listening to: joshua kobak – drought (live)
A had a rather disheartening day. Abe called my house (!!) the other day while I was at a CIYS rehearsal, and left a message with my dad that there was going to be a cello sectional at 1 on Sunday (-_-;;). I wasn’t at rehearsal last week, but I know from the last time we all played the Strauss together that it wasn’t so hot. The first four players were great. The rest of us weren’t even wrong together. I never called Abe back, because I’m just like that and hate talking to people I don’t know on the telephone, but I’m definitely going tomorrow. So I’ve been trying to work my ass off on that piece for most of the day, generally failing. I’m actually nervous about this sectional. For all I know, it could be just me that shows up. So my goal is to at least have fingerings, and be able to play through passages well enough.
And…the reason I’ve been having all these dreams about my cello teacher stalking me and trying to hurt me…it’s probably a warning that having a lesson will result in something bad. And so this was true, I guess. Greg called this morning, and asked if I’d like to have a lesson later. I was eager, thinking something along the lines of “yay! Strauss help!”. But…oh, it was awful. I’ve had bad lessons before, and this will be one of the bad lessons I remember. I don’t know, I just wanted some fingering help, really, but it turned into this thing about my bow being wrong, and my not reading well, and not feeling the music rythmically, and blah blah blah. These weren’t even like, general concepts that came up. I just had them snapped out at me randomly, and not really remarked upon. It made me feel like such a bad musician. I went straight from that to playing Mozart with my Dad’s student. That lifted my spirits considerably, but through it all I really just wanted to go home and cry for a while. And then my dad’s like “let’s go out for dinner!” to which I was like “um…home, oh but food”. I felt terrible all through dinner. Like I’d just…I don’t know, failed some really important test of some sort.
Lessons like these make me wonder why I do it. I spend all my time involved in music trying to make people happy. Lots of people. Like my music-crazed friends, Mrs. Corpus, Ms. Johnson, Ms. Ehrlich, my parents. That’s a lot of work, in more ways than just playing the cello. I feel like I should stop putting so much effort into all of this, and just concentrate on the cello and making my teacher happy. But then, I love doing all the random crap put together more than I love playing the cello for my teacher, though I do feel bad about saying this. Sometimes I’m bitter about the fact that I’m not the best. I’d like to be up there, accepted to my conservatories and able to make it professionally in life. And then I start to wonder, if I’d just have practiced this much harder through the years, or if I’d just concentrated on one particular aspect of my playing, how much better would I be now, when it really counts? But…I don’t know, I get more satisfaction out of making my friends and teachers happy through being musically involved in all aspects, than I would being I top, I think. So it’s just…hard to come back to the cello and realize the truths about my playing, even if they’re brought out be my teacher being in a bad mood. When it comes down to it, I just want to have fun playing and making music. I don’t want to beat myself over it. Why is that so hard to for this to be so?
In other whining, I’m having control issues with my mother. This is only natural for a close-to-graduating 17 year old, I think. But…ooh, it’s so hard sometimes. It feels as though my mother accepts me well when I’m at home, with intentions of doing homework or practicing or making use of myself. But when I want to leave the house, perhaps see a face from school outside of school, or even just do something for myself, everything is suddenly forbidden. But, the thing that bothers me is that she doesn’t even tell me “yes” or “no”. When I was asking if I could go play monopoly last night, my mother completely changed the topic without even pointing me in the direction of an answer. CHRIST SAKES, MONOPOLY! I mean, I could totally be sneaking into Frat parties, or shopping my money away, or buying drugs or something, and I ask to go and play monopoly on a Friday night. Well, as it turned out, she wanted me to vaccuum the upstairs hallway and finish cleaning my closet first. I understood this, as I had postponed doing it, but it took me a good three or four minutes to actually get this message translated to “When you’ve done this work, you may go”. I suppose I just should have felt lucky that I got to see Spirited Away, yesterday, though she really didn’t have much choice, seeing as I went directly after school. But yeah, Frida showing at the Normal Theatre. I wanted to go. Here’s the conversation that took place over this request:
Me: Would it be alright if I went to see Frida at 9:30? I was going to practice right now (it was like, 8:30 then), so I’d get another hour or so in today. Is it all right if I go?
Mom: Didn’t you want to practice a lot today?
Me: Well, I did this morning, and then I had a lesson…so
Me: It’s not a good idea then?
Me: Well, if you don’t want me to go, you can just say so!
Mom: It’s getting late, Talia
Me: *impatient* So then I can’t go?
Mom: Well, you’ll have problems getting up tomorrow.
Me: *yelling* Then you can just give me a simple “no”, right?! Geeze!!
I know this may sound fairly bitchy, but is there a problem with wanting a direct answer to a not-so-very eloquently put question? It’s all I’ve ever wanted, really, and I don’t feel like I ask for very much. I wouldn’t get so mad over not getting to do stuff I’d like if I get just hear a “no”! It’s not like thing are even being doctored up in the nice way, either. The answer is avoided even moreso when my mother is pissed off. I feel…i don’t know. Stuck. Or something. I guess the two things that will make me happy right now are my yellow glasses, and Phish *slinks off to five minutes of quiet before Strauss*