Last night when I was teaching in Tarrytown, I dropped my bow of almost-twenty-years in some kind of freak accident manner, and its tip hit the base of a metal stand, causing said tip to break in two. That’s when I started to have a weird, foreboding feeling that had nothing to do with my bow, which isn’t of super huge value and can hopefully (maybe?) be repaired.
Twenty minutes after I got home, the New York Times stated that the likelihood of a Trump presidency was 80%. I was in disbelief for a full minute. Then I began to bawl.
I tried so hard to sleep. I slept for maybe twenty minutes at a time between 2:30 and 5am, night-sweats the entire time and dreaming of someone trying to have sex with me in a crowded high-rise elevator.
I am in despair for my family, my country (or maybe of my now-past notion of my country?), the world, and the only comfort is that I’m not alone. Spoiler alert: it’s not that comforting.
In past instances of despair, it has been a specific cause that affects mostly only me, or a small few other people. A thing that is difficult to get past but can be done one step at a time. Just keep going and things will naturally improve.
This doesn’t feel like that. This feels like the end of the world, and for all we know it could be the beginning of the end. This feels like what happens prior to the start of one of the many dystopian science-fiction novels I’ve read.
I’m so upset. Ashamed. I feel betrayed as a woman. I feel like I’ve been fooling myself in thinking that, yes, there are some bigots and racists and homophobes and xenophobes out there but it can’t be enough to elect a fascist. I can’t believe how much faith I had in the people in my country. I can’t believe how much faith I had in the system. I’m so sad and alarmed and ashamed.
I’ve never been certain about having kids. It’s always been one of those things that I’ve felt I’d be better equipped to decide after establishing an income and something more like a real career, not to mention having the right partner for that. Last night I decided quite officially that I will not be bringing children into the world. I can’t even imagine how young parents or expecting parents must be feeling about all of this right now.
As it is, I’m worried about my parents. I’m worried about all my people. Maybe it’s time to stop and appreciate my relationships with people before some shit starts hitting some fans.
How do we go forward? What can we do? How can I live through this whole damn day or any day after it without feeling like so shocked and helpless and hopeless?