irked, but I thought it was great! I mean…there’s no way you can just…sit through all of those without a little bit of something to soften the well…yeah, the word I’m looking for is definitely “pain”.

In a much improved situation due to the addition of manga,


Do…the MANTA RAAY! . . . what I wouldn’t do for the Pixies b-side album just now.

I’m starting to really go crazy here. I’m bored out of my skull and would love anything to do in the ways of lessons or seminars, but at the same time, I want nothing more than to be left to myself to try and practice on my own, just becuase I’m scared of those lessons and seminars, too. And…I don’t know. I’m just…really moody. I think it’s making my room-mate nervous or something, because she’s trying to talk to me with only the utmost sugar-coated niceness. Unfortunately for her, she hasn’t figured out that I generally improve with the help of all this brooding. The niceness is only making me a lot more weary.

So I’ve been spending time here in the library, quite a bit. And then some wandering the campus. I haven’t been doing a lot of practicing. No more than two and a half hours yesterday. I’m so confused with myself! Why can’t I work like everybody else here? It’s so hard! I’ve been trying, a lot! And in fact, I’m getting more done in my practicing than I ever have been! I just…can’t seem to do the 4+ hours everybody else around here is so crazy to do. It’s just good that my lesson with Emilio Colon on Friday has nothing to do with specific stuff. His approach for giving the same student only two lessons is rather “come in with questions, and I’ll answer them. I won’t work you to death”. That’s kind of how Mihai was, too (though…Mihai did manage to work me to death during that one lesson…). Next week, I switch to Fonteneau, whose teaching style I have no clue of. I don’t even remember requesting him, but I must have in order to be studying with him.

Gah! My mom sent me a metronome two days ago, which I had somehow forgotten to pack with me. But yesterday, the first time I was trying to use it, I found that the LCD screen wouldn’t switch from “440 A”, despite the fact that it wasn’t even producing a tone. AAH! I had the urge to throw it on the floor and jump on it until it was in numerous and tiny pieces. I’d think it was a low battery, but for the fact that it’s on, it’s just not responding to anything I press. Maybe my mom will send me a “Dr. Beat” if I ask her enough times. I’d just kill for the option of a female Hitler’s voice telling me which beat is where (For those of you who don’t know, you can program Dr. Beat so there’s a woman’s voice saying counting beats in the measures for you, except she sounds rather militaristic. Even moreso if you make it so she’s saying “one e and a two e and a” at the fastest tempo, possible. This amused a good many of us, days before Jazz Gold started…

I have another Popper seminar. But today I don’t care. After the embarassment I suffered the other night, this is welcome. Becuase honestly, Popper is so hard, all of us are rendered to cello-cretin while playing it. I stopped feeling bad about my Popper etude suckage, perhaps the second day we had a studies class. So why am I always so filled with stupid anxiety?! AAAH!

And…wow, my left index finger hurts like a mother. I think I may have damaged a nerve. Last night, every time I touched something with the very tip, pain shot through my entire arm! See, you can’t say I’m not working myself if I’ve caused myself nerve damage in the tips of my fingers!! AAH! ( <-- self-reassurance. Simply smile and nod).

Yesterday wasn’t exactly um…good. I’ll just start off by saying that I’ve found someone I truly truly dislike here. That was the start. And then I had to play for this seminar…for Emilio Colon…and it was horrible. I’ve grown used to the prospect of having my playing criticized to the core. It doesn’t effect me emotionally anymore, in that I’ve come to understand it’s never meant personally. But I’m not used to treatment like this with fourteen other people watching, the entire time. Just…oh, why me. I felt rather miserable after the whole stupid ordeal, so I went and sat on a bench in this square a ways from the dorms, just to be alone. Just…urg! I don’t believe myself! How could I work so poorly with a teacher? But then, today I had my private lesson with Emilio Colon, and that was only one of the best lessons I’ve had with anybody. I think part of the problem was that this was supposed to be seminar on “left-hand technique”, and instead of letting the teacher formulate a lesson-plan of his own on the subject, the cello assistant chose three people to play, and let him “clinic” each one of the, when he really didn’t have anything to say in advance. So yeah. In any case, good lesson. I tried to blog about in cello submarine, but I’m pretty sure weird things were going on with blogger, at the time. Sigh.

Yeah. First thing on my agenda for when I get home is to buy freaking new pants. I’m pretty much falling out of mine, currently. And…yeah, it’s great that I’ve lost weight, or whatever else the cause might be for things not fitting, but it’s kind of annoying to have to pull them up every two steps I take, or be concerned that they’re simply going to fall off. The other morning, I managed to get out of my favorite pair of jeans without unbuttoning or unzipping them. Given, they started off being a little big for me, but this is ridiculous! Arrrg!

It’s been an extremely quiet evening so far. My room-mate, and some other people I’m not entirely fond of went to “The Village” (this campus area with shops and restaurants and stuff). Beverly, Danielle and David went off for their own night (um…interesting story). So I’ve been by myself for a while. It’s so niiiice!! Hmm. The remainder of the night will be dedicated to doing laundry, learning the remainder of the Shostokovich Sonata, and reading a lot. Probably a lot of that last one. -______- Everything here is so BORING! AH!

I’m here blogging because I was desperate. Desperate to get the heck out of my room. I’m not certain whether or not I really want to start my originally intended room-mate rant. Moments ago, I was totally ready to. But now I’m calm, thanks to Jamie and her awesome-ness. Perhaps it’ll still come, though. I’ll write about something else, first.

First of all, I really need to say, please please, try to view my blog in 600×800 if possible. Any bigger is insane, as the images don’t exactly fit the way they ought to. Like, of course they have a lot more space with the larger screen resolution, but because they don’t exactly match with the back-ground colors, it’s not the best to look at. Another thing is…well. I don’t know if it’s these computers or not, but my main blog page doesn’t seem to be loading right. Like, when I try to read my blog, it’ll load the frames, but nothing appears in the middle. And if I try again, usually it’ll load after a minute or so, but the comment links don’t apear. Does this happen for other people, too? Or just me, becuase these computers are stupid, or something. I discovered something else interesting this morning. So, I’ve been using AIM express, which already sucks unbelievably. But I didn’t realize until this morning while talking to Jamie (trying to tell her one piece of very pertinent information, in fact), that AIM express has been cutting out random messages that I write! So pretty much every time I tried to tell Jamie the main piece of information, she never recieved it and there was much confusion. So. Yeah. In case you’re talking to me through AIM and things simply aren’t making sense, that’s probably way. Gotta love computers that aren’t mine -__-

Speaking of computers that aren’t mine, the main reason I miss my computer is because I have been very much wanting to play Chrono Trigger, aaaall week! The thing I find frustrating is that, had I gotten my own lap-top, I would have been able to bring it with me, use the ethernet connection they provide in the dorms, and have internet access that way, bring my own music library, because iTunes and HD space rock, and also bring all my ROMs and emulators with me *sigh* I would totally never be bored that way. But then again, if I had my own laptop with me, I wouldn’t have so many excuses to leave my room. Urg. Which brings me back to my room-mate.

Right. It’s not like she’s a bad person, or that sloppy of a room-mate. It’s just that we’re so different from eachother, and I feel like I’m using the most extreme effort to alter my living-habits and ways of being so she won’t be uncomfortable. But where’s that leaving me? So, anyway, not being able to really be myself is taking an effort. And since I’m frustrated with this situation, it would make sense that I begin to notice all the tiny little things that make me crazy. Ugh! Why can’t I ever be lucky enough to end up with someone at least subtley similar to myself?! It’s so frustratiiiiiing. At least I still have all my most excellent friends at home to talk to, through computer and phone. That and my hoarde of books and music to calm me. I think I’ll save like…detailing what’s really eating me about this at a later point in time. Say, once this girl’s left (since she’s leaving two days before I am). So, stay tuned.


I just had the weirdest conversation with Beverly, David and Danielle. Like, I had to leave, I was so confused about what we were talking about. But, yeah. David is…quite a character. He over-worked his left hand, so he’s been like…practicing open-strings. And not whole-tones or anything. Like, he’s been playing the Mendelsohn concerto without the left hand. Just with the bow. I find that amazing.

Um…stuff and junk. THe weather here is nice and rainy again, which is kind of nice. I’m just sad that I can’t go campus-wandering tonight the way I have been since last Friday. I have a seminar from 7:30-9, and then I desperately need to do laundry. That and I feel I don’t deserve to go out and have that much pleasant time to myself when I really ought to be doing other things. But…crikey! This is just four-week camp! I should do whatever the hell I want! Ahaha…I confuse myself so easily with my inner conflicts! It must be very amusing to people who see me from the outer pov.

I’m on such a huge Tori binge. It’s insane. I mean, I do have all of my Tori CDs with me. And I haven’t really felt like listening to anything else since I’ve come here. Wait, no, I actually did listen to “Karuki Zamen” (Shiina Ringo) this morning because I was like “Heeeeey, what does this sound like after being on the biggest continuous Tori binge ever?”.

GAH! Creepy people I don’t like just entered my general vicinity of the library. I’m whooshing off to my room now!

Hmm. Today’s been…kind of good…I guess. There was another seminar on shifting. And that was pretty interesting. A lot of stuff was covered that I’ve already gone over in my lesson, and have been slaving over in my own practice time. So it was nice to know that I’d gotten work done on things other people hadn’t even been introduced to, yet. Really, I need to have more confidence in my playing. I’m a damn good musician, even if I lack a lot in cello technicality. So…yeah. Go me! *shakes confidence at people*

Finding practice space in the music building is impossible. It’s extremely annoying. And like…it’s impossible to tell which rooms are offices and which are practice-rooms. And then, I walked into one practice-room, there was a refridgerator and a lawn-chair. I mean, there was as piano, too. But…my point being that there aren’t many available practice-rooms. Blah, it doesn’t matter, I haven’t been practicing too terribly much. But I’m still getting a lot done. It’s weird.

Um…stuff and junk…and…pirates.

God, it’s early.

I’m like…putting off doing things that matter today, at the moment. THere’s a seminar later, but as long as I don’t have to play Popper etudes for it, I don’t care what they make me do. My extremely slow and painful (literally) lesson with Mihai on Saturday has made almost anything seem cheerful in comparison. Not to say I didn’t appreciate that lesson 100% (Um…okay, I’d have to take that down by two percent. Like, when anything involves pain, it’s automatically less appreciated, to me…so, 98%. Still damn good).

Yesterday wasn’t too boring. I occupied myself by reading a lot of “Ender’s Game” when I wasn’t practicing, wandering, or feeling moderately ill. And then I talked to Michelle last night, which was superb. We agreed that we’re going to be married to eachother =) Which I think is dandy. We’ll make two cute old crazy ladies together…

Eeeew, blarg!!! I didn’t realize I never like…manually went and made sure the background for my “about” and “manga” pages was BLACK! I apologize for the light gray text on white. That’s just…eew! Unfortunately there’s little I can do about it here. Nobody needs to know about me, anyway!

Gah. I’ll blog again, later. *skips off to practice*

Yawn. I guess I feel better today. Well, actually I was feeling kind of sick this morning. But now I feel better. There’s absolutely nothing to do today. I have intentions of practicing a little later, but I don’t want to kill myself after yesterday, so I’m going to take it easy. There was quite a good student concert last night. Some Prokofiev string quartet that I had never heard. It was good. And then this weird piano thing on “paganini’s variation”. That was actually quite awesome. And that’s all that happened yesterday. I have gotten some nice campus-wandering done, and after dark, at that. It’s a rather nice campus. Good amount of trees and such. And wandering by myself is much preferable to the other options I had last night, which included watching a movie with a bunch of people I don’t know, or lurking in my room for a good three hours. And, yeah, I think my room-mate is a slightly concerned with my lurking tendencies. Because generally, I don’t move unless I have to. I usually sit there and write in my book, or read. Speaking of reading, I finished “Deathstalker” yesterday. That was excellent, and though I do have “Deathstalker Rebellion” with me, I decided to start reading “Ender’s Game”, this morning, which is quite good so far. And yeah. I talked to Rob and Aaron yesterday, which was good. I highly enjoy the use of my cell-phone. Which reminds me: Renata or anyone else, Monday through Saturday, I’m usually back at my room and/or with my cell-phone on by 9:30 until close to midnight. And Sundays, I’m reachable probably from about 6 and on. So call me anytime, and if I miss you, leave a voice-mail and I’ll call you back as soon as I check my phone and…junk. Which is pretty often. PIRATES.

I had the weirdest (albiet, not lacking cool) dream two nights ago! It started out with me, just randomly driving around, and a lot more stuff I can’t remember. The main part of the dream was a U-High music concert. But it wasn’t a U-High, it was somewhere completely different. In any case, Jazz Gold was about to start playing, but our set-up was completely screwey. Like, i was in front of the band, and the drumset was waaay off to the side. So Ms. J came on stange and yelled at us a lot. And for some reason we didn’t care, but the audience was rather embarassed. So we ended up not playing. And then someone told me to stay onstage. ANd I had no idea why, but suddenly Rob came up on stage, and started reading off a piece of paper, things about me, as though I were about to recieve an award. The weird thing about this was he was using random Latin and gibberish words (something weird…I’ve heard you’re not supposed to be able to read in dreams, and yet I actually like, looked over his shoulder at the paper and the Latin/gibberish). But so, as it turned out, I was recieving the Dumbledore award (??) in music. I think Dumbledore may have been there. And yeah, sure I don’t know what the award was for exactly, but I got it, and I remember being extremely happy about it in the dream. So happy that when the concert was over, I was skipping around singing “Wednesday” (I never remember having sung in dreams, either). After that, I noticed there was this barn waaay far away from the building, and it had advertisements somewhat similar to something that would belong to…say…Medieval Times. But it wasn’t Medieval Times, it was called “The Blue Lagoon”, and it featured pirates!! A fighting pirate dinner show!! Holy crap, subconscious mind!!

Yeah, I’m rather proud of my peculiar dreams. I haven’t been able to share them with people here, generally because I think I would have this tendency to weird the people here out, greatly. Like, I’m not used to not being able to be open with like…humor and stuff, but I have to greatly sensor what I say in front of people so as not to scare them. Like, once I started being weird around Beverly and Dannielle, and they just looked at me. So I’m very nice and good and non-weird here. Sigh. It’s so boring.

I’ll totally be back later. I think it’s a little weird that the library is open from 1-10 on a Sunday. But…well…whatever. Mweeh.

I just got out of the most exhausting cello lesson. As before, Mihai asked what problem things I had going on. So I was like “uuuuuuuum, 4th movement of Shostokovich”. I’ve been playing this for a year, but I’m convinced I should never play it full tempo again. The crazy 6/8 section was very bad, and thus I was forced to really really (really) slow it down, and see that I’d never really practiced it before. I mean, really concentrated. I’d played it before. A lot. But never actually worked it. I mean, good god! This man is showing me how to practice! I’ve never known how to practice! How can I even be a musician if I don’t know how to practice? That’s why my technique sucks! That’s why he said “okay, you don’t know how to shift, so never go faster than you have to, never go on with poor intonation, and always think about what you’re doing”. The way he was tearing apart my playing was bad, and it loosely occured to me that I should have been upset about it, and I should have cried. But I wasn’t, and I didn’t, and even now, I just feel disgruntled and tired. Not emotional. It’s different, and not exactly a “nice” feeling, but I prefer being aware of the stupid stuff and do and disgruntled than in denial of the stupid stuff I do and emotional. Regardless just..AAAAAAAH!

And then after my lesson, I read quartets with Laura and Beverly. But I was hurting pretty badly from spending like…my entire lesson going back from particular two thumb-position double-stops. But still. Chamber music reminded me why I do play the cello, because I actually love playing with other people. It was nice. But…ah. Tired. And playing through quartets with two first and a second violinist made me realize how much I miss violists….*sob* I neeed a vioooolist…

Yeah. I swear, I’m going to leave here with a variety of violin concertos burnt into my brain. Like, all of my dorm neighbors are violinists, so whenever I’m in my room, I’m hearing Saint-Seans and Mendelsohn until I want to die.

And…hmm. Somehow I’ve been managing to play the mandolin a lot while I’m here, which is good. Like, I’m actually becoming sufficient with the instrument. Especially when it comes to copying things I here. Like, I now know all of “Half a World Away” by R.E.M., which is the most incredibly fun thing to sing/play…in my opinion. Yeah. I’ve kind of been writing my own stuff, but it’s been slow. But hey. Stuff and junk.

And pirates. Never forget the pirates.


Yawn. Being bored. I have nothing today but a faculty concert in the evening, so I’ve barely done anything, so far. Perhaps two hours of practice, and most of it primarily technical work. Not really anything to do with the sonatas or small works I’m doing. My lesson was a moderate eye-opener. I’ve always known I’ve done a lot of stuff wrong, technically, but I’ve never had anybody really be able to tell me exactly, how to fix it, and how to diagnose my own problems. Another realization sort of came to me, though, in that after having practiced all of the elementary stuff in order to help improve my problems, I’ve realized that it will take a very very long time to correct these things. So I have to remind myself not to be frustrated when I don’t seem to be improving in anything other than scales and open strings. Even scales are hard because I have to concentrate on what each hand is supposed to be doing. So yeah.

I don’t know, I’m having a tough time, psychologically, trying to satisfy myself with the practicing I do. As opposed to what I originally may have stated, I can’t be doing more than about three hours a day. ANd that may seem like a lot, but when you take into account how much time other people are spending, it makes me feel insignificant. I just don’t think I’m made for this sort of thing. I mean, I have to admit, I really enjoy having lessons. I learn a lot, and really give myself something to work off of. But in the end, when I’m done with the lesson and I think about it, I really don’t care. It’s meaningless, somehow. Shouldn’t I be caring? Isn’t this what I’m supposed to want to do in life? I’m starting to very highly doubt it is. Because it’s not what I think about every waking moment of my day. And being around people in which it is what they want to do, and people who do spend every waking moment of the day thinking about is a little weird to deal with.

This is a really bad time to be analyzing all of this. If I could just turn my brain off and work hard, I would. Also, I have no idea what I could possibly say to my parents about this. Living in a family in which both of my parents are musicians, and my sister is right now trying to come into the professional world of music is hard in that I feel as though I’m expected to do the same thing. I keep hearing them say that what my sister is going through now is what I’ll being going through, someday. I don’t want to do what she’s doing. It never even occured to me, until recently, that I don’t have to do it, either. I don’t know. I really enjoy playing the cello. But I don’t love it. It’s more like something that was ingrained into my being at such a young age I never really questioned it. I just practiced when they told me to, tried to make everyone happy by being involved. So is it alright for me to think about doing other things with my life? Things I’ve discovered since the cello? This is one of about a milion reaons I’m now very very glad to be going to a non-music conservatory. If I’d been making this realization after deciding to go to a music school, I would be positively insane at this moment. Hmm. I still feel that it’s wrong of me to want to do something different from the rest of my family. But…arg! Why shouldn’t I? It’s my life!


…and just a mite lonely…

The weather here can’t make up its mind as to whether it wants to rain or be nice.

More stuff’s been happening. I’m going through like…extreme periods of insanity, followed by extreme periods of happiness. I don’t understand at all. I can definitely attribute the happiness to my extremely informative lesson today, and perhaps the prospect of chamber music. I can definitely attribute the insanity to loneliness. But it’s not that bad. It’s really not. Compared to other situations and places I’ve been…not at all. I’d much rather be stuck for four weeks with the people I’ve met so far than say…oh, the CYSO.

I’ve been writing a crap-load in my private book, hence my not writing much here. But I’m usually online from 3:30-4ish. At least for this week, since I’ve gotten out of lesson stuff at 3 every day. wOOt. I’m going to make a list of things to blog about next time I come here, because that will be much easier than having the blogger window in front of me and going “uuuuh” for a full half-hour.

Jamie/Megan–thanks for calling me =D Be sure to do so again, sometime! And Renata…I’ll be sure to call you sometime, very soon.

Stuff and junk (and pirates)


Lesse…I’ve started updating cello submarine once again, now that I have particularly useful and interesting things to insert. So go there if you’re in any way interesting in hearing about the BEESTEST Bach seminar ever. In other stuff, things are going well here. I practiced this morning. Um. Hmm. What else? I have two very interesting friends here, and we’re actually thinking of composing our own pieces, or performing something with mandolin. Which excites me, deeply. Other than that, nothing too terribly exciting. I’m keeping most of my more complicated complaints/things to my book (three pages a day, man).

I’m getting all distracted, because I’m talking to Rob through AIM express (which I LOAAAATHE).

Ooh. In case any of you are feeling cool and wanting to send me something here, my general mailing address is:


Ball State University

Baker Hall

Muncie, IN 47306

Perhaps it’s not the brightest idea for me to post it on the web, but meh, I don’t care, currently. If you have complaints, that’s your problem.

I’m off to do…something. Probably read or write. Usually I practice two hours in the morning, and then another two in the late evening, so I can safely say I won’t be doing any of that for a while. Yaaaaawn, lots of books for reading…

listening to: people in the BSU library fixing a fairly unhealthy computer

Okay. Stuff and junk, people. Second Popper studies class today wasn’t so bad. He asked if I wanted to play number 18 (AAAAAAAAAH LIKE HELL), but then he asked if I’d ever played it at all, and when I said no, he let me go. He has NO idea how I appreciate that. LIke, seriously. I got very much from this class whether or not I was playing in it. So yeah.

The weather is insane. It looks like it’s really nice, and then all the sudden there are tremendously dark clouds and thunder, followed by people running for their lives. I actually kind of like the weather. If it were completely grey or completely sunny, I would be prone to complaining. That’s about all I can think of. I’ve been writing in my book like crazy. I calculated that if I write three pages a day, I’ll run out of book by the end of the four weeks. And that’s actually kind of what I”m trying for, as long as I still have the energy to write that much every day. I seriously can’t think there will be a problem. I wrote 60 pages in three weeks during Ithaca. Sigh. Ithaca.

I mean….I’m going to practice.


So, I’m here. At ARIA. And..well, I’m not miserable, yet. So perhaps there’s hope. Like, yeah. There are about 130 people in the whole festival. And most of them are violinists. I know about seven people from numerous random places, like Chicago or Peoria. I actually ended up rooming with a violinist from CYSO whom I met once before we were on opposite sides of the orchestra. Then the people next door are violinists, and some other random people I met, all violinsts. So how many cellos are there? Twelve. I am one of twelve cellos. I believe I’m one of perhaps five high-school cellists, in that group. I went through all of yesterday about to die wondering where all the cellos were, since I had only seen one before our masterclass thing. That kind of sucked, since we did the first seven Popper etudes, two of which I’ve actually played, and if nobody volunteered to play a passages of each one, the teacher called on people. And…I hate that. And I hate playing in front of other people. But it was all good in the end, and I got some good advice about one of the two etudes I’ve actually played. Blah blah blah, stuff nobody cares about.

Before I stop rambling about ARIA, I would really like to mention how ambiguous things are here. I’ve only been to music festivals for high schoolers, before. Meaning you had to go everywhere on the campus in pairs, and sign out if you did go anywhere out of the ordinary, and there were these things called room-checks. Well, okay, so the majority of people here are 18-32, supposedly, and there are just a handful of people my age or younger. Curfew for us is technically eleven, but there is nobody of authority who actually comes to check. For all I know, I’m not sure there is anybody of authority here, except for the music faculty. So there is no attendance procedure…no room-checks at night. Aside from this, I can go anywhere on the campus, anytime. Pretty much for the entire four weeks, I only have one scheduled commitment a day (a seminar, masterclass, or lesson). It’s funny, because during the third week, Sunday through Wednesday, I don’t even have a commitment of any sort. I only have to participate in concerts and masterclasses if I sign up to do so. So only random sporadic practicing when I want there to be. I mean, I hope there will be more direction once I start lessons and things. I don’t know how I feel. I’d almost like for them to have scheduled me to do more things, so I wouldn’t have the option of being bored or not getting anything done. Blarg. This post is so unfocused. I can’t remember my point.

Other than that, I actually slept well last night for the first time in what must have been weeks, despite the massive storm going on outside for something like four hours. In fact, I had a rather strange dream. I actually wrote a whole page about it in my book, which I’ll have to share later, because it was super amusing. I’ve also written a new lick on the mandolin. Honestly, it’s the truth that no matter how poorly I feel about the festival itself, or the way I’m handling things, socially, I still have my mandolin. I don’t know whether I should be embarrassed that I’m taking comfort in that, or really proud of myself and content. I’ll ponder on this while I go back to my room to practice (we can practice in our dorm-rooms! The hell…! Though scheduling times out with my room-mate is a little hard…).

listening to: tori – after all

Well, I leave in about an hour, and though I’m nowhere near ready to go, I thought I’d take a few minutes to update one last time from my luverly iMac while it’s still using OS 9.1. Yup yup yup. When I get home, this computer will be much improved with system X. Sigh.

Wow. Four years ago today, I left for Japan for the very first time. Funny how it’s four years later and I’m leaving for someplace else, for almost the same amount of time I was gone before. But…ah. I’d rather go back to Japan, no matter what. I hope I don’t manage to thoroughly depress myself this way, because it would be unfortunate for the start of a music festival. In any case, I’ve been thinking about Asahikawa a lot again, lately, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Mmm, Japan.

Well, my cellphone is fully functional, at this point. I’m not putting the number here, but there are a number of you (people from around the central illinois area) who I plan to callĀ  ^^ wOOt

Farewell, Mac OS 9!!