listening to: sigur ros – the nothing song

I had the strangest dream about CYSO last night. We’d just finished a run-out concert of some sort, but it was more like a U-High full music dept concert, even though nobody from U-High was there, only CYSO members. The building may even have been a subconscious play off of U-High, but much much bigger, and somewhere in the Chicago suburbs. Anyway, I somehow managed to befriend this little Asian boy who was searching for his grandparents in the building, since he had to return a blanket to them which had “Iowa” embroidered on it in huge letters. Anyway, there were numerous old people through the building, and he wasn’t sure what his grandparents looked like, so we ran around for a while trying to find them and failing. And then somehow we lost the blanket. And we stopped looking. And then his older sister came around, and she turned out to be the Japanese girl I talked to maybe twice this year, whose name is Ayane. Well, in the dream, as it turned out, she was half Japanese, quarter Vietnamese, and a quarter German. Which is very interesting, thank you, brain. So we left the school, and met up with their parents, who left Ayane and I to wander around by ourselves through whatever weird part of Chicago we were in (honestly it seemed more like Chinatown in NYC by this point). We found some restaurant, and she made me eat a supposely “traditional Japanese dish” that does not exist outside of my mind. But I remember not being hungry, and feeling very guilty about not wanting to eat whatever it is she was offering me. When there was a sudden comotion and she was distracted, I ran away.

Okay, now, I could point out numerous parts of this dream that make it perfectly clear as to why I had it. But I won’t, because it will probably be much more amusing for other people to do it on their own. I just want to point out how my subconscious mind likes to taunt me, in that Ayane is someone I talked to once during the whole year, and never really befriended, and in this dream, it was like we were good acquantances. Well, until I ran away from her, anyway. Sigh.

Hmm. So this morning, I was sitting at the computer, and my mom starts laughing and calls me in to her room. She was holding the Chicago Tribue Magazine, which occasionally features people modeling outfits that somebody in the magazine has put together. And who else would be in it, but the freaking principal cello of the Chicago Youth Symphony Orchestra himself, Abe. I just about died. I mean, Abe is like, the most fabulous cellist my age that I’ve encountered, and I won’t let the fact that he talked to me about once during the year detract from my general opinion of him as a cellist and probably good person (like I’d know), but modeling? Ahahahahaha….

Numerous things I need to do before I leave a week from today, some of them really starting to scare me. ANXIETY!!!

listening to: voltaire – anastasia

I did something with Megan D and Michelle for the first time in our four years of knowing eachother today! It was intended to be an Ann of Green Gables party-type thing, but I ended up forcing an episode of mst3k onto them. It was excellent, even if we were all sort of tired and spacey. In any case, I’m sad I had never done stuff with Megan/Michelle outside of school before. But…I guess we’ll have a couple weeks in August and…stuff. And even if that fails, we’re planning on going to see the madrigal dinners together. Heehee, I’ve decided I absolutely must see them, no matter how different it will be from previous. I think perhaps a total of five or so people from last year are still in mads next year, seeing as the group was made up from mostly seniors last year. Sigh, mads… It was nice just to be able to talk about stuff, too. Megan made me feel a lot better about some very stupid stuff tha’s been bothering me. Thank you, Megan! We’ll be in touch while we’re both out of state!!!

The new layout is a go. I started scanning stuff last night. I hope to have it up and finished by the time I leave for Aria. If not, geh!

Okay…blogger for Netscape is completely different from blogger for IE. I mean, not that everything is just a little warped, the design is almost completely different. I find this a little disconcerting. Aaanyway…

listening to: stuart davis – dive

Using Netscape for the first time in perhaps ever. It’s exciting. I downloaded version 7 because I realized we’d had Netscape 4.7 sitting on the desktop for something like years without any updating. Which is disgusting. I think I actually like it…

Heehee. I went bike-riding with Rob and Bobby for a while today. It was fun, though I usually start having weird flashbacks from Chiddix when I’m with them. Anyway, we were really bored. So we ended up sitting around at Fairview Park, trying to think of a name for ourselves if we were a bike-gang. After this, we sort of wandered around the trail for a bit, and then I ended up playing “Red Alert” with Rob. It was really frustrating at first, because first and foremost, I’m not used to war games. Second of all, I was completely new to like…just the general way of handling the system and…well…I don’t know. In any case, by about my third try, I was kind of getting the hang of things. Or at least what building priorities were for the bass. I wasn’t so good at invading, or finding tech plants, which is probably why I lost the way I did. There was just too damn much going on, and it’s kind of hard to concentrate on finding tech plants when my base is being heavily assaulted by these awful things called “Tanya”s. Even if I did suck, it was really fun watching my base being attacked. Heehee, video games.

Horaay, Renata has a new layout. Admittedly, I’ll miss the mst3k one, but what the heck. But…ah! It only reminds me of how badly I need a new layout! As much as I love looking at Sano every time I look at my blog, I think I’ve had the same layout for nearly a year, and it’s starting to bother me somewhat. I know I was thinking of doing Koucha Ouji for a next layout, but I rethought, and am tempted to go with something non-shoujo-manga. So I’m thinking along the lines of Shiina Ringo, or perhaps Inuyasha. I’m leaning toward Shiina Ringo, since I actually thought of something I could do with scanning some parts the booklet of her newer album. Hmm…think of the possibilities *taps fingers together*

listening to: rem – wolves, lower

Heehee, I’ve taken to playing Chrono Trigger, again. For some reason, the save files to aaall my ROMs were deleted a while back, as I may have mentioned, so that means starting over from pretty much level 1. The cool thing about Chrono Trigger is that once you beat the game the first time, you can go back and start again, retaining whatever level you finished with, and I think the ultimate weapons from before. And it’s not completely random, either, since there are 14+ possible endings for the game, depending on when in the game you try to beat Lavos. I’ve only gotten the one ending, just because Lavos is a bitch, and my ultimate goal was to level up enough that it would make him at least…slightly less…impossible. Aaanyway, at first the idea of starting all over seemed really frustrating, but considering how much I love the game, and how bored I am, it’s really not so much of a big deal anymore. Still *sigh* can’t help missing my save files, sometimes…

Went to see the Maxwell production of “Footloose” last night with Josh, as well as Megan, Martin and Elizabeth. It was…well, it wasn’t bad. I actually thought it was pretty good. My opinion of it compared to U-High’s production probably isn’t valid, though, considering I actually saw less than half of the whole thing, being situated at a weird angle and playing the bass and whatnot. I do, though, strongly believe U-High’s was better. That’s not to say there weren’t some great things going on in this production, though. I must say, though, two keyboards in place of bass/guitar doesn’t do justice for the music. True, I could have done something to help this, but my final point is that Josh and I are awesome! End of story!! *snerk*

I talked to my room-mate through AIM last night, and she seems very cool! This makes me very very happy, and relieves a little of my anxiety, simply because it does help to at least know a little something about the person you’re going to be living with all year! In any case, I’m very excited about…well, everything! Yeehaw–the end.

listening to: the pixies – motorway to roswell

Hmm. This new blogger…editing window seems so bare. It could use some color. Or bright things to make me want to blog. Actually, that’s not true. For some reason, this set-up does make me want to blog more. It seems to work a little better in the Mac IE 5 window than it has in the past. And I’m now confident that having set the text to “unicode”, I can input whatever damn characters I want and not have to delete my entries! MUAH!

Hmm. I don’t know if I feel like putting this where people can read it. But I guess I will. I started composing something of a song, with my mandolin. And…ah. Okay, well, I found chords that I liked, and just made something out of them. That was the easy part. Then I started thinking about lyrics, but realized it was really hard to think about that sort of thing when I couldn’t figure out what a vocal melody would be over the chords. So I went to my cello (…), and just started playing something that I thought would sound cool. How weird is that. I can’t do it with my voice, but I can do it with my cello? Whatever. Anyway, after that, lyrics weren’t much of a problem. I find that I can entertain myself highly by taking the chords, and the melody, and making up words about the chords and melody and how boring they are, or how I don’t know how to compose worth crap. It’s nothing brilliant, but sometimes I’m amazed at myself for doing what I do, by which I mean spending hours in rehearsals and practicing things that people have already written, things that other people also spend hours rehearsing. It’s only recently that I’ve started thinking about composing my own music, or being in on a creative…thing. That’s why playing with SIT is so much fun for me. That’s why sitting in my room and making up silly tunes on my mandolin is engaging. Why should I continue replicating the same pieces that everyone else is playing, over and over again, when I could be part of something new and different?

In any case, I’m embarassed I felt the need to share all of that, but then, what the heck. I’m ignorant of anybody who reads my blog besides my friends, and what’s the big deal about letting them know more about me?

I think I’m going to see “Footloose” tonight, which is…well…something. I know I turned down playing in it but what’s wrong with seeing it? I’m highly curious about what they did about finding musicians to cover the bass/guitar parts. I’m going with Josh and probably Jesse. So…stuff and junk!

Whoa…I didn’t realize I could change encoding! Or that I could change the date/heading crap so it’s in Japanese! I’m not saying this is permanent, but I’m just highly curious as to how it will turn out so…

*click*

listening to: voltaire – almost human

Oh my stupid god!! My blogger account must now be under the new format because…it’s…weird. I mean, I guess it’s an improvement. I was just too busy being shocked by the change itself to think it so amazingly good. Everything seems to much more…clean and friendly than it did before, I suppose. And you have more setting options (like, um, apparently I can set things so that every time I publish, blogger automatically sends my post to designated people through emails. You can also choose like ten or something different options for how the archive links look. I’m still using this stupid code I found on a random web-page to change that *looks frustrated*). I just wonder, is this happening very slowly throughout the blogging community, or did everybody else whose a non-paying user just experience this change overnight, like I did? Hmm! I wonder how this looks with Netscape…!

Let’s see…I could once again go off into the continuing story of “parents suck”, or I could actually put in a good entry for a change. Yesterday was Renata’s b-day party, which was excellent! Yay, Simpsons and dark clouds of Doom that force Steve and I to have a simultanious coniptions! Then I came home and practiced Popper “High School of Cello Playing”, which is what I’m supposed to work on at Aria. But, I swear, of the 40 or so excersises, I can play maybe maybe seven of them when I’m very very careful, and a whole three of them without stopping. I guess I’m getting excited about Aria. As I mentioned before, I don’t feel like leaving town for four weeks. But if it means getting away from my mother, getting to meet some new musician-people (I just have to keep telling myself that there are interesting musicians out there, don’t think about CYSO! Don’t think about CYSO, self!), and working with good faculty, it’s something I should look forward to more than dread. I just find it depressing that by the time I’m back, there will barely be any time before everybody starts school (I could start about my anxieties of college, but I don’t feel like complaining about crap more than I have been, recently. Grr, self).

Aaaaah, Jamie and Megan have left for Japan! Horaaay (and AAAh because I’m jealous)! And…I know you guys probably won’t read my blog until you get back on the 7th, but HAVE FUN! And eat lots of food for me! And revel in V6 every chance you get!

listening to: ben folds – tiny dancer (or…wait, tony danza?)

My mother is driving me CRAAAZY! I need to just take my stupid math placement test for Iowa so she can’t accuse me of wasting “study time” all day. Honestly, in case she hadn’t noticed, it’s the middle of summer. And speaking of things and summer, though I realize Aria is going to be fun in one way or another, and productive for me as a musician, I really don’t want to go. I mean, I generally never want to go to music festivals, or be away from home for prolonged periods of time during the summer unless it’s something very very exciting me to (such as traveling abroad). But the fact that I’ll be getting back from Aria only to leave for college within three weeks is kind of disconcerting to me. I worked very hard this year, what with two Youth Symphonies rather far apart, and auditions all over the freaking country, and just general music activities and woes. I felt like this could be my well-deserved break from it all. So considering the fact that I’m going to a festival for a month, have had something akin of a part-time job for two weeks, and even prepared myself for a recital without my private teacher to help me, I was hoping this might be my chance to do just that, take it easy. My mother thinks much differently. It’s true I have a guilt complex already, which makes my asking for permission to do things occasionally nerve-wracking, but the only time I’ve felt my mom has encouraged me to enjoy myself was the night of my recital. I’m freaking seventeen, if you hadn’t noticed! And I’m a damn good kid! When my sister was seventeen, she was engaging in activities that probably weren’t exactly as harmless or legal as sitting around with friends watching a movie, or spending time with people who I won’t see for quite some time. Maybe this is just a psychological thing I have. Maybe my mother really is trying to make me feel bad about doing things outside of home. You know, camp seems less of a pain-in-the-ass considering I won’t have to deal with my mom. I never stop saying this but…life is so hard.

Ugh. That was my parental unit rant, and did it ever feel good. Wow. I remember talking to Emily about how crazy her mother was driving her, last year. I’m sure it’s just as much my being antsy about stuff as my mother trying to turn me into her slave. Yes…a slave that’s simply supposed to read her stupid mind all the time. AAAH! I mean, you know what I mean. Haha. I’ve noticed that generally, when I talk to Rob online, our conversations start the same way.

Me: How goes it?

Rob: I’m hiding from my mother

Me: That makes two of us.

AAAAAAAH! PARENTS!

Siblings aren’t so great, either.

I swear, I’m done, now. Oh, it’s getting late. I have a kind of…um…interesting story about a stalker that I’ll save for tomorrow. What a weird five or so days this has been…of course, when you’re almost 100% absorbed in a book, things probably have a tendancy to be a little weird.

*sigh* I wrote a really long entry. Which ate itself when I clicked “post & publish”. Life is so hard sometimes.

Anyway, stuff and junk, I finished OOP this morning and AAAAAH! I’m pretty sure most people who read this blog have already read it for themselves, but I won’t leave any major spoilers, in any case, in the first place. This is a quick entry, so I will comment on the two things most noticeable. First, angst. So much angst. I mean, it’s certainly more interesting that way. Considering we’ve never really gotten to the bottom of how Harry feels, and now we’re getting a good taste of his unhappiness. Second of all, I simply hate hate HATED Umbridge. I know you’re supposed to hate her, but just in case JK Rowling is wondering if she’s not hateable enough or anything, AAAH! In any case, I loved reading this one, very much. Better than I liked the Goblet of Fire, in fact. Now I’ll just have to not think about HP until the 6th one comes out *prepares self for three-year or more wait*

Um…man. I don’t remember what I had intended to blog about originally…so…I’ll report back at a later time…

listening to: shiina ringo – yattsuke shigoto

And she said unto blogger “let there be publishing”, and there was publishing, and it was done well. Um, yeah. Just for the record, I don’t think blogger is fully agreeable with certain characters going into it’s system. What happened was I had typed this entry in which I was listening to “Sigur Ros” and made mention of “Bela Fleck”, and me being the cool person I am always tries to put any of the necessary weird marks over any letters requiring it. So I did this, and was stuck with a “java error 104” every time I tried to publish. But I deleted the entry, and now things are happening again. Which is…good.

Um, stuff happened yesterday, but I’ve forgotten about pretty much anything that doesn’t have to do with HP and the Order of the Phoenix. I waited at B&N for something like an hour last night, and got home at something like 1am, but that didn’t stop me from promptly running up to my room, throwing everything off of my bed (a lot of junk managed to collect itself through the day) and reading for as long as I possibly could before falling asleep. Just….AAAAAH! I want to talk about it, but I really can’t! I’m going to wait! Wait until I’m done, and until other people who I know read this blog are done. Just…aaah! Why aren’t I up reading it right now?!

AAAAAAH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RENAAATAAA!!!!!!

listening to: ben folds five – battle of who could care less

Ahaha. Yesterday was good. I cleaned out our garage in the morning, which, y’know, actually relieved a lot of stress and anxiety. There’s nothing like throwing things out in the fresh air to improve one’s mood. Then I practiced with SIT, since I’m playing with them for their show on Saturday. It’s true, I still can’t hear myself on Secret, and I’ve almost given up on playing an interesting solo of any sort, but I’ve come to realize people don’t really care about that in the first place. And then I’m playing this really cool song in which Aaron plays acoustic and Rob sings. I tell you, I’m not listening to the words or anything, but the chords are the exact kind that will occasionally make me go shivery. And not to brag, but I really think my cello adds to it. wOOt!!

Josh picked me up before “Big” at around 6:30, and we went for ice-cream and listenened to Ben Folds Five. He had just bought their B-Sides album, which we neither of us were well acquanted with. I must say, I love Ben Folds Five, but I only have their 2nd album and have been too lazy to collect further. But it’s cool, because Josh has only just started liking them, so we’re kind of discovering their music together, and this CD is incredibly cool, with just, random weird tracks that were somehow recorded from live shows or even soundchecks. Anyway, after ice-cream, we got ready for the show and stuff. Now, it’s hard for me to stress how little we have to do for usually a good hour and a half before the show, so you can imagine that we end up screwing around quite a bit on our instruments. Well, somehow, a good twenty or so minutes before the show, we ended up switching instruments. I have very limited skill with the guitar, but when Josh started playing “The Joker” by Steve Miller Band, it wasn’t any problem to mirror. This within itself was amusing enough, but then Josh switched his guitar to distortion, and started singing, at which point I very nearly lost it from laughing too hard. It was great!

Last night was incredibly cold, which isn’t a very favorable thing for instrumentalists. There are quite a few more ballady, quarter-note type numbers in which I don’t do anything, but then there are something like two very fast and rhythmic things which I usually have problems playing. It goes without saying that the cold didn’t improve my situation. So, being freezing during intermission, we ran to Josh’s car and at there listening to what may be the most brilliant thing I’ve heard yet coming from BFF, “For Those Of Ya’ll That Wear Fanny Packs”. It’s like, a psuedo piano-inclusive rap that was done at a soundcheck, in which the sound people left entirely, but forgot to turn off the recording equipment. Ahahaha. Then after the show, we took a longer way home and listened to more BFF.

And if I thought nothing could have made my evening more enjoyable, I was wrong. I came home to my sister making me watching “Spinal Tap”, which I enjoyed immensely! “It goes to eleven!”

Hmm. I recieved a copy of “The Daily Iowan” in the mail, today…

listening to: tori amos – amber waves

Last night was good. Renata came over and I made her watch “the Nightmare Before Christmas”. And then she made we me watch an excellent (and also terrible) MST3k, “Final Sacrifice”, a Canadian film that I can’t comprehend somebody actually making in the first place. I was thinking about this, do the people who are involved with these films watch the film being MSTed, and what do they think about that? I mean, certainly if they saw the final cut of the film, they must have figured they had it coming. And, I’m not talking about the really old poorly done ones, I’m talking about the moderately old ones in which all the actors/director people are still alive, and hopefully not making films, such as this one and, “Time Chasers”, and “A Touch of Satin” (which are now some of my favorites).

And, we also watched the video/DVD interview stuff for “A Sorta Fairytale”. Now, I must say, I’ve never been caught so much between “weird” and “amazing” before. It’s very weird, but once you watch the whole thing, and think about it, it’s incredible, and really really a nice video to add to the Tori collection of videos. And it has the guy from “The Pianist”, which made me pretty happy. And then, Renata did a good job summarizing our wondered-aloud questions about the foot in her blog. So I won’t do any recapping of that. Hmm. I actually feel like going and watching more videos.

Sigh. This has just reminded me of how deeply I love Tori. Really, just sitting down and listening to her music relieves at least some of my random anxiety (it’s still there, though admittedly it’s not so bad without the small dose of depression in there). I mean, both on a musical and poetic level, there’s something there to really make you think. Eeehehehe, and to think I’ll be seeing her live in August *does dance*

Ranting about parents with Renata also helped to relieve some of my anxiety (Thanks Renata. Nobody should have to listen to me whine, so I appreciate it!)! wOOt.

Going to bed now!

listening to: stuart davis – human girl

I really like this song *hearts stuart* I actually redid a good portion of my soundtrack! I decided there was too much with lyrics only half-way there (such as the stuff by Bjork), and too little that I had chosen simply for musical quality. So I added an instrumental track by Joshua Bell/Edgar Meyer, and then one in “Hopelandic” by Sigur Ros. “Hopelandic” isn’t really a language, but more the way of singing that Jonnsi does, which is vaguely Icelandic, and just mouthing syllables. Sure, the words mean nothing, but that’s where the music comes. *sigh* Icelandic music is so cool.

I went on a sort of random REM binge after the other night of playing “Losing My Religion”, and trying to remember the chords to “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth”. So I’ve just been scouring the net for random cool stuff. I did find a site with sheet music downloads to all of the piano-inclusive songs. It’s just sort of sad I don’t care for many of those songs. I know “Nightswimming” is something a lot of people rave about but…I just…don’t care for it. In any case, if I ever randomly decide I need to go all out, I can spend my time learning to play those. Then I checked their official page, and saw that apparently their old drummer (and official 4th member before leaving the band in ’97) visited them, and is apparently now becoming something of a famous sushi chef! Just…whoa! That pleases me greatly. I really loved Bill Berry. In my opinion, everything sort of went “splat” in regards to general music quality after he left. Sigh.

Yawn. I really hope this publishes. It’s been like three days, blogger…*looks threatening*

listening to: jill sobule – rock me to sleep

Yesterday was…er…eventful. Everything was enjoyable and pleasant until the musical part of things. I was pretty happy it was our last show of the week, despite the fact that every ounce of my being wanted to be somewhere else. Josh picked me up, and we got their incredibly early as usual. Mr. Dawson was new to doing sound, so he had us set up almost immediately so he could make sure we all sort of knew how things ought to go. So we just ended up sitting there and playing random stuff for almost an hour. Well, in that hour, the wind began to pick up, and some rather ominous clouds appeared to be approaching. Well, we wanted the rain, simply so we could get out early, so we regarded these clouds with a certain hopefullness. Josh started playing ominous chords to encourage the ominous clouds to let loose, so to speak. It looked convincingly as though it may actually have rained, we even recieved instructions for what we should do were it actually to start raining. But finally the show started and everything was…well…okay, maybe not so great. Our drummer was a good half-hour late for some reason, and then Alex managed to break his already-broken trumpet much more I thought could be possible in ten minutes time. But…musical things were, I suppose, happening. Anyway, suddenly, we hear numerous sirens sounding from all around, and at least three police cars stop in Miller Park, a good football field length from the outdoor theatre. We’re all kind of like “what the hell?”, but can’t do anything to find out. More police arrive. Finally with two ambulances and a fire-truck. Again, we kept on playing. Finally, I figured something really must have been wrong when they turned the park lights around the theatre on. Five minutes following, somebody came up and told us to stop, during the middle of a song. A police-man made an announcement that there had been a gang-related shooting on the outskirts of the park, asking us to leave. Just…wow. When I was really young, I always felt that Miller Park was a cool place, probably because of it’s size. And honestly, it’s been years since I’ve been there, so it was really kind of scary to see how unaware of some of the actual conditions, as a child. Sigh.

So, I’m not saying I’m glad someone was shot, but I was terribly glad that I could be out of there just after 9:30. I came home, and then proceeded, with my mandolin, to Katie’s house. For the first time, I noodled around with Aaron for about an hour, and GAH! It was so much fun! I mean, I’m not great, really. But the fact that I can hear chords, and generally find them on the mandolin easily makes it easier. Hmm. The crappy thing is about depending so much on my ear is that half the time I’m not sure what chord I’m actually playing, just that I heard certain notes, found them on my instrument, and starting playing those chords. But…just…ah! So much fun ;_; I hope to do that again sometime soon…

listening to: shiina ringo – morphine (live)

I have a hypothesis about my state of being. Okay. Well, I’ve been having mood swings and just generally feeling like crap lately, if for some reason the below entries haven’t clued you in on this. Well, only yesterday did it occur to me that this is the first week in which I haven’t been running around crazily with something important to accomplish. And I think having nothing to do but sit around at home all day has really made me rather depressed (and I mean depressed in the sense of physiologically as well as psychologically. I generally haven’t had any bouts of “life isn’t worth living” to my recollection. I mean, usually when stupid stuff happens at school or home, I’m thoroughly irritated, but not so much hopelessly down). I think because this year especially, I’ve been running around so much from place to place, I’m feeling the effects of it right now. Even last week, I was moving about with rehearsals and friends and such, so I was rather content. I mean, directly following my recital, I was absolutely euphorically happy and content. But to find everything so dead in the next few days was too much. So without something to occupy me, I haven’t known what to do with myself. It generally consisted sitting around and being bitter that I couldn’t be doing active things outside of the home. Every day this week. It was awful. Finally, yesterday, I figured out what may have been going on. I said to myself “hey, what the hell? you don’t act like this for five days in a row and not get a clue that there’s something more than a little frustration going on”. So I took the advice I once gave a friend who really needed some comfort. I got out of my home setting so I could enjoy natural settings around (I personally don’t mind Illinois being so flat, myself). I went out and took a very long, tiring, and exhilarating bike-ride for the first time since probably sometime last fall (extra-curricular crap rocks!). It felt wonderful to be so exhausted from that kind of hard work. From then on, I had a not so bad show (really, if it weren’t for Michelle, Megan, and Josh, it wouldn’t have attained anywhere near that status), followed by an excellent night with Jamie and Megan. I came home this morning to take a cold shower, and now I feel pretty much rejuvinated from how I’d been.

I’m really glad I took sociology/psychology. I’ve really learned to analyze myself from an outer view-point, and that has made it a lot easier to figure out what my generally confusing behaviour and reactions to people and situations can mean. I just miss having someone to talk to about this kind of thing nearly every day *misses 10-oclock PE*

In other news, I think I may be gaining something of a back-bone as a person. I got a second call about playing bass for Footloose. Me being the push-over I am didn’t exactly say yes, but couldn’t say no, either. Well, around the middle of “Big” last night, I decided I didn’t have to take it! It’s my summer vacation, and if I want to have free time in the evenings, then dammit, I will! So I had just come back from shopping with my mom, when I noticed this guy’s car sitting on the street next to our house. He was talking to our neighbors, friends of his, but had left the music with my dad. Well, I told him that my schedule might actually be a problem (I liiiiiied), apologized several times, and gave him the name of someone who I think may be able to play. I felt bad about it, but then I also felt really good about it. Watch out. Soon I’ll be making reckless decisions for myself all over the place, and there won’t be a thing anybody can do to stop it!

What kind of world is this? It’s kind of crap!

listening to: shiina ringo – stem

This is Talia on an anxiety and self-doubt filled, randomly insane day: AAAAAH I HATE EVERYTHING AND IT’S MOTHEEEEEEER!

This is Talia normally (ie, now): I’d really like a five-string bass.

I don’t know. I think not getting more than three hours of sleep has mellowed me out somewhat. I feel a lot less psychotic than I did yesterday. It was really weird. Because I was filled with random anxiety when I got home last night, and was still quite filled with anxiety when I woke up at 5 this morning for no apparent reason. But I don’t know, after a good hour of sitting and listening to random Japanese stuff, and watching the thunderstorm from my window, I felt just fine. Everything and anything that had been previously bothering me seemed so…small and minute and of little consequence. So what the hell’s my problem?!

Yeah, Japanification helps in making me feel better. Actually, on the subject of Japan, last night was a little weird. I changed the sheets on my bed yesterday. And…when I went to Japan, I had this really excellent smelling “Green Tea” soap in my suitcase, which I had at first intended giving to my host-family as a gift. Well, in the end, I figured that with the zillion or so gifts I had given them, I’d keep the soap. It had been with me for my entire experience of gallavanting around Hokkaido, anyway. My mom came across the soap, and put it into our linen-closet. I’ve tried digging around in the sheets for it, but haven’t found it yet. So anyway, my pillow-case was smelling of Green Tea soap, and all I could think about for the longest time before I fell asleep was Japan. It wasn’t that it was horrible for this to happen. It was actually kind of nice. I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in the things going on around me that I forget why I love Japan so much.

My sister is home from North Carolina. Which is…something. I don’t know. Sometimes I look forward to her being home. In this case, I’m happy because she’ll hopefully distract my mother from me a tad. On the other hand, I like it when it’s quiet in my house and generally speaking when she’s home it’s…not. I whine so much. Somebody tell me to shut up.

Insert amusing sentance here.

listening to: tokio – green

AAAAAAAAAAH! I’m going insane in here. The only time I can even seem to escape my house for the slightest amount of time is for this stupid musical. I wouldn’t mind being at home if it weren’t for my mother watching every move I make. I can’t even spend a half-hour alone in my room during the day without her knocking on my door to remind me of every bit of house-work to be done or a favor I owe her for something. And she just keeps thinking of more crap to add to my list of stuff to do. I just…ugh. I can’t stand this. I need to get out of here on my own time or continue to feel like I’m wasting away. And…you’d think that since I’m actually trying to make her happy during the day, she’d let me spend time with friends after a show, correct? Wrong! It’s always “too late”. I don’t understand this. When my sister was my age, she did whatever the hell she wanted. I know she did things my parents wouldn’t be proud of. She actually informed me of this. So why is it that the worst thing I do when I’m not accomplishing productive things is play video-games or read books in my room, and I have trouble getting out of my house to play Monopoly with my friends on a Friday night (both times I asked I was almost kept home)?! GAH! Is this all just my own psychological idiocy?! Because I’ve just graduated and I feel like I should have more freedom or something?! Or is my mom really that bad? My guess is that it’s a little bit of both. But nonetheless, I’m going insane. Somebody pleeeeeease save me!

I’m sorry about that, but I feel multitudes better than I did before I took the moment to freak out. This is the result when kept in close quarters with only my mother. Sometimes I think if my dad or sister isn’t around to distract her, she’s very conscious of what I’m doing, which is why suddenly I’m being asked to do all kinds of things I normally wouldn’t have to. Aaaah…dare ka…dare ka, tasukete kure!!

listening to: phish – bouncing around the room

Um. I’m going…crazy? *waves hands* I don’t know but that I feel confined to my house during the day. And then I haven’t been sleeping too well, either. Like this morning, I woke up at something around 4, and just sort of lay there staring for a while. And then I asked myself what the hell I was doing and started listening to Vaughan Williams, watching the crazy weather. Hmmm. I don’t know so much about significant thoughts at that time of morning, but I do think about whatever I’m listening. And…yeah. Charterhouse Suite, I love SOOO much. I don’t think I’m quite grateful enough that I actually got to play the Charterhouse Suite in orchestra, either. I remember yelling at the first violins so much for being too loud during the fifth movement while I was the designated listener. And now I just want to smack myself for being such a jerk, haha. Oh, how random I am.

My mom laid some guilt on me today while I was driving her to the autobody shop (yay for new bumpers). Saint-Seans cello concerto, performed by Yo Yo Ma happened to be playing in the car, and I remarked, rather wistfully but in no way seriously, how I would like a new cello. My mom kind of laughed and said “it’s too bad you’re not going to U of Illinois, because it would be so inexpensive we’d be able to get you a new cello”. And maybe it’s just because I was in a bad mood, but that made me kind of mad. For one thing, I’m not a fan of speculation. What’s done is done, so why bother. For another thing, I like the choice I made. I wish my mom would at least keep to herself her opinions of the low amount of money I’m reciving for scholarship, or the higher out-of-state tuition at the U of Iowa. And at least I decided not to wait and see about Oberlin, where we would have paid almost twice as much as the Iowa tuition. Heh. It might also help if we weren’t still fully supporting my sister. I’m sorry constantly whining about this but I don’t want to end up that way. Which is kind of why I’d like to go for a job of some sort, even part time. I feel so lazy and unproductive, minus the cello. But somehow, I think my outlook in life has less to do practicing the cello and more to do with succeeding in society. Ugh. My stupid brain.

Hmmmmm…I was reading through archives. And…well, some of them don’t seem to appear. Such as April to the current month. So I’m going to try and fix this, lalala *sings*

listening to: something from amelie – comptine dun autre ete

Oh, screw it. I won’t even make this a Kingdom Hearts spoiler-edit. I’ll just leave a general warning that this is pretty much a rant about the ending of the game. If you don’t want it to be spoilt for you, then don’t read it. So. My opinion of the end is not so great. Very little is resolved. Apparently the door to the darkness had a door to the light inside it, and once the door to the dark was sealed, King Mickey and (supposedly) Riku went through that door to the light. That was that. Sora and Kairi saw eachother, and Sora promised he’d see her again. But there was no happy reunion. Maybe the promise that there would be a happy reunion in the future. But it sure as hell wasn’t enough to satisfy me. I really like closure. Well, that and being a shoujo manga fangirl has, I suppose, upped my standards for endings in the way of characters of the story either A) ending up together in the appropriate pairs or b) reunite with whatever characters have been absent/trapped/whatever. We can assume that A has pretty much been decided with Sora and Kairi, yes. But B? Well, that fails in two ways. First, Sora is in a completely different world than Kairi, and we don’t know if it’s even possible for him to find her again. Second, we don’t exactly know where Riku is, or if he’s going to be with King Mickey if they find King Mickey at all. Hmm. I really like Riku, when it comes down to it. Sure, he was a complete ass to Sora, but, hey, that’s what happens when you’re posessed by a dark agent of sorts, plus maybe the factor of having been competative about absolutely everything in the first place. In any case, I’m currently pretty frustrated over this. Somehow it reminds me a tad of the ending of Escaflowne. Hmmm. Y’know, that would be a really interesting thing to tackle as a fanfic writer, a proper end to Kingdom Hearts. Erm, not saying I’m going to try or anything…

Bored. Well, I was pretty bored. Somehow when I’m really restlessly bored, I forget how to occupy myself, and tend to spend a great deal of time brooding about how restlessly bored I am. In this case, I managed to think logically for enough time to remind myself of how many freaking books want reading at the moment.

I don’t know why, exactly, but I’ve been feeling extremely restless in the last couple days. I guess I could attribute this to the lack of cello concentration that’s required now that my recital’s passed. Or the fact that I’ve been seeing a lot of friends on a pretty regular basis for the past week and a half. But that usually wouldn’t bother me too terribly much. Considering I just haven’t felt like practicing, and I’ve still been seeing my friends pretty regularly. Just when you think you know yourself well enough…really, though. I’ve spent a good year and a half just getting to know myself, if that makes sense. Trying to be a lot more honest with myself and other people, and be able to predict and handle my own reactions to the all the crap that goes on around me. But there’s something rather weird and almost…I don’t know, evasive about this. Like I’m avoiding something that I can’t even place. It’s weird, and I’m having trouble describing it. So at present I’ll stop trying, I guess.

It’s oh so quiet. It’s oh so still…

listening to: rem – world leader pretend (unplugged)

Um…a big “hi” goes out there to any choir teachers that have found my blog. And…stuff. GAH! I need to STOP THAT!

Okay. I beat Kingdom Hearts tonight. I won’t say anything other than the end was big LETDOWN. I’m going to write a sort of…spoiler-safe entry on it tomorrow when I have the mentality to do so. In any case, I’m playing it again, but this time I’m doing everything there is to do and so I can get whatever “hidden ending” you’re supposed to be able to get.

Today was fun. Well, boring at first, but fun later. I played a good hour of Go with Rob. And then got a taste of the fifth and latest instalment of “Breath of Fire”. Glah. Love video games. Video games are like…a really good alternative to drugs and alcohol *nod*

Then I went to “Big” rehearsal, which wasn’t great, but could have been a lot worse. I don’t know what I’d do without Josh sitting next to me, just because it’s entertaining.

Can you tell I’m tired? Incomplete sentances. Not well thought out. You know…stuff…

listening to: the beatles – and i love her

Take that, lowsy iTunes library! I love this song so dearly. Part of that is probably because Paul sings it. I love during the movie A Hard Day’s Night, when we get to watch them do the recording session of this song. It makes me want to go watch that movie this very moment. “I now declare this bridge….open”. Ahaha!

Um…whoa. I had a bunch more to blog about but…nope. I can’t even remember what it should have been. I think I’m gonna go watch more Gakkou e Ikou. Nothing puts me in a better mood than Gakkou e Ikou. Except perhaps frolicking with friends.

Possums…

listening to: shiina ringo – suberidai (live)

I love this song, but it never stops!! So that does it. I’m going to make a point of bringing CDs to listen to while I blog, because nothing ever chaaangeeeees on iTunes anymore! Dag yo.

A big thank you goes to every individual who came to my recital. It’s really great having so many excellent friends who are willing to sit through a half-hour or more of questionable European music. It was good practice playing for an audience (and generally fun, too), seeing as that’s a big psychological hurdle to overcome as a performer. Yeah. I was listening to the recording my dad made, and I feel amazed and frankly stupid at some of the tempos I chose. I need to learn how to still be moderately cool-headed when it comes to starting pieces, so I won’t end up dying or losing an arm in the end. In cases when I don’t, that’s why I like accompanists like the one I had, to help hold back tempos that may not be um…possible in the end.

Ho hum. So after the recital, I sat around for a while, and then randomly went to Katie’s for an hour, which was muchly fun (although there are people in the world who deserve to be smacked on occasion, really… *frustrated*) Then I went to see the an 11:30 showing of Finding Nemo with Jamie, Megan and Jason, which was even better the second time. Somehow, I barely managed three hours of sleep. But my overall good mood kind of made up for the lack of sleep, if that makes any sense whasoever…

Hmm. I’m kind of frustrated. Josh and I were under the impression there was a rehearsal for the stupid summer music we’re playing in. But alas, through some very poor communication (that’s all this musical is so far. One rather large, poor commication), we ended up being the only ones at the stupid Lincoln Leisure center. Frowl. But um, yeah. We did sit around and talk for a good while, which I always enjoy. But..hmm. I’d had this plan of going straight form rehearsal to a farewell party for Ms. J in downtown Bloomington. But…I’m so lazy. Now that I’m home, I don’t think I’m going to go. I feel halfway bad, but…ugh. Laziness.

Yeah. This has been a good week. And yesterday made it seem really complete. I feel so content and generally happy (though by no means less crazy). As though nothing is wrong with the world. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good, so I’m going to try and indulge it as much as possible.

Hmm. I’ve noticed a lot recently that when I speak, I’m easily distracted, and don’t always finish sentances.I start out really excited about something, and then all of the sudden I completely lose sight of what I wanted to say. For example: “Wow, hey, isn’t the weather just so…um…stuff…”. It makes some people laugh, but it must confuse the hell out of others. So I should really make an effort to think about what I say before I say it *nod* and not try and come up with little bits of wit in the middle of a sentance, lest it ends with “stuff” and no point whatsoever.

listening to: rem – crazy

Um…stuff. And junk. I’m bad because I haven’t updated. But I just haven’t felt in as much of a blogging mood as I usually do. Sigh.

Ooh, the most exciting bit of news I can think of putting here is the fact that Renata and I are going to see, not only Tori Amos, but Ben Folds together, in August. I’m sooooo excited. I don’t think I can wait two months! AAH! I’ve never been to a rock-ish type concert before, either.

Um. That’s about it, really.

listening to: shiina ringo – yattsuke shigoto

So yeah, I cleared about 300 of my mp3s off of the computer a while back (and burnt them onto a CD, obviously…), and thus, iTunes holds pretty much nothing but Shiina Ringo, R.E.M., Hooverphonic and Bjork. Plus a few other random artists. So things are pretty boring, momentarily. I’m sure I’ll be a file-sharing machine again, as soon as I have this computer to myself. By the time my dad gets home on Friday, I need to have everything that I feel should be saved off of this so he can take it in! YAAAY!! ( <--one excited girl ) Had a rather fun afternoon. London people are back again (yaaay), so Rob and I played Super Smash Bros. for a while. I lost every time, but I’m inexperienced, plus thoroughly miffed at GameCube controllers. But, yeah. Of the two times I’ve ever played the game, I’ve chosen Jigglypuff, just because I really like it when he gets whacked out of the area yelling “JIGGLYPU-U-U-F-f….”. But as it turns out, Jigglypuff can deal a pretty fair lot of damage, too. The only thing that sucks is that he always falls asleep for no apparent reason.

I had to babysit AGAIN this morning. I wish somebody could tell me why I don’t enjoy watching these kids. I usually at least appreciate little kids for one reason or another. Maybe it was the running around screaming and then getting hurt part. But hey, live and learn, I suppose. I’m a rather unsympathetic babysitter. I think it’s because when I was younger, my parents really let me to myself and didn’t interfere in my play and stuff. And maybe I’m more self-sufficient for it now? I don’t really know, but I feel like the only way you can really learn about the world is to experience it for yourself, right? I’m not saying that I hand them sharp objects and say “have at it”. Just that I don’t get involved in their play like I feel I ought to sometimes as the babysitter? Well, that and I never really had babysitters when I was younger. Hey, older sisters are useful for something, I suppose.

I called Rachel the other night. Which was good, since we haven’t really talked in person since Encore last year, and I very strongly believe that my AIM communication skills are weak. I’m sad we won’t see eachother this summer. But it’s weird to think that she’s going to Encore, and so is Phil. In fact, according to Phil, he and Rachel have a quassi connection of some sort. Apparently he’s friends some guy in her string quartet? I don’t know the details entirely, but I’m interested to know. But yeah. I need to call Rachel more often. Ho hum. We talked about telemarketers and how we hate them. Well, not just telemarketers, the local people who call with survey’s, too. Bah. There was one time where I was the only one home, the phone rang, and it was a male voice asking if he could “please speak with the Republican of the house”. I went “um uh there is no…uh”, and he said he’d call back later (which really saved me since I would have stammered for another minute before figuring out exactly what to say). Hmm. I really like the method of saying “yes, let me go get them”, walking away, and just not coming back to the phone. Story ends now.

Who do you think you are?

listening to: shiina ringo – tsuki ni make inu (live)

I completely forgot to mention that there was quite the rockin’ Monopoly party on Sunday night. I may have won (I left before I could find out, actually). Even though, for some reason, I felt really bad about the fact that I was winning. I don’t know what it is. I’m just used to not winning (any of the people who played fuedalism at the 12 free hour can verify this). Admittedly, though, my doing well was worth it just to see Nathaniel act really weird for a straight half-hour or so. He actually sucked up to me by praising the Jewish culture when he found out my dad was Jewish. It was vastly amusing.

Last night, I went with Jamie, Megan and Masanari to see “Finding Nemo”. And I can’t recall a movie I’ve enjoyed more! It was so good. I mean, first there are the stunning visuals which propel the entire movie, but the actual story itself was just … AAAH! … so cute!! Everyone should go see while it’s still in the theatre, just to have the full screen experience!

I had the craziest dream that I could play the mandolin, last night. Apparently it was somebody’s graduation party. And they had a random amplifier sitting in their garage. And I had a mandolin and a cord in my hand. So I plugged the thing in and started playing these licks from “Short Trip Home” (also with Edgar Meyer, Joshua Bell, and Mike Marhsall). Like…this one track called “If I Knew”, which doesn’t sound too bad just listening, but when you actually think about playing it, or attempt, it’s not easy. It’s just…ugh. So taunting to be able to play well in my dreams when I can barely finger notes in real life. Actually, though, I think I’ve had a clue to finger-picking. I asked Josh at our rehearsal the other day, who told me that he didn’t know how to explain it, maybe that I should try moving my wrist less. And then I realized, hey. I’m not really using my wrist at all when I play. So I went to my mandolin and was like “hey, let’s try some wrist motion here”, and BAM! Metronomic notes. Well, not all of them. But maybe five in a row, which is pretty good for me. And we’re talking eighth-notes, here. Which is a start. So, yeah.

I just want to keep learning new instruments. I’m not kidding when I say that next I want to learn to play the accordion. My mother’s played a little bit since she was young, and has an accordion at her home in Upstate New York. So we know what I’ll be doing next summer (while taking summer school courses, of course), buahahah!